Every few months Master Jason and I sit down and discuss our relationship as a whole. We talk about the BDSM side of things, the open-relationship, parenting and anything else that comes to mind. It is important to both of us that we set aside time to really discuss the details and discuss ways we can improve, rules we can get rid of and how we’re doing emotionally with all the different aspects of our marriage. As a result of our talks, I have decided to go back to school. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for a while, but wasn’t sure I could balance a full time school schedule along with everything else going on in our lives.
I have had three partners outside of our marriage, but until recently, Master Jason has not had even one. Another thing that came out during our most recent discussion was my concern over our open-marriage. We’ve been in an open relationship for about three years now, but due to his hours at work, there hasn’t been a whole lot of room for Master Jason to establish, build and create a relationship of any kind. I told him that he should just join one of the many dating websites in the area. At first he declined because he really isn’t as social as I am and he was just so tired at the end of his workdays that all he wanted to do was come home to me and the kids and hang out with us.
I told Master Jason that if he wants to close up the relationship and be monogamous again, I’m fine with it. I explained that I was concerned merely because I feel like it’s not exactly fair for me to have plenty of time to explore the open side of our marriage while he has no extra time at all. He said that he likes us being open and he hates that he doesn’t have time to meet people. He and I are not the kind of people to just randomly pick someone up at a bar or club. Hell, we rarely go to bars and clubs. I suggested that he allow me to create a profile for him on OK Cupid because I have heard that they are fairly well known for poly and open relationships like ours. He gave me permission to set up his profile. We share an office, so if any questions about the profile I was making for him came up, all I had to do was ask. This allowed us to have the entire profile and over 100 questions finished in less than an hour. By the end of the day, he already had seven messages from seven different women. I had made sure to make it clear that he is married and that he is not scoping out women purely for sex or a threesome with his wife, but an actual friendship/relationship of some kind. Not that there’s anything wrong with casual sex, but we are both extremely picky when it comes to people we’re willing to sleep with.
I still have access to his profile, which helps him out because I play the role of his secretary at times and will let him know that he has a message waiting in his inbox. We try very hard to keep our communication as open and honest as we can. If he wants to have a more private conversation with someone, he uses his email address or various messaging services, and I do the same. If either of us asked to see those messages though, we wouldn’t have a problem sharing them because, again, we’re working hard to keep our communication as open and honest as it possibly can be, too.
Last weekend he had a date with one of the women he has been talking with for a while now. This was not their first date so Master Jason and I discussed everything we could think of before this particular date. I knew, from things he had shared with me, that the chance of sex that night was a high possibility. I made sure he had condoms, he made sure to let me know exactly where they would be and promised to text me if he thought it was going well enough that he would be out for the night. I think I was more nervous than he was, which makes sense because I wouldn’t be on the date and I had not been talking to this woman for as long as he had been. In fact, I hadn’t talked to her at all yet. I was comfortable with him going on dates with her purely because of how open Master Jason has been with what they talk about, and with sharing their messages with me.
I was not prepared for the random bout of jealousy I got when he texted me that he was most definitely spending the night out. A lot of emotions ran through me. I kept telling myself that I had set this whole thing into motion. I reminded myself that it was me who suggested the open-relationship to start with, and it was my idea to create a dating profile for him. I know that jealousy is a symptom of a bigger issue, but I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly that issue was. We had discussed everything and I was completely comfortable with this, so why was I feeling jealous and angry? Needless to say, I did not sleep very well that night.
When Master Jason called me the next morning, I was still in a grumpy mood. I was polite on the phone with him and eager to see him, but I was also trying to keep down the new rush of negative emotions that I felt bubbling up inside of me. He suggested we go to breakfast and then hang out for a little bit to talk. The last thing I wanted to hear was “we should talk” from him. My worst fears started creating images in my head. The voice of doubt tried to convince me he was leaving me for this new person and I struggled to shut it up. By the time I arrived at the restaurant we had chosen for breakfast, I was a hot mess. I didn’t say anything and I am sure the smile I gave him was fairly wobbly. He could instantly tell that I was struggling with my emotions so he did most of the talking. He said he loved me and that last night had not changed that, in fact it had confirmed just how much he loves me. He told me (in detail) about what happened and how it had gone. He sounded so relieved when he told me just how much he enjoys sex with me that I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Why do you say that?” I asked, feeling a little better.
“Well, you never fake it. Ever. And I know exactly what to do to make you orgasm as often as I want. With this girl, it was clear she was trying to fake a few orgasms and it got to the point where I just gave up and let her. I told her later that I don’t appreciate it when the woman I am with fakes an orgasm. I get off on her getting off, and when I am denied that, it’s hard for me to enjoy it too.”
