The Honorable Thing To Do

Wedding Contract

I was all prepared to write a vent blog post. I even had a title picked out “Don’t Interrupt Me When I’m Gaming…” a blog dedicated to how many ways Master has made me feel inadequate and worthless this past week. A blog based on sleep exhaustion, over sensitivity and something that I am to blame for (at least 50% of the blame is on my own shoulders.)

I even did a web search about how “alone and worthless” I’ve felt in the past few weeks as a stay at home wife and mother. I read random blogs, quotes, articles about how many women feel like they aren’t respected and loved and how their husbands make them feel worthless. Most of these stories centered around women with young children who were pregnant and willing to admit they were also hormonal.

I even dragged out my favorite “show me more love” song by Kenny Rogers (Buy me a rose). I sat in my bed, crying about how worthless I feel and listening to the song on repeat… and as I sat there feeling sorry for myself, I noticed the state of the bedroom. I noticed the dirty clothes on the floor. I remembered how I had to jump out of bed this morning, throw on a robe and go find Master a fresh, clean towel. I remembered that he asked me three days ago to make sure he had clean socks (and I remember tasking my daughter to do the laundry because I didn’t feel like doing anything extra for Master.)

I forced myself to think of the song from his point of view. The lyrics start out with “He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants…” and continues with a short list of all the things he’s bought her, provided for her, done for her. And yet, all the woman in the song wants is more time with him. A call from him while he’s at work, flowers for the hell of it and not because he’s wronged her somehow, and for him to open doors for her. It’s a good song, but the message I found myself hearing this time was not “Buy me a rose because I need to be reminded that you love me”. The message I heard today (again while trying to feel sorry for myself and wallow in my misery) was “Look at all the things Master does for you. He is trying to show you he loves you, even if it’s not in the way you want him to.”

I started looking for a parody version of the song, or the male equivalent for it where the man puts it back on the woman. (Maybe something like “Make me a sandwich” lol). But there wasn’t one (at least not one that I found in the short three minutes I dedicated to looking for a parody). I changed search topics and started looking for “Ways to show my husband I respect him”.

That’s when I came across this blog post titled Your Husband Doesn’t Have to Earn Your Respect. Talk about an eye opener. Two things Matt says in this post almost jumped off the page at me:

“You don’t marry someone to give them what they deserve. In marriage, you give them what you’ve promised them, even when they aren’t holding up their end of the bargain.” (Emphasis added)

“If a wife parcels out her respect on some sort of reward system basis, the husband has nothing to strive for. As her respect for him diminishes, so too does his motivation to behave respectably. If respect is wielded like a ransom against him, he will grow more isolated and distant.” (Emphasis again added by me)

Matt makes an excellent point. Here I am, wallowing in tears and (at this point) self-hate, pointing out my own flaws and trying to blame Master for them (not doing laundry, passing off simple chores I can do to children when I know the girls won’t do them properly or efficiently, waiting for Master to come in and ask what’s wrong so I can berate him about how crappy of a job he’s doing in showing me he loves me, etc. and yet I can’t ignore the small voice in my head saying “And what have you done lately to show him how much you respect him? How appreciative you are for the 100+ hours he puts into his job to make sure ends meet? When is the last time I went out of my way for him even when I thought he didn’t deserve it?

Oh don’t get me wrong, I’ve gone out of my way for him… but usually it’s because I want something in return, and I want it instantly. I will happily make Master a cup of espresso…. if he gives me a back massage first. I’ll offer to do something nice for him… if he does something nice for me first. I wasn’t giving him what I promised him simply because I made a promise. I was trading favors with him. “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine, but only if you scratch mine first.”

I bitch at him because I don’t feel appreciated. I make him feel like crap for stupid little things I think he did wrong, or said incorrectly. I am 100% guilty of twisting his words (even compliments) and making them seem like he was insulting me, hurting me, or trying to make me feel small. When I really get going, I can easily ignore all the things he does for me, for our children, for this house and I have hawk-like eyesight when it comes to anything that he does that might possibly be bad.

