Recently I’ve been getting a wealth of questions on the Facebook Page from all walks of the kinky path and lifestyle. I’ve asked a few friends to help me admin the page and put a lot of the questions to the community in the hopes that everyone can help give their opinions and help each other learn. Every now and then though, I come across a question that I hear so often, I feel the need to blog it. This happened quite a few times over the weekend, and I wanted to blog these questions (and my answers to them) before I get too far behind to be able to blog them all in one post. If you have what you think is a better answer, or a different answer, than the one I give, please feel free to give your answer in the comments below.
1. I have played around a little with women and have come to the conclusion that I want the control….but my inexperience limits my confidence….how do I find someone willing to be a sub but willing to teach me as well?
Your best bet is to teach yourself as much as possible first. Get to know your area kink clubs (check fetlife or meetup.com for places close to you that offer that). Learn as much as you possibly can about being Dominant as well as being submissive (you can’t be a very good Dom if you have no idea what it means to be a sub).
Look at the Reading Resources and Online Resources tabs on this blog. The Online resources has forms that you fill out before a scene, sample contracts and a few other blog listings, many that are written by Dominants. The Reading resources has a great list of books that you can pick up (though you obviously won’t need all of them) to help you learn about the BDSM world a bit more before diving into it. There’s also a great book called “The New Topping Book” that you might enjoy. Also, check out the fetish list on Fetlife (the FULL list) and go through and tick off the things you’d be willing to do and unwilling to do. There’s a ton of stuff on there that I personally didn’t want to know existed, but to each their own.
Once you think you’ve got most of it down, keep in mind that you’ve only scratched the surface. During the entire research phase, keep your eyes open for submissive traits and dominant traits. Everyone has them, some are more obvious than others. Don’t jump the first time you see a sexy woman with a few sub traits though, just observe it. When you’re more comfortable in your own skin as a Dom, then you can talk to some more advanced submissives about training sessions, or another Dom who is more advanced about getting advice.
Don’t rush this. Your role of Dom puts you in charge of other people’s safety, other people’s lives and their mental heath. You do not want to rush that! BDSM is all about the slow build, the anticipation, the communication, the tenderness mingled with passion and roughness. It is important to remember that in a world of instant gratification, not everything that is instant is gratifying.
2. Can you explain the terms “sub-space”, “sub-drop” and “top-drop” to me a bit?
Sure. I’ll start with Subspace and go from there :)
To quote Wikipedia: “Subspace (also sub space, head-space, flying, or floating), in the context of a BDSM scene, is the psychological state of the bottom. The term is unrelated to the mathematical term subspace.”
I put this question to my Facebook fans because it’s hard to describe the amazing feelings I have when I enter subspace. In fact, the other day I felt myself floating to that mental place while Master was spanking me, and I tried to grab hold of words in my head that I could use to answer this question, but all I managed to do was prolong the amount of time it took for me to reach subspace. Lol.
Think of subspace as an upper, a high, emotional bliss, if you will.
One of my fans put it pretty well by saying that subspace is equivalent to the feelings you get when you are given a deep tissue massage. The feeling of total relaxation, pure joy, warmth and pleasure that mingle together while you just lay there and get pampered is a great way to describe subspace. The difference is physical. We obviously aren’t getting deep tissue massages, but we are most definitely reaping similar emotional benefits.
Sub-drop is the feelings you get as you come out of subspace. It’s the downer effect. This is what happens when your session is over and you start floating back to earth after subspace. The emotional high that is felt with subspace is not something that lasts forever. Eventually, usually as the session is ending, the submissive is brought back to reality. She goes from being the center of attention for the dominant, and only focusing on her feelings, to having to focus on reality again. This emotional switch is not an easy one to make. Some submissives find they just want to cry out the emotions flooding their senses, others want to be held and can’t explain the sadness they feel.
It really is quite the emotional drop. During this time, the dominant needs to stick around and figure out how his submissive needs to be handled. A common theme I see in some of the BDSM clubs and books I’ve been to and read is holding. Usually the submissive will have a fluffy blanket and she is wrapped in it and just held. Sometimes chocolate is used to help kick up her endorphins. There’s close to 300 different things in chocolate (all chocolate apparently) that can affect the brain and the nervous system. For me, just a few pieces will help me calm down, breathe deeper and sail through sub-drop, but that really depends on how hard and how fast I am dropping too.