I take a serious amount of pride in knowing that he didn’t have quite as much fun as he thought he would. I even started to feel kind of bad for the woman he was with that night. I suggested that maybe she was just really nervous and it was causing her to second guess everything, but she wanted him to know she was having fun and the only way she could do that was to pretend to orgasm, or try and make it sound like she was having as much fun as someone in that situation normally has. I asked how many partners she had been with previously. I asked what techniques he tried and suggested other things that I particularly enjoy that she might enjoy. As we talked, I realized I was trying to help him get her to reach a genuine orgasm instead of feeling the slightest bit of jealousy. This made me laugh again, with relief.
I made a point to let him know how loved I felt because he had asked me to breakfast, not her. I let him know that it was extremely insightful of him to know that I would need time to adjust and that I would need a reminder that I was still his Alpha-mate. He said “When you answered the phone and sounded polite but standoffish, I knew that you were struggling with this. When you showed up and looked like you might burst into tears at the drop of a hat, I knew I needed to reassure you of my love for you.” It’s the small things he observes and reacts to that remind me why I fell in love with him in the first place.
It has been a week since he went out with her, and he does plan on going out with her again, but not before I get to meet her. Tomorrow we are going to brunch together, all three of us. I’m nervous again, and I’m dealing with little bouts of fear and jealousy, but now I know that I really am okay with this side of the open-relationship. I know that I want this, even though it kind of scares me. I know that monogamy is just not my cup of tea, and that if I’m going to be non-monogamous, then I need to let go of my religious up-bringing and ignore the voice in my head that tries to lie to me. I know that Master Jason loves me and I know that we are a power-couple many people are intimidated by. I know that our relationship is sturdy and that I am secure in this relationship. It’s just going to take some time to adjust to the idea of him dating and sleeping with other women. I’m still anxious, but it’s more like being anxious for a big test. I’ve known about this test for a while now, and I’ve studied for it as much as I possibly can, all I have to do is take the test. I’m certain I will pass. If going back to school has taught me anything at all, it’s that I am a very good student and that I bend over backwards to make sure I am getting the absolute best grade I can get. I do the same thing in my relationship with Master Jason. I research, I think, I write down my emotions and I dig through them to make sure I’m being honest with myself so that I can be honest with him. I know what to expect and I know what doubts will pop in my head. I know that he demands a recent copy of STD test results before he does anything with someone else, just as I do when I am dating someone. It’s just safe. I know that he uses condoms every time, just as I do. I know what to expect, and we are as prepared as we’ll ever be for the “what if’s” that will come up.
Overall this entire experience has confirmed what I already knew: Open-relationships are NOT for everyone. They take more work and a hell of a lot more communication than any other relationship I’ve ever been in. They require absolute honesty and open communication or they simply won’t work. I feel better prepared to advise others in their relationships now, too. (Which is great, because I get asked relationship advice fairly often). I know that this is the right relationship for Master Jason and I and even though it’s a little scary from time to time, I can honestly say that just this one night he had out has already brought us so much closer. I’m constantly telling him how much closer I feel to him now and how weird that feels because so many other people told me I would feel differently. I look forward to whatever life brings us around the next river bend (yes, that’s a Pocahontas reference).
I still have some issues I need to work through, but I’m honest with myself about what those are and realistic enough to know they won’t go away completely. With each new girl Master Jason dates, I’ll probably feel a bit of nerves, but ultimately I rest in the knowledge that I want this and am extremely happy with how things are going.
A quick update before I end this post: I do plan on writing another blog post over the weekend, and since one of my classes has already ended, I will have more time to write (or so the hope goes) and I apologize for being away from my blog for so very long. I am enrolled in college part time and it tends to take up a lot more time than I thought it would, but hopefully, now that things are starting to feel normal, I can schedule in some actual writing time. My book is on hold again though, mostly because I’m learning so many awesome things about writing styles that I am timid at trying to finish it right now. My plan is to continue being a part time student for a few years and then finally graduate with my AA and go to a four year college for my BA. I want to take my time because the four year colleges I am eyeing are out of our current city and I don’t want to move the kids to a new city and new schools in the middle of their high school lives. (They’re currently both in middle school). All in all, I think I feel so happy lately because not only am I working on bettering myself (in so many ways) but I have a plan, a backup plan and even a backup plan for my backup plan. Lol. Life is pretty good right now. I almost feel bad for saying that because it’s always been good, but I had no idea how much better it could be. I think I am secretly waiting for the other shoe to drop and the world to flip on its head and freak me out. I’m sure I’ll have bad days, we all do, but right now I believe that I am going to be just fine. I’m loved, I’m in love and I’m succeeding with all of my responsibilities. For that, I will always have something to be proud of and something to look forward to.
As always, you all are welcome to comment, ask questions or make requests. You can either do that below, or you can email me. AutumnJean2000@gmail.com I’ll respond when I have the time and can give your questions/comments the attention they deserve. You can also find me on Facebook (though I recently uninstalled the mobile app) here: www.Facebook.com/ServingMaster