The University of BDSM

University-of-BDSM-blackboard

In some BDSM relationships where there is not a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE) there is a symbolic gesture that signifies when the roles of both Dom and sub are in play. Much like actors on a stage getting into character by putting on clothing specific for that role, putting a collar on a submissive helps both the Dominant and the submissive know when they are in the D/s roles, just as taking the collar off signifies the end of the role playing.

I am Master Jason’s submissive all day, every day. I know this, I accept this, I even asked for this. Even when I am in a scene with someone else, another Dominant, I am still owned by Master Jason. To help me remember who owns me at all times I keep something of Master Jason’s on my person. Sometimes this is as simple as wearing my wedding bands (which I rarely take off) or as complex as wearing his collar. It just depends on the situation, the scene and what other clothes I may or may not be wearing.

This past weekend I had the chance to play with another Dominant (the details of that will be told in another blog post). I am not in a TPE with this Dominant though and we had things to discuss before we stepping into the roles of Top and bottom. In fact, the difference between M/s, D/s and T/b was something that we wanted to go over before we began any kind of power exchange.

Please understand that T/b (Top/bottom), D/s (Dominant/submissive) and M/s (Master/slave) can be and usually are interchanged depending on the couple, the relationship they have and what titles they are comfortable using with each other. I have met many wonderful submissives who consider themselves to be slaves but do not like to be called “slave”. Just as I have met many strong Dominants that I would consider to be “Masters” in BDSM but prefer the term “Dominant” simply because it doesn’t sound as pompous to them.

That being said, this may help others understand why there are so many different titles, and how Top may be different from Master, submissive different from bottom and so on and so forth. I don’t know where this example started, or who originally wrote it, but when it was repeated to me, I realized how much this example may help others understand some of the key differences in certain power play dynamics.

A Top, Dom, and Master are lounging by a pool. Swimming in the pool are a bottom, sub, and slave.

The Top says to the bottom, “Go get me a can of coke.” The bottom stops what she’s doing and looks at the Top, replying, “Where are your manners?” The Top says, “…please…” The bottom, satisfied, gets out of the pool and walks past the Top to get to the cooler, earning a smack on the ass as she passes, which she takes gratefully. She opens the cooler, removes two cans of soda, hands one to the Top and opens the other for herself, returning to the pool.

The Dom says to the sub, “Go get me a can of coke.” The sub immediately gets out of the pool, saying, “Yes, Sir.” and hurries to the cooler. She knows that by ‘coke’ he means any cola flavored beverage, so she selects a bottled cola, and closes the cooler. She feels that the cola is not quite cold enough for her Dom’s tastes, which she knows and anticipates well by now, so she goes inside to retrieve a glass and some ice and then pours the coke into the glass with the ice. Noting that it is near noon, she also makes a sandwich for her Dom and then comes out presenting them both for him, for his desires are paramount and she does what she can to anticipate and fulfill them.

The Master says to the slave, “Go get me a can of coke.” The slave immediately stops what she is doing, nods to her Master, and goes to the cooler. She searches the cooler and sees bottles of cola and cans of other beverages, but is unable to find any cans of Coke within. She spies one sitting nearby, outside of the cooler and then immediately and wordlessly returns with the can to her Master, kneeling and presenting it to him. She has no judgment on whether or not he intends to drink the coke, throw it into the pool for her to fetch, or shove it into one of her orifices, she only hears the instruction and obeys as closely as she is able.

 On my blog I have often referred to myself in past blog posts as a slave and my husband Jason as my Master. But using the example above I would have to say that my relationship with Master Jason is more of a mix between T/b and D/s than it is M/s.

I still interchange the words “slave” and “submissive” and of course “bottom” from time to time, but I don’t really feel like I could actually be his slave any longer. Mostly it comes down to this: if he tried to shove a can of coke near one of my orifices, I’d probably kick his ass (or at least put up a damn good fight.) And I know Master Jason well enough to know that if I were to bring him a warm can of whatever the hell he asked for, it would be considered a snarky and bratty move. When he asks me for a drink, he expects it a certain way. For example, if he said “Bring me some coffee” I would not go to the kitchen, grab a bag of coffee beans and bring it to him. I would know that by “coffee” he means a latte. And if I’m unsure of what exactly he means by this, I ask.

MOST of the couples you meet along your journey through BDSM will have picked and chosen what aspects to each role they like and put those to use. This is why we (as a community) say that every BDSM relationship is as different as the people involved in it. It can get very, very confusing (as my vanilla friend Tory likes to point out before asking questions about my relationship with Master Jason.) It gets even more confusing when people like me use the title “Master” to refer to their Dominant and then the title “bottom” and “submissive” to refer to themselves.

When I first started out in BDSM I did not fully understand how many roles, names for those roles and ways to present those roles there were. In fact, if you read through my archived blog posts, I’m sure you can find a few instances (or more) where I’ve made newbie mistakes in understanding certain aspects to BDSM. But that’s part of the point of this blog: it’s my journey into BDSM and if I wasn’t growing and learning… well it would be a very dull journey indeed. When you’re starting out, you don’t need to know all the different roles, names, etc. You just need to know the general concept, but as time passes you learn just how big the world of BDSM can be and how vastly different one D/s dynamic can be from another.

I explained it to my friend Tori this way:

Picture BDSM as a university. At the University of BDSM you can major in lots of things. There are many different classes and many different career choices that you can make. There are so many different subjects (kinds of kinks and fetishes) and majors (types of BDSM relationships, names for “families” — leather, poly, furry, etc) that it is new, exciting and extremely overwhelming at times. You feel as though you can study for years and years and years and still have only scratched the surface.