The beginning of Matt’s blog goes like this:

“I can’t tell you where I was or who was there or when it happened. I don’t want to add to this guy’s humiliation, so I am keeping this vague and generic. I can simply tell you that, some time ago, I found myself in the same vicinity as another married couple.

I certainly can’t read their minds, and I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes, all I know is that the husband couldn’t seem to utter a single phrase that wouldn’t provoke exaggerated eye-rolling from his wife.

She disagreed with everything he said.

She contradicted nearly every statement.

She even nagged him.

She brought up a “funny” story that made him out to be incompetent and foolish. He laughed, but he was embarrassed.

She was gutting him right in front of us. Emasculating him. Neutering him. Damaging him.
It was excruciating.

It was tragic.”

And here I am, doing exactly that to my husband.

I found myself crying again, but this time it wasn’t in self-pity, it was in self-disgust. I like to think that I am better than some people, that I treat my husband, my Master better than “those vanilla wives” would ever treat their men. I like to think I am above certain attitudes and issues… but here I am, just as guilty as the woman in Matt’s post.

And what makes it worse (in my opinion anyway) is that I am not only his wife, I am his submissive. I want to think of myself as an example to other submissives, and hopefully a good one. I like to believe that I am the person other women look to for lessons on how to be a better submissive, a better wife, a better person. Maybe I’m fooling myself, maybe not, but I do not like being reminded that I am just as flawed as everyone else. I don’t like pointing the finger inward and realizing that I am making mistakes. What I hate even more is having to admit when I am wrong. (I don’t mind being wrong, but having to admit that I am wrong… that’s painful.)

How will I handle this reminder? By trying to remember that I make mistakes too, and that’s okay… but it’s really only okay if I work to correct those mistakes. It’s not enough to admit that I am in the wrong here. (And yes, Master has done some things and said some things that hurt my feelings too, but there’s two of us in this relationship and I cannot, should not, allow him to take all of the blame here.) If I am serious about changing, if I want to be this person I think I am to my fans, I absolutely must make a point to change my behavior, my actions and my words. Even if (and especially when) I don’t think Master deserves my respect, I want to give it to him. Not because he earned it, but because I promised it to him.

When I made my marriage vows, when I wrote up our D/s contract and submitted to him, I made promises. I wrote out rules that I promised I would live by. I write blog posts, fan pages and tweets about what an awesome submissive I am and how much I do for Master… but these are things I choose to do for myself as much as for him. And if I really look hard in the mirror, I can see the facade I’ve created and started to buy into.

I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I have made fun of Master in front of his friends at his expense. I have gone out of my way to say things I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that are intended to leave emotional scars. If Master is isolating himself from me by playing video games, if I feel that he is growing distant and uninterested, I can’t help but wonder how much of that is partly my fault.

I have a lot more emotional growing to do than I thought I would at this age. (31, in case you’re wondering)

So what’s my plan now? To end this blog post, go to Master, get on my knees and apologize and then to do some laundry.

I’m sure I will fail him again, I am equally sure he will fail me at times too, but maybe, just maybe, I can learn from this mistake and work to make sure I keep up my end of the bargain more often, even when he drops the ball. It’s the honorable thing to do.

–Autumn

The Good Submissive

waiting-for-master-1.jpg

For the sake of this blog post, and my sanity, I am using the term “submissive” here, but please understand that this can apply to all forms of the submissive: slaves, bottoms, switches, etc. On top of that, I will most likely refer to the submissive as female and the Dom as male more often than not. This is only because in my relationships where I am submissive, am the submissive (and I happen to be female) and the Doms I have submitted to happen to be male. This is NOT the only type of BDSM relationship out there and more than that, not all submissives are female and not all Dominants are male. It makes it easier on me as a writer, and usually on the readers, if I stick to one format instead of constantly changing it up. 

