Being on the Other Side of Our Open-Relationship (Master Jason has a date)

Young couple in love walking in the autumn park holding hands lo

Every few months Master Jason and I sit down and discuss our relationship as a whole. We talk about the BDSM side of things, the open-relationship, parenting and anything else that comes to mind. It is important to both of us that we set aside time to really discuss the details and discuss ways we can improve, rules we can get rid of and how we’re doing emotionally with all the different aspects of our marriage. As a result of our talks, I have decided to go back to school. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for a while, but wasn’t sure I could balance a full time school schedule along with everything else going on in our lives.

I have had three partners outside of our marriage, but until recently, Master Jason has not had even one. Another thing that came out during our most recent discussion was my concern over our open-marriage. We’ve been in an open relationship for about three years now, but due to his hours at work, there hasn’t been a whole lot of room for Master Jason to establish, build and create a relationship of any kind. I told him that he should just join one of the many dating websites in the area. At first he declined because he really isn’t as social as I am and he was just so tired at the end of his workdays that all he wanted to do was come home to me and the kids and hang out with us.

I told Master Jason that if he wants to close up the relationship and be monogamous again, I’m fine with it. I explained that I was concerned merely because I feel like it’s not exactly fair for me to have plenty of time to explore the open side of our marriage while he has no extra time at all. He said that he likes us being open and he hates that he doesn’t have time to meet people. He and I are not the kind of people to just randomly pick someone up at a bar or club. Hell, we rarely go to bars and clubs. I suggested that he allow me to create a profile for him on OK Cupid because I have heard that they are fairly well known for poly and open relationships like ours. He gave me permission to set up his profile. We share an office, so if any questions about the profile I was making for him came up, all I had to do was ask. This allowed us to have the entire profile and over 100 questions finished in less than an hour. By the end of the day, he already had seven messages from seven different women. I had made sure to make it clear that he is married and that he is not scoping out women purely for sex or a threesome with his wife, but an actual friendship/relationship of some kind. Not that there’s anything wrong with casual sex, but we are both extremely picky when it comes to people we’re willing to sleep with.

I still have access to his profile, which helps him out because I play the role of his secretary at times and will let him know that he has a message waiting in his inbox. We try very hard to keep our communication as open and honest as we can. If he wants to have a more private conversation with someone, he uses his email address or various messaging services, and I do the same. If either of us asked to see those messages though, we wouldn’t have a problem sharing them because, again, we’re working hard to keep our communication as open and honest as it possibly can be, too.

Last weekend he had a date with one of the women he has been talking with for a while now. This was not their first date so Master Jason and I discussed everything we could think of before this particular date. I knew, from things he had shared with me, that the chance of sex that night was a high possibility. I made sure he had condoms, he made sure to let me know exactly where they would be and promised to text me if he thought it was going well enough that he would be out for the night. I think I was more nervous than he was, which makes sense because I wouldn’t be on the date and I had not been talking to this woman for as long as he had been. In fact, I hadn’t talked to her at all yet. I was comfortable with him going on dates with her purely because of how open Master Jason has been with what they talk about, and with sharing their messages with me.

I was not prepared for the random bout of jealousy I got when he texted me that he was most definitely spending the night out. A lot of emotions ran through me. I kept telling myself that I had set this whole thing into motion. I reminded myself that it was me who suggested the open-relationship to start with, and it was my idea to create a dating profile for him. I know that jealousy is a symptom of a bigger issue, but I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly that issue was. We had discussed everything and I was completely comfortable with this, so why was I feeling jealous and angry? Needless to say, I did not sleep very well that night.

When Master Jason called me the next morning, I was still in a grumpy mood. I was polite on the phone with him and eager to see him, but I was also trying to keep down the new rush of negative emotions that I felt bubbling up inside of me. He suggested we go to breakfast and then hang out for a little bit to talk. The last thing I wanted to hear was “we should talk” from him. My worst fears started creating images in my head. The voice of doubt tried to convince me he was leaving me for this new person and I struggled to shut it up. By the time I arrived at the restaurant we had chosen for breakfast, I was a hot mess. I didn’t say anything and I am sure the smile I gave him was fairly wobbly. He could instantly tell that I was struggling with my emotions so he did most of the talking. He said he loved me and that last night had not changed that, in fact it had confirmed just how much he loves me. He told me (in detail) about what happened and how it had gone. He sounded so relieved when he told me just how much he enjoys sex with me that I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Why do you say that?” I asked, feeling a little better.