You have new students who are attending and have a slight idea of what exactly BDSM is, but most of the information they’re learning, they’re seeing for the first time ever. (Like freshmen at college, they change majors often because they didn’t realize just how much stuff there is to know about BDSM. They may have come to the school with the intent of being leaders in general and then realized that they would like to specialize in BDSM toy making, or latex, or anal play, etc…)

You have older students who have been attending the University of BDSM for a year or more and are still learning. No longer are they beginners, but they’re still considered to be novices. You have teachers who may specialize in certain areas, but would never pretend to know everything that the University of BDSM has to offer or can teach.

You also have research assistants, teaching assistants and Professors. The research assistants know quite a bit about a few particular subjects under the wide umbrella of BDSM, but haven’t really felt the need (or desire) to teach what they know to others. They enjoy researching, not teaching.

The teaching assistants are eager to help others learn, and understand a subject well enough to feel they can teach it, but they’ve never actually taught it before. They know more than the students who are hearing some of the information for the first time, but they have not yet taught a class on it. They assist the main teacher because it gives them a chance to learn how to teach the information they already know.

The teachers have been teaching for years. The information is not new to them, though they find they still learn things from their students, but for the most part they know what they’re talking about when it comes to their particular subject (or subjects) at the University of BDSM.

The Professors have been doing this for decades. Some of them are set in their ways and refuse to use some of the new terms, ways of doing things or concepts. They accept some of the new stuff, but prefer the old ways, and the rest of the new stuff they reject wholeheartedly. They are well respected by most of the school, but challenged from time to time by others. They consider themselves to be more knowledgeable than most, but find themselves challenged from time to time just the same. The best Professors are still willing to admit when they are wrong and the ones that should probably just retire from teaching claim to never be wrong.

When I look at where I am now, I would consider myself to be a “teacher’s assistant”. I’ve done the research, I understand the concept for most of the subject and I want to help others learn it too. I do not have a lot of experience under my belt yet, but I am working on that. I assist, I lecture, I teach, but I am still wide-eyed and bushy tailed when it comes to much of the BDSM world.

Master Jason would be a research assistant, believe it or not. He doesn’t have any real desire to teach the craft of BDSM, any of it, to anyone else. He enjoys learning about it, he loves to research it, but the actually giving a lecture or class on it is not something he would ever pursue. He will happily pass on his thoughts and things he’s learned from his research to me, he can even hold his own when discussing certain topics with friends, but he would get annoyed and possibly even a little bored with teaching it to a full class.

One of the things I look for when I am seeking other play partners is someone that is not as “new” at this as I am. I look for the Teachers and sometimes even enjoy challenging the Professors and picking their brains. I am still learning, but simultaneously teaching what I’ve learned thus far to most of you by blogging it out.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to play with someone who has been in the lifestyle a lot longer than I have, has done a lot more than I have and is experienced enough that I would consider him to be a “teacher”. (He’s still too young and not quite stubborn enough for me to consider him as a “Professor” though he may challenge me on that.)

These were the things Sir Christian and I discussed before I knelt before him and he put a collar around my neck to signified our play time as ‘Top and bottom’ had begun. (We decided that for the time being, and especially because we’re still getting to know each other, the Top/bottom dynamic fits where we are currently, best. I like it because it allows me to be fully me: sassy, pushy and yet submissive. He likes it because he isn’t pressured to give me a laundry list of rules that he can’t always enforce — since we’re only in a power exchange for the brief times we’re together — nor does he feel pressured to come up with that list of rules for a submissive he’s still learning about.) Later, when the collar came back off, I knew that we were once again equals and that I no longer needed to call him Sir, or obey his word. I could choose to, of course, but it was no longer required for me to do so.

To help keep the confusion down as I tell the story of what happened last weekend,  I will refer to each Dominant by their full titles instead of just “Master” and “Sir”. Master Jason and Sir Christian are their full titles. I am married to, collared by and fully owned by Master Jason. Anyone else I ever play with will have Master Jason’s permission to play with me first. All rules given to me by Master Jason trump any other rules another Dom can give me. For example: one of Master Jason’s rules is “no smoking”, therefore I could not nor would I obey an order to smoke from another Dom, and if they even tried to give me that order knowing it’s against my rules with Master Jason, the relationship between that Dom and I would instantly be over.

Silly side note: when I first started talking to Sir Christian I could not help but roll my eyes at his name. I giggled and said “I’m sorry. You have the unfortunate coincidence of sharing the same name as the wanna-be-pussy of a dom in 50 Shades of Crap” (my title for the 50 Shades series). He made a face, told me that he knew that and it was a constant frustration for him to have to now clarify that he is NOT the kind of idiot that Christian Grey is. Of course, from that point on I still chuckle and/or roll my eyes at any and all similarities between Christian Grey and Sir Christian.

I have been talking to Sir Christian for a while now (again, with Master Jason’s permission) and the three of us felt that enough information, emails and time had passed that we were comfortable with a meet-up. Originally it was just going to be a platonic “nice to actually meet you in person” meet… but it evolved quickly into a “let’s meet in person, see if the chemistry we have online applies to us offline as well, and then possibly have some kinky fun together” kind of meeting. I have exchanged hundreds of emails with him. We have discussed our limits (hard and soft) and the rules that Master Jason has given me. He has read much of my blog to help him better understand the dynamic between Master Jason and I. He had even reached out and emailed Master Jason personally so that they could discuss where the boundaries are when it comes to how my submission to Sir Christian would work. Sir Christian is quite the gentleman and extremely honorable, just as Master Jason is. Sir Christian would not ever ask me to do something that goes against something Master Jason has instructed me to do (or instructed me not to do).