About two years ago I wrote a blog post titled “The Good Dom” that explains what I believe makes a good Dominant. I have been asked many times to write a partner piece titled “The Good Submissive” but I kept putting it off and putting it off and putting it off some more. I didn’t want to write a partner piece. It meant that I would have to closely examine my own submission and point out my own flaws. It means that I will most likely step on toes of other submissives (slaves, bottoms, etc) and either not cover enough items or mention things that others feel shouldn’t be counted, or…. well anything that could hurt someone else’s feelings.

It meant having to look at myself under a microscope and admit that when it comes to my lists of “shoulds” and “should nots” I may be lacking myself in some areas. No one enjoys that kind of thing, but at the same time, it is my job to be as authentic and realistic on here as I can be. I owe it to my readers to tell the good with the bad, to give my opinion even if it may not be welcomed… that’s kind of the point of the blog in general. At the time however, I feel that “The Good Dom” deserves a partner piece. Something that can help fellow submissives understand what (I believe) makes them good at submitting and what red flags to be aware of that (if we’re honest with ourselves) we all have done or do, or even think about doing.

When it comes to a healthy BDSM relationship there are key things that should be applied to everyone involved in the relationship: emotional stability, a willingness to communicate fully with your partner, a desire to work at the relationship, even if that relationship is almost purely sexual — it still requires at least a little bit of work, and if it doesn’t I’d love to know how you manage to keep a relationship without doing any work at all, ever, seriously, email me your secrets, please. Lol.

Before I begin though, let me state that these are my opinions. I hate that I have to put that here, it is a personal blog after all and EVERYTHING I write here is from my own point of view, but I get bitched at for wording things “in a factual kind of way” and “not making it clear” that these are my opinions, thoughts and reflections, not scientific fact.

What Makes A Good Submissive (slave, bottom, etc)? Master Jason said that all the things that make a Good Dom can also be applied to a Good Submissive. The main differences between a good girlfriend/boyfriend and a Good Dom/sub are in how we respond to conflict, handle who does what in the relationship and the attitude of respect that tends to go hand in hand with a healthy BDSM relationship. If you ask your girlfriend to make you a sandwich, she might tell you to jump off a bridge and make it yourself. If you ask a submissive to make a sandwich, you still might get a sassy remark, but she’ll make that sandwich anyway. Healthy is healthy. The main difference between a healthy relationship and a healthy BDSM relationship is simply kinky sex and defined roles. You know who wears the pants in your relationship, you don’t fight over it.

That being said, there are some things that submissive should have/do/be that differ from a regular, vanilla relationship (for the most part anyway).

A Good Submissive:

  1. Should be emotionally stable enough to actually participate in a relationship to begin with.
    • I’ve come across far too many people (Doms and subs) who really need to just take a break from seeking a love life and work on themselves first. You know the type I’m talking about. These women (and men) have just gotten over a bad breakup and are more interested in hooking their Prince Charming Dominant as soon as possible. They’re lonely and (sadly) a little desperate (no judging, I’ve been there, rock bottom is hell, even more so when you’re alone for it). But they don’t want to take time between relationships to examine who they are and why the last one didn’t work out. They don’t want to heal and move on, they just want to move on.
    • There are other cases where someone may not have the mental capacity to be involved in any relationship, let alone one that requires constant review, constant honesty (with their Dom/me as well as with themselves) and constant accountability. If a person can not be honest with themselves, they won’t be able to be honest with others and in BDSM honest communication is vital to the success of a scene and ultimately, the relationship as a whole.
  2. Should be willing to admit when they are wrong. 
    • Let’s face it, you’re not right all the time. No one enjoys being wrong, but there’s a difference in your mannerisms and behavior when you willingly admit that you’re wrong on something and when you feel trapped and/or forced to admit that you’ve messed up. The decision to willingly admit when you have been wrong tells the other person that you respect them enough to admit when they are right. It helps to grow the relationship as well as solidify the trust there. This goes a long, long, long way in a BDSM relationship, especially in the training phase of a D/s relationship. And since we’re being honest, you know how good it feels when someone says “Okay, you were right, I was wrong.” to you, why would you not want to return the favor and be just as willing to admit when you’re wrong?
  3. Have a strong desire to submit in the first place.
    • This doesn’t mean that you have to be a doormat. In fact, doormats need not apply. The Dominant that is looking for someone to always give in to what they want and never, ever question them or disagree with them is NOT a Good Dom and you don’t want to submit to him in the first place (unless heartache and frustration is your goal….)
    • It also doesn’t mean that you must submit to everyone who claims to be a Dom/me. It simply means that you have a desire to be submissive in the bedroom, and maybe (for some of us) outside of the bedroom, but only to a certain person (or select few) and how exactly you submit should be discussed (as equals) before you jump into anything.
  4. Does not manipulate the Dom/me or “Top from the bottom”
    • This one is a little harder to explain, especially to new submissives and especially since so many people tend to have a different view on what exactly “topping from the bottom” entails.
      In my personal opinion, topping from the bottom means more than just teasingly being sarcastic so you get a fun swat on the ass as you walk by, or saying something you know your Dom/me will chase you around the house for saying (in a fun, loving, adult form of tag.)
    • Topping from the bottom is manipulation. It is where a submissive purposefully goes out of his or her way to get a specific (and usually negative) reaction from the Dom/me. The most common practice is doing something that goes against your rules simply so that you get punished for it. (For me, this used to happen when I was feeling neglected and frustrated and just wanted Master to pay attention to me. Much like a toddler throwing a fit, I wanted attention no matter what I had to do to get it. Over time, I finally learned to just ASK for it. Even if what I want is a “pain session” — in my case, a spanking, flogging, whipping, etc. It became easier on Master Jason AND on me to just simply tell him how I was feeling and why than it ever was to for me to “act out” and expect results.)
  5. Is willing to ask for what they need/want
    • A Good Submissive will tell her Dom when she needs extra time with him. She will also understand if he can’t immediately comply. She is willing to be honest about why she’s being extra bratty (sometimes it takes us a little while to figure out what we’re lacking, sometimes the Dom may have figured it out first, but usually the submissive just needs to spend a few minutes reflecting and trying to figure out what’s going on in her own head before she can put it into words for her Dom.) One way to help combat this is journaling. Many of the Doms I have met have had their submissive keep a daily blog/journal/diary to help both of them be able to communicate better. I know that for me personally, I can write out how I’m feeling and why I’m frustrated easier than I can verbalize it.
    • Dominants are not mind readers. They can not possibly know every single want/desire/wish/need that you have. They can cover a wide range of them, but they’ll never know them all. Master once said that he likes picking out things for me from time to time because he likes knowing what I want. My immediate reaction was “How do you know what I want when I don’t even know what I want half the time?” He looked at me and said “Because you often tell me and I keep track of items you’ve said you want for when birthdays and holidays and random other times come up.” It was a bit of a shock to know that he both listens and keeps a record of my wants. As a result, I keep a “dreams and wishes” wishlist handy that Master can easily access (usually via Amazon.com but there are many other ways you can do this if interested). I admit, I forget what I’ve put on the wishlist more often than not, but the point isn’t that I remember, the point is that I’ve mentioned it to begin with. Asking for what I want is always better than assuming he will know what I want and magically provide it for me.
  6. Should not be looking for someone to rescue her from her life and fix everything for her.
    • This is real life. This is not fantasy. This is not Disney. If you take away all of your problems, all of your stress, and take money out of the equation, would you still be willing to submit to someone else? If your answer is no, then you are not ready for a BDSM relationship, nor are you ready to be submissive to someone else.
  7. A Good Submissive chooses to submit.
    • It’s really that simple. On top of everything else he or she is, she chooses to submit and trust me when I tell you that it is a daily (sometimes minute by minute) choice. How you act/react, what you say when you’re angry, and whether or not you follow the rules you’ve agreed to are all things you choose. No one forces you to do anything (though sometimes it might feel like it, ultimately you know that the choice is yours to make).
    • If you constantly feel as though you’re being forced to do crap you don’t want to do, then maybe it’s time to end that relationship or at the very least, re-negotiate the rules. As with any relationship, there should be some give and some take. Even in BDSM no one person does all of the giving, and no one person does all of the taking. That’s yet another reason why it’s important to take time to negotiate what BDSM means to each person involved in your relationship and figure out what you’re both willing and unwilling to do (or have done to you). 