“Well, you never fake it. Ever. And I know exactly what to do to make you orgasm as often as I want. With this girl, it was clear she was trying to fake a few orgasms and it got to the point where I just gave up and let her. I told her later that I don’t appreciate it when the woman I am with fakes an orgasm. I get off on her getting off, and when I am denied that, it’s hard for me to enjoy it too.”

I take a serious amount of pride in knowing that he didn’t have quite as much fun as he thought he would. I even started to feel kind of bad for the woman he was with that night. I suggested that maybe she was just really nervous and it was causing her to second guess everything, but she wanted him to know she was having fun and the only way she could do that was to pretend to orgasm, or try and make it sound like she was having as much fun as someone in that situation normally has. I asked how many partners she had been with previously. I asked what techniques he tried and suggested other things that I particularly enjoy that she might enjoy. As we talked, I realized I was trying to help him get her to reach a genuine orgasm instead of feeling the slightest bit of jealousy. This made me laugh again, with relief.

I made a point to let him know how loved I felt because he had asked me to breakfast, not her. I let him know that it was extremely insightful of him to know that I would need time to adjust and that I would need a reminder that I was still his Alpha-mate. He said “When you answered the phone and sounded polite but standoffish, I knew that you were struggling with this. When you showed up and looked like you might burst into tears at the drop of a hat, I knew I needed to reassure you of my love for you.” It’s the small things he observes and reacts to that remind me why I fell in love with him in the first place.

It has been a week since he went out with her, and he does plan on going out with her again, but not before I get to meet her. Tomorrow we are going to brunch together, all three of us. I’m nervous again, and I’m dealing with little bouts of fear and jealousy, but now I know that I really am okay with this side of the open-relationship. I know that I want this, even though it kind of scares me. I know that monogamy is just not my cup of tea, and that if I’m going to be non-monogamous, then I need to let go of my religious up-bringing and ignore the voice in my head that tries to lie to me. I know that Master Jason loves me and I know that we are a power-couple many people are intimidated by. I know that our relationship is sturdy and that I am secure in this relationship. It’s just going to take some time to adjust to the idea of him dating and sleeping with other women. I’m still anxious, but it’s more like being anxious for a big test. I’ve known about this test for a while now, and I’ve studied for it as much as I possibly can, all I have to do is take the test. I’m certain I will pass. If going back to school has taught me anything at all, it’s that I am a very good student and that I bend over backwards to make sure I am getting the absolute best grade I can get. I do the same thing in my relationship with Master Jason. I research, I think, I write down my emotions and I dig through them to make sure I’m being honest with myself so that I can be honest with him. I know what to expect and I know what doubts will pop in my head. I know that he demands a recent copy of STD test results before he does anything with someone else, just as I do when I am dating someone. It’s just safe. I know that he uses condoms every time, just as I do. I know what to expect, and we are as prepared as we’ll ever be for the “what if’s” that will come up.

Overall this entire experience has confirmed what I already knew: Open-relationships are NOT for everyone. They take more work and a hell of a lot more communication than any other relationship I’ve ever been in. They require absolute honesty and open communication or they simply won’t work. I feel better prepared to advise others in their relationships now, too. (Which is great, because I get asked relationship advice fairly often). I know that this is the right relationship for Master Jason and I and even though it’s a little scary from time to time, I can honestly say that just this one night he had out has already brought us so much closer. I’m constantly telling him how much closer I feel to him now and how weird that feels because so many other people told me I would feel differently. I look forward to whatever life brings us around the next river bend (yes, that’s a Pocahontas reference).

I still have some issues I need to work through, but I’m honest with myself about what those are and realistic enough to know they won’t go away completely. With each new girl Master Jason dates, I’ll probably feel a bit of nerves, but ultimately I rest in the knowledge that I want this and am extremely happy with how things are going.