The day of my first meeting with Sir Christian, I jokingly told Master Jason that it was a bit like sharing custody of me. “The Joint custody of the submissive Autumn” is how I phrased it. He gave me a wicked grin and said “You do realize that if you disobey one of us, both of us will know about it, do you not?” I froze for a moment and thought over that statement. He’s right… if I fail to do my chores and tasks with Master Jason and am therefore unable to go out and play with Sir Christian, I will most likely suffer consequences from both of them. “Oh damn, this is like being a child with two parents!” I teasingly complained. My only answer was another look from Master Jason. A very satisfied, extremely sadistic smile that worked its way slowly across his features and then reached his eyes as he said in a low and seductive voice “Exactly. I’m glad you understand what you’re getting yourself into.” Somehow that made it even more exciting for me and my bratty side thought of delicious ways I could push both their buttons and tease them equally. Like a child who knows better, I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I reached for a cookie I was told I can’t have. I chose not to say this, but I didn’t have to. Master Jason reads me as easily as code in a computer program. Little facial expressions and mannerisms hint at what’s going through my mind. Blushing I decided to drop the topic and let him get back to emailing Sir Christian about my evening with him and what was to be in store for “little autumn” that night. The sexual details of our first encounter deserve their own blog post, they were that fantastic and I want to make sure I give them the time they deserve when I write it out for you all to read. It isn’t something that should be crammed into the ending portion of this or any other blog post. It is a fantastic story that deserves an equally fantastic telling.

It was surreal because I almost felt like one of my own fans; new to this and seeking information. I laughed at myself, the author of a BDSM blog dedicated to helping others find their own path in BDSM, because of how nervous I was. I thought this kind of thing would be easy and thrilling and it was definitely thrilling but, it was hard for me too. In fact, it was hard in ways I didn’t really expect it to be. You see, even though I blog about my submission to Master Jason and even though he and I have definite rules set out for our relationship, they are not the same rules that I may have with someone else. My experience in BDSM with Master Jason is the ONLY experience I’ve had thus far. Anything he and I have done is everything that I have ever done. And here I was, in a hotel room, with someone far more advanced in the practice of BDSM than I was. Someone who was willing to show me more and teach me what he’s learned in his own adventures through BDSM. Someone who could actually help me remember what it was like when I first started this blog, nearly five years ago, and remind me of how much there is to learn at the University of BDSM.

I am certain that Sir Christian and I will play again in the very near future and I am grateful for the reminder of what it is like to be so new to something that everything is a little scary. I count myself among the fortunate for being able to learn so much from so many people. I am grateful to the authors, their books and blogs and even the events and instructional videos out there to help people understand BDSM, but to be able to remember what it was like when I was brand new at this… that’s a lesson that is easily forgotten and I am even more grateful to have the chance to re-learn. And I can only hope that I am able to help others learn as easily as I feel I’ve been taught.

–Autumn Lokerson

My First Male/Female/Male Threesome

MMF

Monday night was supposed to be boring. I should have been at home, playing Halo Reach, thinking that this is the extent of my social life. I normally would have laundry going, dinner done and bedtime on the horizon. I almost never venture out on a Monday night, at least not anywhere for long and certainly not with intent to stay out all night…. which is part of why this past Monday night was so different.

I sat at the bar with my friend Kaitlin and her boyfriend Jake, waiting for them to show up. I couldn’t help but glance at my watch every five minutes. Even the bartender noticed. “Expecting more friends?” he would ask, while making my next drink. “Yes.” was all I could muster out before my nerves took over and closed my throat up again. Jake and Kaitlin would just smile and give me knowing looks.

I was here to meet up with two old friends of mine, two male friends of mine, men I haven’t seen in a few years, but have managed to keep the friendship alive with. Men Master has only met via emails and Skype. Men I have fantasized about for several years, that have managed to stay close friends despite the fact that one lives in New York City and the other in Boston. It just so happened that they were both coming to San Francisco on business around the same time and I promised to show them a good time, though when I made that promise I had meant it in a completely platonic sense…. I had no idea that they would be showing me a good time as well, or as intimately. It wasn’t until I got a little tipsy one night and was chatting with Christophe on Facebook about how I’d always had this fantasy of doing him and Travis, then things really got interesting and kinkier plans were made.

It had been discussed and worked out and Master was on board with it, though not interested in being involved since he prefers the threesomes he would participate in to be multiple females and only one male. It was to be my first threesome, my first MMF threesome at that. Kaitlin kept giving me sidelong grins as she nursed her Ginger Beer. She was’t quite sure how to approach the topic and I was’t sure I could really discuss it. She was here for moral and physical support, and probably to make sure I went through with this. I’m certain that she went home with Jake and they had kinky, hot sex as well, though I haven’t had a chance to get all the details out of her yet. She merely said they have me to thank for some of the dirty things they did in bed that night and then she prompted me to keep telling her about my night.

I made sure to wear comfortable but sexy clothing. Which to me means jeans and a tank-top. I’m not going to be clothed for long, and I’m not going to get all dolled up when I’m already nervous enough. Plus it was rainy and cold, not the kind of weather that calls for short skirts and high heels. And I was going to be staying the night at Christophe’s hotel room, I wanted to make sure whatever clothes I got back into after a night of pure sex were equally comfy. Not wanting to show up at the bar with an overnight bag, I just put extra panties in my coat pocket and made sure the clothing I had on was super comfy and super cute. I think I pulled it off well, though I’m not sure my outfit was on anyone’s mind to begin with.