Use common sense when trying to apply any of these things to your own relationships. Sometimes what I’ve written will work for you, other times it won’t. Your relationship will be as unique as the people involved in it. There isn’t some cookie cutter, one size fits all brand of BDSM out there. Sure, there are similarities, but what defines us are our differences and we should rejoice in the fact that there are so many different ways to approach and explore BDSM.

–Autumn

The University of BDSM

University-of-BDSM-blackboard

In some BDSM relationships where there is not a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE) there is a symbolic gesture that signifies when the roles of both Dom and sub are in play. Much like actors on a stage getting into character by putting on clothing specific for that role, putting a collar on a submissive helps both the Dominant and the submissive know when they are in the D/s roles, just as taking the collar off signifies the end of the role playing.

I am Master Jason’s submissive all day, every day. I know this, I accept this, I even asked for this. Even when I am in a scene with someone else, another Dominant, I am still owned by Master Jason. To help me remember who owns me at all times I keep something of Master Jason’s on my person. Sometimes this is as simple as wearing my wedding bands (which I rarely take off) or as complex as wearing his collar. It just depends on the situation, the scene and what other clothes I may or may not be wearing.

This past weekend I had the chance to play with another Dominant (the details of that will be told in another blog post). I am not in a TPE with this Dominant though and we had things to discuss before we stepping into the roles of Top and bottom. In fact, the difference between M/s, D/s and T/b was something that we wanted to go over before we began any kind of power exchange.

Please understand that T/b (Top/bottom), D/s (Dominant/submissive) and M/s (Master/slave) can be and usually are interchanged depending on the couple, the relationship they have and what titles they are comfortable using with each other. I have met many wonderful submissives who consider themselves to be slaves but do not like to be called “slave”. Just as I have met many strong Dominants that I would consider to be “Masters” in BDSM but prefer the term “Dominant” simply because it doesn’t sound as pompous to them.

That being said, this may help others understand why there are so many different titles, and how Top may be different from Master, submissive different from bottom and so on and so forth. I don’t know where this example started, or who originally wrote it, but when it was repeated to me, I realized how much this example may help others understand some of the key differences in certain power play dynamics.

A Top, Dom, and Master are lounging by a pool. Swimming in the pool are a bottom, sub, and slave.

The Top says to the bottom, “Go get me a can of coke.” The bottom stops what she’s doing and looks at the Top, replying, “Where are your manners?” The Top says, “…please…” The bottom, satisfied, gets out of the pool and walks past the Top to get to the cooler, earning a smack on the ass as she passes, which she takes gratefully. She opens the cooler, removes two cans of soda, hands one to the Top and opens the other for herself, returning to the pool.

The Dom says to the sub, “Go get me a can of coke.” The sub immediately gets out of the pool, saying, “Yes, Sir.” and hurries to the cooler. She knows that by ‘coke’ he means any cola flavored beverage, so she selects a bottled cola, and closes the cooler. She feels that the cola is not quite cold enough for her Dom’s tastes, which she knows and anticipates well by now, so she goes inside to retrieve a glass and some ice and then pours the coke into the glass with the ice. Noting that it is near noon, she also makes a sandwich for her Dom and then comes out presenting them both for him, for his desires are paramount and she does what she can to anticipate and fulfill them.

