In my “About Me” section, June Clemons asked a pretty great question:
“Forgive me but isnt comparing this type of lifestyle to a fictional movie or book a little bit insulting????? I mean the people who live this life are not rich, don’t own planes or have an extravagant play room in their house like the characters in movies and books. Help me underdstand!!!!!!” –June Clemmons
I think it’s a great question, because I’m certain many readers have the same problem when I say “Healthy BDSM is a fantasy. What you see in movies or read about in books is NOT the same thing as real life, healthy BDSM.” In fact, I still get many emails that complain about how wrong I am in that statement, but I stand by my words.
Art imitates life, not the other way around. What you read about in books and see in the movies is a glorified, exaggerated and romanticized vision of some author somewhere who wanted to capture aspects of real life and then play off of them in their imagination through books and movies.
Sometimes, movies are imitating books. I’m sure you’ve seen a movie or two where it says “Based on the book _____”. When that happens, the fictional story from the book becomes even more exaggerated and fantasized, sometimes toned down for certain audiences and then cut up to fit the time limit allotted for a full length film or shorter film.
Being inspired by books and movies to make changes in your life is an amazing thing. It is a form of entertainment for a reason. People who attempt to copy what they see in movies or read about in books (and even blogs) should be aware that what worked on screen or on the pages of a book may not work out as easily in real life. None of us can fly like Superman, but we can all relate to the desire of a freedom to go anywhere, anytime without the need for a plane, a car, or what have you. We can all understand the wishful thinking of super-human strength. And we can empathize with the symbolism of kryptonite and its ability to destroy even the most Superior man of all men (Superman). But we know we can’t and shouldn’t just run to the nearest cliff or rooftop and jump and hope that we’ll actually fly around. We understand that it is pretend; it is fantasy; it is a dream based on the desires of real people.
Healthy BDSM and even healthy polyamory is the same way. It isn’t as easy or care-free as books and movies like to make it. And there are many risks involved in practicing healthy BDSM and healthy polyamory.
This blog is based off of my life. I choose what I will or won’t write about. I do try very hard to keep it authentic. This means that 99.9% of my blog is truth, but I fib a little here and there. For example, I do not give my readers the real names of my children. You don’t need to know that information. I choose to keep that private, but for the sake of understanding which child I am referring to, I use fake names for them: Bella and Star.
Another example of where I stretch the truth a little here or there: Sometimes, I say horrible, horrible things to Master Jason and he says equally horrible things to me. So far, after every fight we’ve ever had, we’ve obviously worked things out. But I don’t feel the need to go into exact detail on this blog about who said what. I don’t feel compelled to talk about every single fight we have, or every single steamy love-making, BDSM scene we do. Sometimes, I don’t even blog about something until months and months and months after it has happened. But that’s okay because this is my blog and it is based off of my life. I do not have to give my readers all of the dirty details. I get to choose what I will or won’t write about and what I will or won’t publish here.
This blog is my art that imitates my life.
I help instruct and profess what I have learned (throughout the years of playing around with, reading about and applying healthy BDSM tactics that have or haven’t worked for me) to each of my readers; but it should be noted that when trying to incorporate what I do and what I talk about on here, it may not work for you in your life.
To answer June’s question, no, it is not insulting to compare this lifestyle that I and many others are living to the BDSM/polyamory that is reflected in books and movies. It is important to understand the difference between real life and fantasy.
BDSM is a fantasy that we choose to incorporate into our lives.
No one who practices healthy BDSM should believe that they are REALLY a slave to someone else. They should understand that it is a CHOICE they are making, a ROLE they choose to wear. No one who practices healthy BDSM should feel that they MUST control the lives of others (by being a Master/Dom/Top/etc.). They should understand that WHEN they choose to wear that title, it is ONLY because the other person(s) involved have consented to following their orders and not because they are just that fucking awesome that everyone wants to be dictated by their every word.
If you find that you are insulted when I mention these things, then maybe it’s time to do a little more self reflection and try to figure out exactly what it is that offends you and why it offends you. If you are honest with yourself, then you have to admit that you choose this lifestyle. You choose how often you are in whatever role you identify with. You can, at any point, walk away from any of it, IF YOU WANTED TO. And if you can’t, then you aren’t practicing healthy BDSM/polyamory. You’re either being abused, or you’re being abusive and it is time to seek professional help.