Kaitlin immediately noticed their arrival. My side still hurts from where she nudged me hard to let me know they had arrived. I didn’t need the warning though, I hadn’t taken my eyes off the door long enough to do anything other than check my watch. I knew they were here. I smiled at Christophe and Travis, blushed and looked down at my drink. They were at my side in less than a minute. Goosebumps prickled over my skin and I know my blush deepened. In just a few hours, I would be fucked by these guys, or rather, I would be fucking them. Both. At the same time. I got wet just thinking about it and more excited and nervous than I thought was humanly possible.

Kaitlin, knowing what was coming and that their arrival was her cue to go, wished me luck, made me promise to give her all the dirty details before blogging them and hailed a cab with Jake. I watched them leave and barely remember telling her to have a good night before turning to Christophe and Jake and trying to make small talk about back home and how everyone was and blah blah blah….. I was still nervously thinking about what else the night had in store for me. Christophe sat on my left, where Kaitlin had just been and Travis sat in the empty seat to my right. They ordered drinks (sodas) and we just kind of sat there for a few minutes. I felt a hand on my thigh and looked down to see Christophe groping me and lightly running his nails over my jean-clad leg. It was like an electric shock to my pussy, exactly what I needed to suddenly want to leave the bar. Christophe pulled out a twenty, slapped it on the counter, downed the rest of his soda and said “Okay, fuck this, let’s go.” I obeyed, finished off my own drink and stood up. Adrenaline kicking in is way better than nervously sitting and waiting. Travis smiled his slow smile, stood up, took a moment to drink the rest of his own soda and turned saying “I prefer to take my time” before he winked and grabbed my right arm. Sputtering I gave Christophe my left arm and we walked out of the bar like we were on a yellow brick road and off to see the wizard of sex. (We left out the skipping part though.)

The walk to Christophe’s place was short and cold. A light rain had started and Kaitlin had my umbrella in her giant purse, I had asked her to hold it for me, and forgotten to get it back before she left. The ice cold water lightly hitting my skin was exhilarating, my nerves were on fire with apprehension and the light rain made it feel as though my senses had escaped and were dancing across my arms. Christophe and Travis could read the nervousness on my face and they exchanged a look before squishing me harder between the.  I was grateful for the comfort and even more excited by the touching. It took less than five minutes to arrive at Christophe’s hotel. I grinned at the doorman and caught the greedy look in his eyes when Travis playfully grabbed my boob right in front of him. Christophe grabbed my ass and whispered his intent to fuck my “gorgeous smile” later, which just made me blush deeper.

While waiting for the elevator to arrive, this sweet little old lady came over. She asked what floor we were headed to and if we were having a good night despite this cold rain. Christophe, ever the gentleman, answered her politely, though I can’t for the life of me remember what he said. I only remember thinking that I was such a slut and this sweet old woman had no idea that the reason the three of us were hanging out on a cold, rainy, Monday night was not because we were simply in town on business, but because I was about to fuck them both. Hard. Or more likely that they were about to fuck me hard.

I smiled at the dirty thoughts of me naked between the two guys with me and hoped that Christophe’s hotel room wasn’t too close to this lady’s. Or maybe, if it was, it would be built well enough that I wouldn’t have to bother being too quiet. The plan for the night was to let go, not keep things in. The elevator dinged and the little old lady got off biding us a good night and telling us to stay warm. As soon as the doors were shut I found myself sandwiched between Christophe and Travis again, and I decided I could seriously get used to this.

“We’ll make sure you’re warm.” Travis said on my neck, his hot breath warming me and waking up the nerves there.

“We’ll make sure you sweat.” Christophe responded, nibbling my other earlobe. All I could think was OH MY GOD! YES! Talk about sensory overload. I molded myself between the two of them, trying to get more of them into the space of me, suddenly no longer nervous, suddenly ready to fuck! The elevator doors ding’d again and we practically ran the rest of the way down the hall to Christophe’s hotel. I remember the door opening, us rushing in, and the door shutting seconds before my top was being pulled off and my pants undone. I didn’t even have time to think about being nervous or shy, all I could think was straight lust and all I could do was sit back and enjoy it as it flowed over me. Words of “gorgeous” and “fuckable” and “beautiful” flowed out of them and bathed me in attention as I lost my clothing. It was like heaven. Hands pushing between my folds, pinching my nipples and mouths sucking on various parts of my skin, it was too much to fully take in but not enough, all in the same breath of time.

Somehow the three of us made it over to Christophe’s bed, but don’t ask me how, I was too turned on to notice all the non-sexual details. I know that before I even put my knee on the bed, I was already down to my bra and underwear and more than ready to begin. Christophe was behind me, urging me forward, Travis in front of me pulling me closer. One of them was kissing my neck, massaging my breasts, removing my bra and the other was focused on my mouth, my chin, my collar bone and my panties. Hands where everywhere. I kissed whomever’s lips I could grasp and grabbed whatever skin was within reach. We were three bodies, desperately trying to mesh into one. A decade and a half of pent up lust spilling forth and overflowing in motion.

Within minutes everyone was naked. I had a cock in my hand and one in my mouth. Positioned in the doggy style way, I sucked on one cock until it was hard and slick and then moved to suck on the other. Christophe positioned himself behind me and slammed into my already wet folds just as I closed my lips around Travis’ thick shaft. Travis also happened to be pierced, something that had escaped my attention until I felt the cold metal slipping over my tongue and down my throat. It was different, new and enticing, and definitely very Travis like. I’m surprised this bit of information hadn’t come up in conversation before. I played with the little ball around the hoop each time I pulled him out of my mouth before gulping him back up again and letting the piercing rub the back of my throat. I gagged a few times, but Travis just pulled back and waited for me to catch my breath before pushing back into my mouth and gagging me again.