The Master says to the slave, “Go get me a can of coke.” The slave immediately stops what she is doing, nods to her Master, and goes to the cooler. She searches the cooler and sees bottles of cola and cans of other beverages, but is unable to find any cans of Coke within. She spies one sitting nearby, outside of the cooler and then immediately and wordlessly returns with the can to her Master, kneeling and presenting it to him. She has no judgment on whether or not he intends to drink the coke, throw it into the pool for her to fetch, or shove it into one of her orifices, she only hears the instruction and obeys as closely as she is able.

 On my blog I have often referred to myself in past blog posts as a slave and my husband Jason as my Master. But using the example above I would have to say that my relationship with Master Jason is more of a mix between T/b and D/s than it is M/s.

I still interchange the words “slave” and “submissive” and of course “bottom” from time to time, but I don’t really feel like I could actually be his slave any longer. Mostly it comes down to this: if he tried to shove a can of coke near one of my orifices, I’d probably kick his ass (or at least put up a damn good fight.) And I know Master Jason well enough to know that if I were to bring him a warm can of whatever the hell he asked for, it would be considered a snarky and bratty move. When he asks me for a drink, he expects it a certain way. For example, if he said “Bring me some coffee” I would not go to the kitchen, grab a bag of coffee beans and bring it to him. I would know that by “coffee” he means a latte. And if I’m unsure of what exactly he means by this, I ask.

MOST of the couples you meet along your journey through BDSM will have picked and chosen what aspects to each role they like and put those to use. This is why we (as a community) say that every BDSM relationship is as different as the people involved in it. It can get very, very confusing (as my vanilla friend Tory likes to point out before asking questions about my relationship with Master Jason.) It gets even more confusing when people like me use the title “Master” to refer to their Dominant and then the title “bottom” and “submissive” to refer to themselves.

When I first started out in BDSM I did not fully understand how many roles, names for those roles and ways to present those roles there were. In fact, if you read through my archived blog posts, I’m sure you can find a few instances (or more) where I’ve made newbie mistakes in understanding certain aspects to BDSM. But that’s part of the point of this blog: it’s my journey into BDSM and if I wasn’t growing and learning… well it would be a very dull journey indeed. When you’re starting out, you don’t need to know all the different roles, names, etc. You just need to know the general concept, but as time passes you learn just how big the world of BDSM can be and how vastly different one D/s dynamic can be from another.

I explained it to my friend Tori this way:

Picture BDSM as a university. At the University of BDSM you can major in lots of things. There are many different classes and many different career choices that you can make. There are so many different subjects (kinds of kinks and fetishes) and majors (types of BDSM relationships, names for “families” — leather, poly, furry, etc) that it is new, exciting and extremely overwhelming at times. You feel as though you can study for years and years and years and still have only scratched the surface.

You have new students who are attending and have a slight idea of what exactly BDSM is, but most of the information they’re learning, they’re seeing for the first time ever. (Like freshmen at college, they change majors often because they didn’t realize just how much stuff there is to know about BDSM. They may have come to the school with the intent of being leaders in general and then realized that they would like to specialize in BDSM toy making, or latex, or anal play, etc…)

You have older students who have been attending the University of BDSM for a year or more and are still learning. No longer are they beginners, but they’re still considered to be novices. You have teachers who may specialize in certain areas, but would never pretend to know everything that the University of BDSM has to offer or can teach.

You also have research assistants, teaching assistants and Professors. The research assistants know quite a bit about a few particular subjects under the wide umbrella of BDSM, but haven’t really felt the need (or desire) to teach what they know to others. They enjoy researching, not teaching.

The teaching assistants are eager to help others learn, and understand a subject well enough to feel they can teach it, but they’ve never actually taught it before. They know more than the students who are hearing some of the information for the first time, but they have not yet taught a class on it. They assist the main teacher because it gives them a chance to learn how to teach the information they already know.