Different people will require different things and different scenes can produce different levels of sub-drop. This is yet another reason that communication before and after a scene is VITAL.
Let me start by saying that I am not a Top/Dom/Master, I am a bottom/submissive/slave. Therefore, I’ve not experienced this so I am basing my answer strictly on research I’ve done and fans responses to this question.
Top-drop is the emotional drop a dominant experiences after a scene. It is very similar to sub-drop but can be harder to detect due to most Tops that believe they can’t or worse, shouldn’t show this kind of emotion. This is part of the reason I suggest holding the submissive after a scene: the top needs to be held too, and this allows him to hold the submissive and be held at the same time. That tenderness that is felt between both partners after a scene is part of what makes BDSM so special to me, personally. I know that Master needs me to hold him and I need to be held. I know that we have just spent a certain amount of time focused on nothing but each other and that we are re-entering “normal” together.
Occasionally, depending on who I am speaking to, I will compare the feelings of Top-drop or Sub-drop to different things. My current favorite explanation is vacation. Be it camping, or a luxury cruise, or even just a week at the beach. Those relaxing moments spent together focusing on nothing but what you each want to do is part of what makes a vacation. Coming home from the trip, you are bound to feel a little sad that you have to get back to reality, back to work, back to the daily grind.
For some, Top-drop and sub-drop can last days, you walk around the house feeling like you’re sad or missing something, but not able to pin exactly what that something is. If you find that this is the case, spend some extra time pampering yourself. Take a hot bath, treat yourself to lunch, call a good friend that always lifts your spirits, and spend time allowing yourself to both feel sad and doing things that will help you no longer feel so down. If the drop is not handled properly it can cause major depression. Make sure that you have a good support system in place (friends who are also kinky, an online forum you can turn to for help and advice, your significant other or play partner, etc) so that if you find yourself taking longer than expected to come out of sub-drop or top-drop you have people you can talk to about it.
3. What is the point of a safeword? Why do some couples have them and others refuse to have them? Sorry if its a stupid question, I’m just very new to this and trying to understand. I don’t live the BDSM life nor have I ever experimented with it. But I find it intriguing. What I’m wondering is, what exactly is the “safe word” used for? Is it so they don’t kill each other during sex? I’ve heard the term before but have never really known what it truly meant. From what I’ve read, isn’t it the Dom’s job to “protect” the sub? I mean I understand that sex can get quite rough, but it really gets so rough that they could seriously injure each other?! For a Dom, who is supposed to be a protector of the Sub… Why would they want to engage in an act that could potentially really injure them or even kill them? Like I said, I’m very new to this. I find it confusing, but just can’t stop learning about it!
Some couples don’t use safewords, they depend on the levels of communication between them and the knowledge they have of each other instead. While that may work for some, it’s not recommended for everyone. Safewords, for me, is like wearing my seat belt when I get in the car. I don’t expect to get into a car wreck every time I drive the car, but I put the seat belt on every time anyway. It’s a safety precaution. There are so many things that can go wrong in a scene that it is best to have all your bases as covered as they can be.
These are just a few of the reasons that I feel the need to have a safeword with Master, even though we’ve been doing “the BDSM thing” for a few years now:
What if the air is cold? What if I suddenly flash back to something unpleasant from my childhood, and need to end the scene? What if the fish I ate for lunch is coming back to haunt me? Or if I need to pee REALLY BAD? What if it’s just not clicking for me today because I’m mentally focused on something else?What if I thought everything was going to go splendidly but something just isn’t clicking?
These are good reasons to communicate fully before a scene as well. To bring the analogy full circle: If I don’t know where I am going, I will let my GPS guide me or print off directions, or call and get the directions needed. (Communication), but even after I’ve got the idea down of where I am going, and even if I know how I’ll get there, I still put on my seat belt (have a safeword).
The safe word is there because life can be unpredictable, not because Dominants go until they’re told to stop. 99% of the time Master can read me and read my reactions well enough to know when enough is enough for me, to know when I have gotten the most out of the session and then he stops the scene and begins after-care.
But that 1%, that’s why we have the safe word. It’s not because he’s just randomly hitting me until I use it, in fact the goal of the BDSM relationship is to know your partner so well that you no longer _need_ to use it (but even then, some people have one just in case). The goal is to get to know the other person on such deep levels that you can instinctively read their every body move. You know that when his lip twitches just like that it means he’s irritated, but it’s so small that no one else probably even noticed, but you did. To know that when she trembles like that, it’s not because she’s cold, but because she just had a dirty thought and it turned her on.
I have seen too many people are jumping into the BDSM part of a relationship without trying to build up the rest of the relationship. And some people only practice in the bedroom randomly. It’s for these reasons that we have the safe word. If you don’t know your partner that well, or they’re a new partner, you need at LEAST one safe word just in case.
The most common safewords that I have found are Green, Yellow and Red.
Red – Full stop, everything stops, the scene ends, the sub is released from whatever bonds hold her and then the Dom is to make sure she’s okay and start taking her down from sub-drop (I’ll get to that in a moment)
Yellow – which means either “That feels good, but switch areas, that area is getting sore” or “Everything is awesome except that last move you just did”
and Green – which means “all good, keep going.”
I encourage people new to each other and new to BDSM to check in with their partner during the scene. “What color are you at?” is a good way for the Dom to get to know the sub and the sub to feel safe in the arms of the Dom.”
4. I am really into the idea of BDSM. I have tried to get my Significant Other involved, but he just doesn’t seem that interested. He even says things like “That’s not what real love is, that sounds like abuse.” and “This stuff sounds sick. I’m not interested in anything to do with it.” I can get him to tie me up and blindfold me now and then, but I can’t get him to spank me harder, or pull my hair. I want to get him more interested in BDSM but I have no idea how to get him to look this stuff up and research it to see how amazing it can be. Help!
For starters, if he isn’t really interested in the topic yet, he’s not going to devote time to researching it. I tried that with Master way back when we FIRST started down this path. I learned that he wasn’t going to do any looking up of anything because it had not piqued his interest yet.
I needed a hook, a way to get him to both be interested and to be so interested that he desired to do his OWN research. So I started sending him photos of sexy women in bondage, short kinky videos, and writing out and then emailing him my deepest fantasies (in full kinky detail). Because I knew that those things would grab his attention and make him blush and make him want more all in one go.
In the meantime, I did the research I wanted him to do. I looked up what made a good Dominant and what made a bad one. I looked up how to properly care for your submissive, what after care was, what it means to do a scene, where the local clubs and lunch meetups were, etc.
I did the legwork and then I would tell him about it (instead of having him read the same article, I’d summarize it for him.)
He became interested because he realized how interested I was and how I was willing to do the work to get what I wanted.
And now, there are times where he will say “I read an article about BDSM….” and I am shocked and happy and can’t wait to hear more about it. Now, we have full conversations about BDSM, blogging, this page, people on the page, etc. And I know he’s not only interested, he’s willing to invest lots of time on the topic.
Take baby steps, understand that he has to get over the shock factor just like you did when you first heard about it. Be willing to do the work for him, and understand that you will have to teach him what being a Good Dom means to you.
6. What if he never wants to do this? What if he decides that this is just not for him and that he doesn’t want to be involved with any of it? What do I do then? Should I look outside the marriage for what I need?
I don’t condone cheating, ever. If your husband decides this is not something he’s into you have three options:
a) Talk about opening up the relationship. Explain to him that this is something you need/want so desperately that you’re willing to look outside the marriage to get it but that you don’t want to damage the marriage by doing that behind his back. Pick up a few books on Open Marriage and start by reading those before you bring him into your thought process on this.
b) Get a divorce. You need to figure out if you’re willing to live without BDSM or without him if he is NEVER going to budge here.
c) Cheat. Which I’ve already stated I don’t condone. Cheating is far more damaging to everyone involved and even those you didn’t think would be involved than the other two options. It is not something you should even consider, no matter how desperate you feel you are for BDSM. Most of the Dominants I know and associate with won’t take on a lying submissive, even if she’s not lying to them directly. They need to know they can trust you. They can’t do that if they know you’re lying to the person you sleep with the most. Cheating is a sure fire way to lose more than just your husband. When a divorce happens, you don’t just split the stuff in a home, you split the friendships too. People desire to take sides and rarely do they side with the person who stepped out on the marriage. You would be better off ending the marriage before looking for someone to dominant you.
I know that was a LOT of information to take in at once, but these are the questions that my fan page has been asked over and over and over this last week or so. I wanted to make sure I answered them all and put them here so that anyone else with these questions can have access to the information as well.
Please feel free to share this post to anyone you think may need to read it.