Christophe reached around and thumbed my clit while slamming into me over and over again. I was already close but the clit attention pushed me over the edge.
“She’s cumming already!” Travis said to Christophe. I smiled as I came, or tried to, it was a little difficult since I was still sucking Travis off. Then Travis had me almost sit up straight so that I was practically in Christophe’s lap and I leaned way back into Christophe. Christophe pulled back, pulled out and re-inserted into my ass. This is something I wasn’t actually prepared to really want or enjoy seeing as to how anal has always been “kind of an option but never really developed” with me. The sensation of being that full, of so many new things going on at once, of being seconds away from getting double penetrated, it was just enough of each thing to make me almost cum again… and then Travis entered my pussy… oh my god!

Full to the brink, feeling like I was going to split open, there was no stopping the orgasm that took over my body. I shivered, I shook, I grabbed on to both of them, they moved closer and started moving in sync and the world outside was lost to the senses and lust inside. I came hard and loudly. I bit Travis on the shoulder lightly, which earned me a bite on the neck. Not to be left out, Christophe leaned in and bit on my collar bone on the other side. We moved, we fucked, we moaned. It was amazing. We changed positions a little, Travis must have either lost his balance or he just decided it was time to lay down, but we stayed together through the transition. Christophe took over behind me, on top of us, and moved faster. He managed to pull me up enough to allow Travis space to move beneath me and give Travis room to bite down on my nipples. I came a fourth time, or was it the fifth? I’d already lost count but didn’t care enough to try and recount. All I wanted was more.

We changed positions (and condoms, I’m not an ass to mouth kind of girl, ew no thanks) and Travis was behind me, but he chose to stick to my pussy and Christophe was in front of me telling me to suck him off. He fondled my boobs while I sucked. Someone pulled on my hair, though I’m not sure which one it was, and yet another hand was over my clit again, rubbing, pulling lightly and playing with my little button. I think it was Christophe though because there was yet another hand over my butt-hole, thumbing my ass and making it pucker. Hands massaged my shoulders, rubbed my thighs, moved over the space from my neck to the tops of my breasts and back. Skin touched skin everywhere so that it felt as though no part of me was untouched, unnoticed or left out.

At one point I laid flat on my back, Travis going down on me, doing wicked things to my pussy, sucking, licking, finger banging… it was all wonderful. Christophe sat over me, shoving his hard cock in my mouth, pulling on my hair and telling me what a good little slut I was being.

Neither guy is really into BDSM so there wasn’t much more than light spanking and moderate pinching/biting/sucking going on, but it was novel enough to drive my senses wild without the sadomasochistic side of me begging for some attention.

It was fun to bite, suck, nibble and massage so many parts all at once. We stopped a few times and changed out condoms, changed out positions, made sure no one was cramping or in need of water. Took a little break when both of them needed time to recover (though I wouldn’t exactly call getting eaten out by one and having my breasts sucked on by the other as a break… that’s the word they used for it.). There were a few awkward “oh my god I have to go pee!” moments, but for six hours of nothing but raw sex with three people involved, it was quite the night.

I’ve never been so adored, so loved, so fucked, so full…. so many amazing things all at once before. I felt like a goddess being fought over, no more like being SHARED by two amazing gods. It was surreal (I know I keep saying that, but even three days later and I find myself still speechless, still sore and still amazed at just how much fun we all had that night!).

It was, without a doubt, one of the most fantastic nights of my life. The hotel had a spa downstairs which was nice because the next day I was more sore than any other workout regime had ever made me. Angelina Jolie wasn’t joking when she said that sex was the best kind of workout (back when she locked herself in a hotel room with Billy Bob Thorton in an effort to get ready for her upcoming Laura Croft role).

I joked with Travis that I should leave a $20 on the dresser and a note of thanks, but time to get back to reality when he and I found ourselves awake before Christophe the next morning. It was surreal, and I was pleasured in so many ways I’m still randomly remembering them. I sighed deeply and seriously considered asking them to stay another night, but duty, family and reality were calling and we all had to answer the calls. Travis and I made small talk and whispered as we fumbled around the hotel suite’s idea of a kitchen. I finally gave up and ordered room service (why bother making crappy coffee when I can just order it to the room?). Christophe woke up (finally) and mentioned morning breath which had all three of us scrambling for the bathroom and me calling back down to the front desk for extra toothbrushes and some toothpaste. We laughed, we talked, we shared, we groped a little, we had one last “quicky” before we finally dressed and went our separate ways. Travis was flying back to North Carolina Tuesday afternoon and had to head over to the airport. Christophe would be stuck in meetings for a few hours before flying home later that evening. And I have my own life to get back to. We made promises to do this again the next time either of them are in town here or I happen to fly out there. It ended as well as it began: with friendship and satisfaction and excitement for what comes next.

I went home, crawled into bed with Master and sighed happily before telling him just how awesome the night was. He fucked me before letting me fall asleep and whispered in my ear that he was glad I had fun, but equally glad I was home. I meant to say something uber romantic like “It was fun because you’re my rock and I know I can always come back to you and share my experiences with you. I love you.” but I think I drifted off to sleep before I got the words out.

Maybe next time Christophe and Travis come to San Francisco we can make a full weekend of fun…. hell maybe next time one of them will bring their kinky girlfriend and we can make the menage a troi into a full blown orgy of friends. One thing is certain, our friendship is more intimate than it ever was before! And bonus, both of them now believe me when I say I’m insatiable and neither of them had an issue with making sure I stayed satisfied. It was a lot of fun.

 

–Autumn

The Open Relationship and How We Make it Work For Us

After my last rule update, people suddenly realized I was in an open relationship. I thought I had addressed this a few times in previous blog posts, but I’m certain I didn’t go into too much detail. Now that people are more aware though, they’ve started asking questions, though shyly and usually anonymously.

I asked the Facebook community (via my page) to ask me questions about the open part of my relationship with Master. They responded with vigor! This means that you are in for a fairly long blog post, but hopefully an enlightening one. If, after reading this, anyone has more questions, please feel free to ask in the comments below.

1. What does it mean to be in an open relationship?

An open relationship simply means that while I am married and long-term committed to Master, he and I also date on the side. The cheap (and unfair) way of explaining it is “Permission to cheat” but to us it is so much more than that. It’s not cheating though. Cheating requires deception and lying, neither of which are welcome in our relationship. In fact, we push honesty pretty hard around here. (Even with the kiddos the rule of thumb is, if you’re going to lie to us, at least make it a believable lie. Don’t insult our intelligence by claiming X when it’s easy to prove otherwise…. but I digress….)

One of the key rules that we have for our open relationship is All questions will be answered honestly, even if time is needed to formulate a response. It’s fairly self explanatory but I’ll go into a little more detail anyway. If I ask “Is she better than me in bed?” I better be mentally and emotionally prepared for the honest answer. It’s not fair of me to ask a question that will get me emotionally charged (like is she tastier than me “down there”) or to ask something that I can’t change “Do you prefer her style of sex over mine?” Nor is it fair for him to ask me those questions and then get mad at my answers. If he asks “Is he bigger than me?” and I say “Yes.” he can’t (and doesn’t) get mad at me for being honest.

In reality the answers to those questions are usually more complicated than the question itself. “She’s different than you are in bed, but that’s what I like about it. I like the variety the two of you have and it intrigues me enough to enjoy both of you, and enjoy the differences as well.” or “Yes, he’s bigger than you are, but I like that I can take ALL of your cock in, where as with him, I can only fit the first 7 inches. I like his size but I like yours too.”

2. Even though you and your Master have discussed this, and are both on board with it, do you ever feel guilty for having sex with others?

No. We’re both on board. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

3. Are there other women or men that practice your version of an Open Relationship?

I don’t know. I think that much like BDSM (and for that matter ALL relationships) the makeup is just as different as the people involved. What works for us will most definitely not work for everyone. Yes, there are other people who practice an open relationship, but again, probably not exactly like ours.

4. Do the people you play with outside of your marriage know that you’re in an open relationship?

YES. That’s another rule for us: Before any kind of playing, sexual activity, or even discussing sexual activity can happen, the person involved must understand that I (or Master) am married, committed and not looking for a replacement to what we already have. On top of that, they must also either be in an open relationship or unattached. I will not be a part of someone else’s cheating. Nor will Master. I will not help someone else lie to their partner or pretend that nothing is going on. I prefer to keep my life as honest as possible, and I do not enjoy keeping secrets that could destroy someone else. That’s a HUGE responsibility and unfair of whomever to ask me to participate in. (I will list the rules we have for our open relationship below, after answering all questions received so far.)

5. Is it like being in an polygamist relationship?

No. And let me try and define the different types of poly relationships to help people better understand what it means. Master and I are not a “poly family”. We’re not monogamous, but we’re not dating each others partners either, which is why using the term “polygamous” doesn’t fit well or sit well with us. It’s also why we say we’re in an “open relationship” and why I felt the need to help clarify what exactly this means to us.

Polygamy means that there is one male and multiple females, usually that live together in one house (the term “Sister wives” comes to mind). The women, however, only have sex with that guy, and are loyal only to him.
Polyandry — The opposite of polygamy — where a woman has multiple male partners, but each male involved only sleeps with that one woman and they are loyal to her (where she is not singularly loyal to one man.) (Like the photo above, which I only picked because it made me laugh and kind of fit the topic here).
Polyamory — This is closer to an open relationship, but different from what Master and I practice. In a Polyamory relationship you have multiple people involved who live together, sleep together and are in the relationship long term. However the difference is that everyone involved loves or deeply cares for everyone else involved.

We are married to each other, but dating others individually. Master and I are not in, nor are we looking for a long term relationship with any of our extra-marital partners. We may date someone for a while, but we are definitely not looking to live with that person (or people) nor are we looking to commit to them in the same fashion that he and I are committed to each other. (Confused yet? Lol. It took us a while to work out the details and understand the definitions for each type of “poly” that’s out there and then even longer to decide what we want to incorporate into our relationship right now.)

This does not mean that we will NEVER be polygamous either though. There might be a time (later down the road, long after the kids are out of the house!!) While we are not looking for that kind of relationship, I am not naive enough to think it could never, ever happen or to even make that kind of claim. Relationships change as time goes by, they grow, they shrink, they adapt, the begin, they end, etc. It would not be wise of me to say that this is completely off the table, so I simply repeat: we are not looking for this kind of relationship at this time.

6. How did you get to the resolution that the best thing for you and your Master was to be in a open relationship? 

Common sense, mostly. Neither of us are monogamous, neither of us even wanted to get married to begin with. We were perfectly content to just date exclusively for a while. In fact, when we decided to get married, it was with a more business mindset to the entire ordeal than it was with intentions to be committed to only one person for the rest of our lives. It sounds very unromantic, but business and romance don’t usually mingle well. We got married for financial reasons. Master makes the money, his company pays the benefits and due to the fact that we weren’t at the time married, they would not cover the cost of health insurance for myself or my children. We fixed that by getting married. We DO love each other, we are committed to each other, we would like to think this is for life, but we aren’t willing to give up or rule out sex with others either.

Master and I believe that no one can be someone else’s everything. You can not be _everything_ to someone else, if you think you are, you’re lying to yourself and to them. If you could be, there wouldn’t be a need for friendship outside of the marriage, or any other form of relationship for that matter. Hell you wouldn’t need to even be a part of society because everything you could ever need or want is in the other person. This is simply not how life works. There are things that I want, desire, or look for in others that Master simply doesn’t have, doesn’t enjoy or doesn’t want to do. For example: I am extremely social. I enjoy going out, clubbing, dining out, etc. Master hates these activities and they are huge ordeals for him mentally and emotionally. I can’t stand staying home night after night, day after day, he freaking loves it. I look for equally social partners so that I don’t have to go out alone. (Though sometimes I find others who are similar to Master, it kind of cracks me up. They still have differences, but not the ones I thought I was seeking in the first place.)

7. Do you get jealous if there are other women and if so, how do you deal with it?

Absolutely, but not to the same degree that I used to. When we first started being open, I found that I was not emotionally secure enough to be a part of it. I was crazy jealous and worried that Master would find someone better for me, someone he partnered with in more obvious ways and I worried that he would leave me for that person. I discussed all of this with him, freaked out over it and we even fought about it a few times. Eventually Master said “Let’s just close the relationship back up and only be committed to each other again.”

I learned that the causes of my jealousy and started to address them on my own. I learned that I was jealous of the skinny girls Master was attracted to. I felt that he must prefer skinnier women and would leave me for someone who has a better workout habit than I do, less stretchmarks, perkier boobs, bigger boobs, etc. These are things that I could technically fix, but not easily and certainly not quickly. I ignored the fact that Master puts honor and honesty above all else and just listened to my fears, always a bad idea by the way.

I worked through my issues, did a lot more research on open relationships and asked Master questions about everything. I asked him what it was he would look for, what he thought I would look for, what attracted him to me in the first place, what things I didn’t have that he found attractive in others, and most importantly, I asked that we lay down more ground rules for participating in extra-marital activities.

We talked through everything. We wrote down rules that we thought should be “set in stone” so to speak. I started working out more (mostly so I felt better about myself, which is always the case when I’m more active.) Eventually, after about two months of being back in a closed relationship with Master, I realized that “closed” isn’t what I wanted. I was the one who originally brought up the idea of an open marriage, I was the one who then asked to close it and I wanted to be the one to open it up again. Which leads to the next question I was asked by my fans:

8. What if he leaves you for someone else though? Finds someone he thinks would be a better match for him? Or you someone else?

This goes back to the honor thing I mentioned above in number six, and ties in with another of our rules: We are looking for something that compliments our relationship, not something that would compete against it. 

Master and I respect each other so deeply that we would not even consider dating someone else that might damage what he and I have together. We aren’t looking to leave the other person. We are not seeking an upgrade to what we already have, we’re looking to fill the gaps that the other person simply cannot fill. No one can be EVERYTHING to someone else. It’s impossible. We both recognize this. I think the real question is being asked here is “What if he falls in love with someone else?” I don’t believe you can only love one person for the rest of your life. I also don’t believe that if you love more than one person, you will always love one of them more than the other. After all, I have two children, I love them both equally.

If Master or I falls in love with someone else, it does not mean an end to our marriage. It simply means more opportunity to grow, to expand the love that we have for each other. One love does not cancel out another, and people are capable of loving more than just one other person. I actually expect emotions to develop as we date others, it’s common sense. And that’s part of why communication and total honesty are important between Master and I as we venture out. If at any point either of us feels threatened by someone the other is dating, then we talk about it. We discuss why we feel uncomfortable and how we need to proceed. If this means that we end the relationship with the other person involved, then so be it. The last resort would be ending our marriage and that could only happen if we willfully decide to stop being honest and start lying either to ourselves or to each other. I don’t plan to fall in love with anyone else, but then I didn’t plan to fall in love with Master in the first place. The difference here is that if I fell in love with someone else, it would already be under the condition that I’m not leaving Master. The person I fell in love with would already understand and have agreed to those terms. If they started pushing me to leave Master, then I would have to end the relationship with them, not with Master. My heart is not trusted with the major decision, my logic is and that’s why talking everything out with Master is such a big deal. I can’t hide my feelings from him or I am deceiving him and deceiving myself and that’s a good way to ensure I won’t end up happy. No matter what I’ve decided.

9. What do you say to your kids?

Nothing. Our sex life is not their concern. Nor do we parade different partners around them like some kind of freak circus. If I am going out, I simply say I’m going out with friends. We do not drag our children into the sexual portions of our life in any form. As they grow up, if they somehow discover this aspect of our lives and ask questions, then we will answer their questions with honesty and caution. They do not need to know everything about their parents.

10. What if you end up pregnant again? Or if Master gets someone else pregnant?

Not possible. First of all my tubes are tied and he’s “fixed” and secondly condoms are our best friends. Pregnancies will not happen. If however they do (which is a HUGE if) then I’m pro-choice and not interested in having any more babies. Period. And if someone else claimed that Master got her pregnant, a DNA test would most likely prove otherwise. We get checked yearly to ensure that we are clean, that everything that’s been tied and fixed is still tied and fixed. Neither of us wants more children, we’re happy with the two we have.

11. What are the rules regarding cleanliness? How do you ensure that you aren’t getting or passing on STDs?

We’re both clean. As I said above, we go in for yearly checkups. I even go in after being sexually active with someone else for the first time (so does Master). If we became more active with multiple partners (more so than we are now anyway) then we would get checked even more regularly.

We demand proof that the other person is clean as well. Recent proof. If they can’t provide proof, then we don’t have sex with them. Period. I’m not interested in catching anything. Neither is Master.