The teachers have been teaching for years. The information is not new to them, though they find they still learn things from their students, but for the most part they know what they’re talking about when it comes to their particular subject (or subjects) at the University of BDSM.

The Professors have been doing this for decades. Some of them are set in their ways and refuse to use some of the new terms, ways of doing things or concepts. They accept some of the new stuff, but prefer the old ways, and the rest of the new stuff they reject wholeheartedly. They are well respected by most of the school, but challenged from time to time by others. They consider themselves to be more knowledgeable than most, but find themselves challenged from time to time just the same. The best Professors are still willing to admit when they are wrong and the ones that should probably just retire from teaching claim to never be wrong.

When I look at where I am now, I would consider myself to be a “teacher’s assistant”. I’ve done the research, I understand the concept for most of the subject and I want to help others learn it too. I do not have a lot of experience under my belt yet, but I am working on that. I assist, I lecture, I teach, but I am still wide-eyed and bushy tailed when it comes to much of the BDSM world.

Master Jason would be a research assistant, believe it or not. He doesn’t have any real desire to teach the craft of BDSM, any of it, to anyone else. He enjoys learning about it, he loves to research it, but the actually giving a lecture or class on it is not something he would ever pursue. He will happily pass on his thoughts and things he’s learned from his research to me, he can even hold his own when discussing certain topics with friends, but he would get annoyed and possibly even a little bored with teaching it to a full class.

One of the things I look for when I am seeking other play partners is someone that is not as “new” at this as I am. I look for the Teachers and sometimes even enjoy challenging the Professors and picking their brains. I am still learning, but simultaneously teaching what I’ve learned thus far to most of you by blogging it out.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to play with someone who has been in the lifestyle a lot longer than I have, has done a lot more than I have and is experienced enough that I would consider him to be a “teacher”. (He’s still too young and not quite stubborn enough for me to consider him as a “Professor” though he may challenge me on that.)

These were the things Sir Christian and I discussed before I knelt before him and he put a collar around my neck to signified our play time as ‘Top and bottom’ had begun. (We decided that for the time being, and especially because we’re still getting to know each other, the Top/bottom dynamic fits where we are currently, best. I like it because it allows me to be fully me: sassy, pushy and yet submissive. He likes it because he isn’t pressured to give me a laundry list of rules that he can’t always enforce — since we’re only in a power exchange for the brief times we’re together — nor does he feel pressured to come up with that list of rules for a submissive he’s still learning about.) Later, when the collar came back off, I knew that we were once again equals and that I no longer needed to call him Sir, or obey his word. I could choose to, of course, but it was no longer required for me to do so.

To help keep the confusion down as I tell the story of what happened last weekend,  I will refer to each Dominant by their full titles instead of just “Master” and “Sir”. Master Jason and Sir Christian are their full titles. I am married to, collared by and fully owned by Master Jason. Anyone else I ever play with will have Master Jason’s permission to play with me first. All rules given to me by Master Jason trump any other rules another Dom can give me. For example: one of Master Jason’s rules is “no smoking”, therefore I could not nor would I obey an order to smoke from another Dom, and if they even tried to give me that order knowing it’s against my rules with Master Jason, the relationship between that Dom and I would instantly be over.

Silly side note: when I first started talking to Sir Christian I could not help but roll my eyes at his name. I giggled and said “I’m sorry. You have the unfortunate coincidence of sharing the same name as the wanna-be-pussy of a dom in 50 Shades of Crap” (my title for the 50 Shades series). He made a face, told me that he knew that and it was a constant frustration for him to have to now clarify that he is NOT the kind of idiot that Christian Grey is. Of course, from that point on I still chuckle and/or roll my eyes at any and all similarities between Christian Grey and Sir Christian.