A quick update before I end this post: I do plan on writing another blog post over the weekend, and since one of my classes has already ended, I will have more time to write (or so the hope goes) and I apologize for being away from my blog for so very long. I am enrolled in college part time and it tends to take up a lot more time than I thought it would, but hopefully, now that things are starting to feel normal, I can schedule in some actual writing time. My book is on hold again though, mostly because I’m learning so many awesome things about writing styles that I am timid at trying to finish it right now. My plan is to continue being a part time student for a few years and then finally graduate with my AA and go to a four year college for my BA. I want to take my time because the four year colleges I am eyeing are out of our current city and I don’t want to move the kids to a new city and new schools in the middle of their high school lives. (They’re currently both in middle school). All in all, I think I feel so happy lately because not only am I working on bettering myself (in so many ways) but I have a plan, a backup plan and even a backup plan for my backup plan. Lol. Life is pretty good right now. I almost feel bad for saying that because it’s always been good, but I had no idea how much better it could be. I think I am secretly waiting for the other shoe to drop and the world to flip on its head and freak me out. I’m sure I’ll have bad days, we all do, but right now I believe that I am going to be just fine. I’m loved, I’m in love and I’m succeeding with all of my responsibilities. For that, I will always have something to be proud of and something to look forward to.

As always, you all are welcome to comment, ask questions or make requests. You can either do that below, or you can email me. I’ll respond when I have the time and can give your questions/comments the attention they deserve. You can also find me on Facebook (though I recently uninstalled the mobile app) here:

–Autumn Lokerson

The Honorable Thing To Do

Wedding Contract

I was all prepared to write a vent blog post. I even had a title picked out “Don’t Interrupt Me When I’m Gaming…” a blog dedicated to how many ways Master has made me feel inadequate and worthless this past week. A blog based on sleep exhaustion, over sensitivity and something that I am to blame for (at least 50% of the blame is on my own shoulders.)

I even did a web search about how “alone and worthless” I’ve felt in the past few weeks as a stay at home wife and mother. I read random blogs, quotes, articles about how many women feel like they aren’t respected and loved and how their husbands make them feel worthless. Most of these stories centered around women with young children who were pregnant and willing to admit they were also hormonal.

I even dragged out my favorite “show me more love” song by Kenny Rogers (Buy me a rose). I sat in my bed, crying about how worthless I feel and listening to the song on repeat… and as I sat there feeling sorry for myself, I noticed the state of the bedroom. I noticed the dirty clothes on the floor. I remembered how I had to jump out of bed this morning, throw on a robe and go find Master a fresh, clean towel. I remembered that he asked me three days ago to make sure he had clean socks (and I remember tasking my daughter to do the laundry because I didn’t feel like doing anything extra for Master.)

I forced myself to think of the song from his point of view. The lyrics start out with “He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants…” and continues with a short list of all the things he’s bought her, provided for her, done for her. And yet, all the woman in the song wants is more time with him. A call from him while he’s at work, flowers for the hell of it and not because he’s wronged her somehow, and for him to open doors for her. It’s a good song, but the message I found myself hearing this time was not “Buy me a rose because I need to be reminded that you love me”. The message I heard today (again while trying to feel sorry for myself and wallow in my misery) was “Look at all the things Master does for you. He is trying to show you he loves you, even if it’s not in the way you want him to.”

I started looking for a parody version of the song, or the male equivalent for it where the man puts it back on the woman. (Maybe something like “Make me a sandwich” lol). But there wasn’t one (at least not one that I found in the short three minutes I dedicated to looking for a parody). I changed search topics and started looking for “Ways to show my husband I respect him”.

That’s when I came across this blog post titled Your Husband Doesn’t Have to Earn Your Respect. Talk about an eye opener. Two things Matt says in this post almost jumped off the page at me:

“You don’t marry someone to give them what they deserve. In marriage, you give them what you’ve promised them, even when they aren’t holding up their end of the bargain.” (Emphasis added)

“If a wife parcels out her respect on some sort of reward system basis, the husband has nothing to strive for. As her respect for him diminishes, so too does his motivation to behave respectably. If respect is wielded like a ransom against him, he will grow more isolated and distant.” (Emphasis again added by me)

Matt makes an excellent point. Here I am, wallowing in tears and (at this point) self-hate, pointing out my own flaws and trying to blame Master for them (not doing laundry, passing off simple chores I can do to children when I know the girls won’t do them properly or efficiently, waiting for Master to come in and ask what’s wrong so I can berate him about how crappy of a job he’s doing in showing me he loves me, etc. and yet I can’t ignore the small voice in my head saying “And what have you done lately to show him how much you respect him? How appreciative you are for the 100+ hours he puts into his job to make sure ends meet? When is the last time I went out of my way for him even when I thought he didn’t deserve it?

Oh don’t get me wrong, I’ve gone out of my way for him… but usually it’s because I want something in return, and I want it instantly. I will happily make Master a cup of espresso…. if he gives me a back massage first. I’ll offer to do something nice for him… if he does something nice for me first. I wasn’t giving him what I promised him simply because I made a promise. I was trading favors with him. “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine, but only if you scratch mine first.”

I bitch at him because I don’t feel appreciated. I make him feel like crap for stupid little things I think he did wrong, or said incorrectly. I am 100% guilty of twisting his words (even compliments) and making them seem like he was insulting me, hurting me, or trying to make me feel small. When I really get going, I can easily ignore all the things he does for me, for our children, for this house and I have hawk-like eyesight when it comes to anything that he does that might possibly be bad.

The beginning of Matt’s blog goes like this:

“I can’t tell you where I was or who was there or when it happened. I don’t want to add to this guy’s humiliation, so I am keeping this vague and generic. I can simply tell you that, some time ago, I found myself in the same vicinity as another married couple.

I certainly can’t read their minds, and I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes, all I know is that the husband couldn’t seem to utter a single phrase that wouldn’t provoke exaggerated eye-rolling from his wife.

She disagreed with everything he said.

She contradicted nearly every statement.

She even nagged him.

She brought up a “funny” story that made him out to be incompetent and foolish. He laughed, but he was embarrassed.

She was gutting him right in front of us. Emasculating him. Neutering him. Damaging him.
It was excruciating.

It was tragic.”

And here I am, doing exactly that to my husband.

I found myself crying again, but this time it wasn’t in self-pity, it was in self-disgust. I like to think that I am better than some people, that I treat my husband, my Master better than “those vanilla wives” would ever treat their men. I like to think I am above certain attitudes and issues… but here I am, just as guilty as the woman in Matt’s post.

And what makes it worse (in my opinion anyway) is that I am not only his wife, I am his submissive. I want to think of myself as an example to other submissives, and hopefully a good one. I like to believe that I am the person other women look to for lessons on how to be a better submissive, a better wife, a better person. Maybe I’m fooling myself, maybe not, but I do not like being reminded that I am just as flawed as everyone else. I don’t like pointing the finger inward and realizing that I am making mistakes. What I hate even more is having to admit when I am wrong. (I don’t mind being wrong, but having to admit that I am wrong… that’s painful.)

How will I handle this reminder? By trying to remember that I make mistakes too, and that’s okay… but it’s really only okay if I work to correct those mistakes. It’s not enough to admit that I am in the wrong here. (And yes, Master has done some things and said some things that hurt my feelings too, but there’s two of us in this relationship and I cannot, should not, allow him to take all of the blame here.) If I am serious about changing, if I want to be this person I think I am to my fans, I absolutely must make a point to change my behavior, my actions and my words. Even if (and especially when) I don’t think Master deserves my respect, I want to give it to him. Not because he earned it, but because I promised it to him.

When I made my marriage vows, when I wrote up our D/s contract and submitted to him, I made promises. I wrote out rules that I promised I would live by. I write blog posts, fan pages and tweets about what an awesome submissive I am and how much I do for Master… but these are things I choose to do for myself as much as for him. And if I really look hard in the mirror, I can see the facade I’ve created and started to buy into.

I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I have made fun of Master in front of his friends at his expense. I have gone out of my way to say things I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that are intended to leave emotional scars. If Master is isolating himself from me by playing video games, if I feel that he is growing distant and uninterested, I can’t help but wonder how much of that is partly my fault.

I have a lot more emotional growing to do than I thought I would at this age. (31, in case you’re wondering)

So what’s my plan now? To end this blog post, go to Master, get on my knees and apologize and then to do some laundry.

I’m sure I will fail him again, I am equally sure he will fail me at times too, but maybe, just maybe, I can learn from this mistake and work to make sure I keep up my end of the bargain more often, even when he drops the ball. It’s the honorable thing to do.


The Good Submissive


For the sake of this blog post, and my sanity, I am using the term “submissive” here, but please understand that this can apply to all forms of the submissive: slaves, bottoms, switches, etc. On top of that, I will most likely refer to the submissive as female and the Dom as male more often than not. This is only because in my relationships where I am submissive, am the submissive (and I happen to be female) and the Doms I have submitted to happen to be male. This is NOT the only type of BDSM relationship out there and more than that, not all submissives are female and not all Dominants are male. It makes it easier on me as a writer, and usually on the readers, if I stick to one format instead of constantly changing it up. 

About two years ago I wrote a blog post titled “The Good Dom” that explains what I believe makes a good Dominant. I have been asked many times to write a partner piece titled “The Good Submissive” but I kept putting it off and putting it off and putting it off some more. I didn’t want to write a partner piece. It meant that I would have to closely examine my own submission and point out my own flaws. It means that I will most likely step on toes of other submissives (slaves, bottoms, etc) and either not cover enough items or mention things that others feel shouldn’t be counted, or…. well anything that could hurt someone else’s feelings.

It meant having to look at myself under a microscope and admit that when it comes to my lists of “shoulds” and “should nots” I may be lacking myself in some areas. No one enjoys that kind of thing, but at the same time, it is my job to be as authentic and realistic on here as I can be. I owe it to my readers to tell the good with the bad, to give my opinion even if it may not be welcomed… that’s kind of the point of the blog in general. At the time however, I feel that “The Good Dom” deserves a partner piece. Something that can help fellow submissives understand what (I believe) makes them good at submitting and what red flags to be aware of that (if we’re honest with ourselves) we all have done or do, or even think about doing.

When it comes to a healthy BDSM relationship there are key things that should be applied to everyone involved in the relationship: emotional stability, a willingness to communicate fully with your partner, a desire to work at the relationship, even if that relationship is almost purely sexual — it still requires at least a little bit of work, and if it doesn’t I’d love to know how you manage to keep a relationship without doing any work at all, ever, seriously, email me your secrets, please. Lol.

Before I begin though, let me state that these are my opinions. I hate that I have to put that here, it is a personal blog after all and EVERYTHING I write here is from my own point of view, but I get bitched at for wording things “in a factual kind of way” and “not making it clear” that these are my opinions, thoughts and reflections, not scientific fact.

What Makes A Good Submissive (slave, bottom, etc)? Master Jason said that all the things that make a Good Dom can also be applied to a Good Submissive. The main differences between a good girlfriend/boyfriend and a Good Dom/sub are in how we respond to conflict, handle who does what in the relationship and the attitude of respect that tends to go hand in hand with a healthy BDSM relationship. If you ask your girlfriend to make you a sandwich, she might tell you to jump off a bridge and make it yourself. If you ask a submissive to make a sandwich, you still might get a sassy remark, but she’ll make that sandwich anyway. Healthy is healthy. The main difference between a healthy relationship and a healthy BDSM relationship is simply kinky sex and defined roles. You know who wears the pants in your relationship, you don’t fight over it.

That being said, there are some things that submissive should have/do/be that differ from a regular, vanilla relationship (for the most part anyway).

A Good Submissive:

  1. Should be emotionally stable enough to actually participate in a relationship to begin with.
    • I’ve come across far too many people (Doms and subs) who really need to just take a break from seeking a love life and work on themselves first. You know the type I’m talking about. These women (and men) have just gotten over a bad breakup and are more interested in hooking their Prince Charming Dominant as soon as possible. They’re lonely and (sadly) a little desperate (no judging, I’ve been there, rock bottom is hell, even more so when you’re alone for it). But they don’t want to take time between relationships to examine who they are and why the last one didn’t work out. They don’t want to heal and move on, they just want to move on.
    • There are other cases where someone may not have the mental capacity to be involved in any relationship, let alone one that requires constant review, constant honesty (with their Dom/me as well as with themselves) and constant accountability. If a person can not be honest with themselves, they won’t be able to be honest with others and in BDSM honest communication is vital to the success of a scene and ultimately, the relationship as a whole.
  2. Should be willing to admit when they are wrong. 
    • Let’s face it, you’re not right all the time. No one enjoys being wrong, but there’s a difference in your mannerisms and behavior when you willingly admit that you’re wrong on something and when you feel trapped and/or forced to admit that you’ve messed up. The decision to willingly admit when you have been wrong tells the other person that you respect them enough to admit when they are right. It helps to grow the relationship as well as solidify the trust there. This goes a long, long, long way in a BDSM relationship, especially in the training phase of a D/s relationship. And since we’re being honest, you know how good it feels when someone says “Okay, you were right, I was wrong.” to you, why would you not want to return the favor and be just as willing to admit when you’re wrong?
  3. Have a strong desire to submit in the first place.
    • This doesn’t mean that you have to be a doormat. In fact, doormats need not apply. The Dominant that is looking for someone to always give in to what they want and never, ever question them or disagree with them is NOT a Good Dom and you don’t want to submit to him in the first place (unless heartache and frustration is your goal….)
    • It also doesn’t mean that you must submit to everyone who claims to be a Dom/me. It simply means that you have a desire to be submissive in the bedroom, and maybe (for some of us) outside of the bedroom, but only to a certain person (or select few) and how exactly you submit should be discussed (as equals) before you jump into anything.
  4. Does not manipulate the Dom/me or “Top from the bottom”
    • This one is a little harder to explain, especially to new submissives and especially since so many people tend to have a different view on what exactly “topping from the bottom” entails.
      In my personal opinion, topping from the bottom means more than just teasingly being sarcastic so you get a fun swat on the ass as you walk by, or saying something you know your Dom/me will chase you around the house for saying (in a fun, loving, adult form of tag.)
    • Topping from the bottom is manipulation. It is where a submissive purposefully goes out of his or her way to get a specific (and usually negative) reaction from the Dom/me. The most common practice is doing something that goes against your rules simply so that you get punished for it. (For me, this used to happen when I was feeling neglected and frustrated and just wanted Master to pay attention to me. Much like a toddler throwing a fit, I wanted attention no matter what I had to do to get it. Over time, I finally learned to just ASK for it. Even if what I want is a “pain session” — in my case, a spanking, flogging, whipping, etc. It became easier on Master Jason AND on me to just simply tell him how I was feeling and why than it ever was to for me to “act out” and expect results.)
  5. Is willing to ask for what they need/want
    • A Good Submissive will tell her Dom when she needs extra time with him. She will also understand if he can’t immediately comply. She is willing to be honest about why she’s being extra bratty (sometimes it takes us a little while to figure out what we’re lacking, sometimes the Dom may have figured it out first, but usually the submissive just needs to spend a few minutes reflecting and trying to figure out what’s going on in her own head before she can put it into words for her Dom.) One way to help combat this is journaling. Many of the Doms I have met have had their submissive keep a daily blog/journal/diary to help both of them be able to communicate better. I know that for me personally, I can write out how I’m feeling and why I’m frustrated easier than I can verbalize it.
    • Dominants are not mind readers. They can not possibly know every single want/desire/wish/need that you have. They can cover a wide range of them, but they’ll never know them all. Master once said that he likes picking out things for me from time to time because he likes knowing what I want. My immediate reaction was “How do you know what I want when I don’t even know what I want half the time?” He looked at me and said “Because you often tell me and I keep track of items you’ve said you want for when birthdays and holidays and random other times come up.” It was a bit of a shock to know that he both listens and keeps a record of my wants. As a result, I keep a “dreams and wishes” wishlist handy that Master can easily access (usually via but there are many other ways you can do this if interested). I admit, I forget what I’ve put on the wishlist more often than not, but the point isn’t that I remember, the point is that I’ve mentioned it to begin with. Asking for what I want is always better than assuming he will know what I want and magically provide it for me.
  6. Should not be looking for someone to rescue her from her life and fix everything for her.
    • This is real life. This is not fantasy. This is not Disney. If you take away all of your problems, all of your stress, and take money out of the equation, would you still be willing to submit to someone else? If your answer is no, then you are not ready for a BDSM relationship, nor are you ready to be submissive to someone else.
  7. A Good Submissive chooses to submit.
    • It’s really that simple. On top of everything else he or she is, she chooses to submit and trust me when I tell you that it is a daily (sometimes minute by minute) choice. How you act/react, what you say when you’re angry, and whether or not you follow the rules you’ve agreed to are all things you choose. No one forces you to do anything (though sometimes it might feel like it, ultimately you know that the choice is yours to make).
    • If you constantly feel as though you’re being forced to do crap you don’t want to do, then maybe it’s time to end that relationship or at the very least, re-negotiate the rules. As with any relationship, there should be some give and some take. Even in BDSM no one person does all of the giving, and no one person does all of the taking. That’s yet another reason why it’s important to take time to negotiate what BDSM means to each person involved in your relationship and figure out what you’re both willing and unwilling to do (or have done to you). 

Use common sense when trying to apply any of these things to your own relationships. Sometimes what I’ve written will work for you, other times it won’t. Your relationship will be as unique as the people involved in it. There isn’t some cookie cutter, one size fits all brand of BDSM out there. Sure, there are similarities, but what defines us are our differences and we should rejoice in the fact that there are so many different ways to approach and explore BDSM.



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embracing the journey of submission


A submissive pet


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