On top of that, we aren’t promiscuous. We don’t go around having sex with complete strangers, or random people we don’t really know. This is very similar to a dating process, we don’t put out on the first night and we aren’t stupid about sex either. I may flirt with everyone I meet, but I certainly don’t sleep with them. Neither does Master. In fact, we’re both extremely picky about who we sleep with. I’ve been on a few dates with people before and wound up saying “They’re fun to hang out with, but I can’t honestly see it ever going further than that.” And it doesn’t. It’s very rare for me to even find someone I’d actually go to bed with.

12. How do you find people that you’re attracted to enough to sleep with? Is it hard to find someone willing to look past your marriage and be okay with sleeping with you even though you’re married?

Let me respond with questions of my own. How do you find anyone you’re attracted to? It’s not like I say “I’m going to a club tonight and I’m going to get laid, no matter what!” I just do my normal thing. We don’t go out of our way to find sexual partners. We don’t have to either. We meet many people through various activities, events (like BDSM related events — we don’t throw orgy parties or anything crazy like that — yes someone asked me that). We’re also extremely open about being open. If someone else isn’t comfortable with my open marriage, then I wouldn’t be comfortable enough to sleep with that person.

The nice thing about being on the west coast is that people out here are open minded. They aren’t stuck in these traditionalist ways that revolt at anything different from what they consider to be moral or normal or worth pursuing. If I find someone I’m attracted to and flirting with them, I usually mention up front that I’m married and in an open relationship. My wedding bands give it away as well, lol. I would NEVER sleep with someone that I haven’t spent enough time with to mention that I’m married. That’s a little ridiculous. I get plenty of good sex at home, and I am not desperate enough to lie, or omit who I am or what kind of relationship I’m in just to get laid by someone else.

13. Do you need Master’s permission before you sleep with someone else? Before you allow them to Dominate you in the bedroom?

Not really, no. We have a rule that says Before sexual activity happens with someone else, we discuss the possibility of it happening with our married partner. Which basically means that even before I talk to the guy or girl I’m interested in fucking, I am talking to Master about fucking them. He does the same with me (though he’s straight so he’s only fucking other women). We also let our potential partners know that they may be asked to meet with our married partner first. This does two things: it gives us a chance to catch red flags — if someone is uncomfortable meeting Master or I, than it probably isn’t a good idea to date them — and it gives us a chance to get to know what type of person we’re each attracted to. How we choose to do this and where we choose to meet will always be different. It may be out at lunch, it might be going to the movies, it just depends on everyone else involved and their own schedules. Hell it might be via Skype if the other person is too far away or out of town. (For example, business trips, conventions, going back east to visit family and running into an old buddy, etc.)

The rules to our open relationship:

  1. Every person involved, (both Master and I and anyone else we would like to sleep with) MUST provide proof that they are clean. It must also be recent proof, if there is a question about how long it has been since the last STD test was taken, possible partners will be asked to take another test.
  2. ALL play partners must be approved by Master and I. There are times where I am at a club and cannot get in touch with Master first or he is out of town either on business or with friends and the opportunity presents itself. At these times we refer back to rule number one. No proof of cleanliness, no action. And let me point out that after being in an open relationship with Master for the last three years, NEITHER of us has EVER chosen to have a one night stand. We simply aren’t interested in the idea or the risks involved.
  3. If at ANY TIME either Master or I no longer feel comfortable enough to be in an open relationship. we are to step back, close the relationship back up and discuss what is going on. This may take days, this may take years, however long it takes. The relationship between Master and I must, and I repeat must come first. I am dedicated, devoted, committed and submissive to HIM above all others. He is dedicated, devoted, committed and Dominant to me first. This means that if Person C asks either Master or I to do something we KNOW would make Master or I uncomfortable, then we simply do not comply with Person C.
  4. Playing with someone else though (flirting, oral sex, being dominated by, dominating, etc) may happen, but again, only if they can oblige us by proving they are CLEAN.
  5. I am permitted to play with male or female, Dom/me or sub, but I am to keep my wits about me and not give in to hormones without thinking things through. Master is permitted to play with anyone he wants as well, as long as they are comfortable with the knowledge that we are married to each other and understand that we are not looking to replace what we already have. (This is why we call it “extra-marital dating”. It takes a while for someone else to understand our dynamic sometimes, and before either of us sleeps with someone else, we want to make sure everyone understands the basics and is comfortable with the rules we’ve set forth. It takes time.
  6. All questions will be answered honestly, even if time is needed to formulate a response.
  7. Before sexual activity happens with someone else, we discuss the possibility of it happening with our married partner.
  8. We are looking for something that compliments our relationship, not something that would compete against it. Added to this, the other person Master or I would like to sleep with must also be aware of our open marriage. They must also either be in an open relationship, not dating others exclusively or be single. We are not looking to be torn apart, nor are we looking to tear anyone else’s relationship apart.
  9. When looking for play partners we are looking for someone to compliment not compete with the relationship that Master and I have.

One thing to keep in mind through all of this is that we aren’t trolling the town looking for fuck buddies. We aren’t opposed to meeting anyone randomly, but we aren’t going out of our way to seek those connections either. If we find someone we’re attracted to in a sexual sense, we may exchange contact information, but again, nothing happens for quite some time. I like to get to know the person I want to fuck long before I fuck them. The ONLY exception to this is the BDSM club I frequent, and even then, I’m not going to fuck you the day I meet you. Hell I probably won’t fuck you the next time I meet you either. I’m attracted to a person for who they are, not just because they look yummy in tight jeans or a “Dom outfit” (whatever that may be). We are old enough to understand that there are consequences (and rewards) to every action, every interaction and every opportunity. We understand that this, our marriage, open or closed, is complex. We have high standards for our friends, and even higher standards for anyone that may potentially be more.

Feel free to ask more questions, I’m sure this blog post will answer some but bring up more.

–Autumn

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