I have been talking to Sir Christian for a while now (again, with Master Jason’s permission) and the three of us felt that enough information, emails and time had passed that we were comfortable with a meet-up. Originally it was just going to be a platonic “nice to actually meet you in person” meet… but it evolved quickly into a “let’s meet in person, see if the chemistry we have online applies to us offline as well, and then possibly have some kinky fun together” kind of meeting. I have exchanged hundreds of emails with him. We have discussed our limits (hard and soft) and the rules that Master Jason has given me. He has read much of my blog to help him better understand the dynamic between Master Jason and I. He had even reached out and emailed Master Jason personally so that they could discuss where the boundaries are when it comes to how my submission to Sir Christian would work. Sir Christian is quite the gentleman and extremely honorable, just as Master Jason is. Sir Christian would not ever ask me to do something that goes against something Master Jason has instructed me to do (or instructed me not to do).

The day of my first meeting with Sir Christian, I jokingly told Master Jason that it was a bit like sharing custody of me. “The Joint custody of the submissive Autumn” is how I phrased it. He gave me a wicked grin and said “You do realize that if you disobey one of us, both of us will know about it, do you not?” I froze for a moment and thought over that statement. He’s right… if I fail to do my chores and tasks with Master Jason and am therefore unable to go out and play with Sir Christian, I will most likely suffer consequences from both of them. “Oh damn, this is like being a child with two parents!” I teasingly complained. My only answer was another look from Master Jason. A very satisfied, extremely sadistic smile that worked its way slowly across his features and then reached his eyes as he said in a low and seductive voice “Exactly. I’m glad you understand what you’re getting yourself into.” Somehow that made it even more exciting for me and my bratty side thought of delicious ways I could push both their buttons and tease them equally. Like a child who knows better, I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I reached for a cookie I was told I can’t have. I chose not to say this, but I didn’t have to. Master Jason reads me as easily as code in a computer program. Little facial expressions and mannerisms hint at what’s going through my mind. Blushing I decided to drop the topic and let him get back to emailing Sir Christian about my evening with him and what was to be in store for “little autumn” that night. The sexual details of our first encounter deserve their own blog post, they were that fantastic and I want to make sure I give them the time they deserve when I write it out for you all to read. It isn’t something that should be crammed into the ending portion of this or any other blog post. It is a fantastic story that deserves an equally fantastic telling.

It was surreal because I almost felt like one of my own fans; new to this and seeking information. I laughed at myself, the author of a BDSM blog dedicated to helping others find their own path in BDSM, because of how nervous I was. I thought this kind of thing would be easy and thrilling and it was definitely thrilling but, it was hard for me too. In fact, it was hard in ways I didn’t really expect it to be. You see, even though I blog about my submission to Master Jason and even though he and I have definite rules set out for our relationship, they are not the same rules that I may have with someone else. My experience in BDSM with Master Jason is the ONLY experience I’ve had thus far. Anything he and I have done is everything that I have ever done. And here I was, in a hotel room, with someone far more advanced in the practice of BDSM than I was. Someone who was willing to show me more and teach me what he’s learned in his own adventures through BDSM. Someone who could actually help me remember what it was like when I first started this blog, nearly five years ago, and remind me of how much there is to learn at the University of BDSM.

I am certain that Sir Christian and I will play again in the very near future and I am grateful for the reminder of what it is like to be so new to something that everything is a little scary. I count myself among the fortunate for being able to learn so much from so many people. I am grateful to the authors, their books and blogs and even the events and instructional videos out there to help people understand BDSM, but to be able to remember what it was like when I was brand new at this… that’s a lesson that is easily forgotten and I am even more grateful to have the chance to re-learn. And I can only hope that I am able to help others learn as easily as I feel I’ve been taught.

–Autumn Lokerson

A day in the life of a submissive wife

Dom Rant

one Dom's views on life, love, and limerence

Yelling Quietly

brought to you by Robert Mudge

hotlilmess

embracing the journey of submission

captivatedpet

A submissive pet

Scarlet Dahlia

Growing pains of a sub in a modern D/s relationship.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 31,946 other followers

%d bloggers like this: