New Beginnings after ten months away…

This has very little to do with the following post, but I liked the bright colors and it's late at night so I picked it.

This has very little to do with the following post, but I liked the bright colors and it’s late at night so I picked it.

It has been 10 months since I last wrote a blog post… It’s been about three months since I’ve made any major effort on my Facebook page.

I am still alive.
I am still here.
I have been moderating comments and approving most of them. (Side note: this isn’t a dating site. Those “hey baby, how you doing? Where you from” comments will be trashed).

I am still writing, but most of my writing was school related and then summer came and I stopped writing for a while and spent time with the kids, the pets and Master Jason. Then we decided to move closer to San Francisco and Master Jason’s work and I got busy with packing and unpacking and organizing… and then I just didn’t know where to pick up and start again. It had been so long since I last wrote here.

How do I just randomly dive back into the blogging world and say “hey! I’m back! Again…” after so many long breaks? I think at this point the problem is misdirection. I’ve already written the basics for BDSM. I’ve answered countless questions, some that I’ve posted, most that I haven’t. I’ve made this into a full time job that just doesn’t pay anything. And I’ve started to write more for the fans than for the joy of writing. It’s started to wear on me and it’s come to a point where I dread it. I started this blog because I wanted an outlet where I could talk about my life, my choices and my lifestyle freely. The focus was to be on how Master Jason and I choose to view BDSM and make it work for us. How do I refocus the blog? Make it more of a menagerie of writings that is based on my life, experiences, thoughts, fantasies and feelings. I can intertwine the advice I give with other pieces of my work can’t I?

Of course I can. And how do I restart a blog I ignored for so long? That’s pretty easy to: I just start. Somewhere. Anywhere. And then I keep writing.

I don’t know where I will go from here. I don’t know how long or short the blog posts will be. I don’t even know how frequently I’ll actually be posting. But I do know that I need to get back into the habit of writing for the joy of writing and not because I feel like I owe it to anyone else.


Today I feel like writing about where the hell I’ve been and how our most recent move went:

Over the past ten months my marriage has gone from happy-go-lucky to “I fucking hate you!” and back. Ten months is a long time and lots of shit happened. Some of it I will put into words and the rest of it you’ll have to use your imagination.

We’ve put each other through hell. We moved, again. I mentioned that above but the stress that comes with moving, with having to find another place to live that just so happens to be in our budget and have great schools definitely wore on us. Master Jason’s Asperger’s kicked in hard and he stopped speaking to me for almost a full week. I was off my A.D.D. medication and therefore all over the place both emotionally and mentally. We had this toxic friend (we’ll call her Mary) that came into our lives. Mary was able to agree with every complaint Master Jason and I had against each other. She made it seem as though she was on both of our sides and then watched as we fought about anything and everything. She pretended to step in to help but in hindsight it became obvious that she was only interested in causing more of a communication gap between Master Jason and I than she was interested in seeing us really succeed. It wasn’t until after we moved that we even realized how much we had unraveled and how close we had come to just calling the marriage, the lifestyle, everything quits and moving away and on with our lives separately. I’d like to say we kept the kids out of it, but I’m sure they noticed. We weren’t mean to each other in front of them, we didn’t use them to pass messages back and forth, but they’re not stupid. They’re teenagers now. They see more and observe more than we intend for them to. They pick up on the hostility hidden in the silences. They didn’t say anything about our fighting but I’m sure they knew Daddy and I weren’t getting along just the same. Mary didn’t really help with keeping the children out of the fights either. She would come over often and usually unannounced and then want details on every fight Master Jason and I had while she wasn’t there. It got to the point where seeing her car in my driveway would set me on edge and tension would build up in my back and shoulders. I couldn’t verbalize that yet though because I barely had enough energy to get through packing up our house and taking care of the kids and mentally preparing for the next verbal battle with Master Jason… there wasn’t anything left for reflecting on my feelings towards people I thought were friends.

Shortly before the move, Mary started fucking our roommate Paul. This meant that she was still over at the house almost daily but that Master Jason and I saw very little of her. Part of the reason we were moving was to get away from Paul. We had already deduced that he was fairly toxic as a friend and definitely not a very good roommate. After living with him for two years, we could barely wait to live in a house that didn’t include him. But Mary liked him and I wanted to be happy for her. Unfortunately she had gotten what she wanted from me: access to men who made a decent living and were interested in whatever she was willing to trade for their attention. She pulled back from our friendship.

I won’t lie, it hurt. It hurt to learn that someone I had confided in, someone I had trusted, someone I had invested time in was only hanging around long enough to catch an eligible bachelor. It frustrated me to find out that I had been used as a means to an end. I took out my frustrations on Master Jason and dug deeper into the petty fights about boxes being packed, hours worked and plans for after the move. He fought equally hard, stressed out about moving in general, paying for the upfront costs that always partner with relocating, and the pure exhaustion from all of the stress we were under.

But then moving day came. Real friends showed up to help finish packing the boxes. They helped load things onto the moving van and helped us unload them back off again. Suddenly Master Jason and I were in a new house, in a new city. Something happens when you’re in a new place with everything you own in boxes surrounding you. Something changed between Master Jason and I. We went from fighting about everything to being too tired to fight at all. We were more than just emotionally drained. We were mentally exhausted and getting physically sick from the stress of watching ourselves destroy the marriage we had worked so hard to build. The house we moved to is much smaller than our old house but it’s perfectly sized for just our little family. This meant that Master Jason and I had to save our arguments for when the kids weren’t home. There wasn’t a space we could retreat to for hostile discussions. It meant we couldn’t avoid each other either. It meant that we had to deal with each other and the issues hanging in the air around us.

Ever so slowly we started doing things for each other again. I made sure that he had coffee in the mornings and I would offer to drive him into work so that we could grab breakfast at our favorite café in the city before he had to be in the office. He would complement me on my progress of unpacking and organizing the house and offer back massages when it was clear that the stress was causing further tension in my shoulders. We remembered that we were in this together and then we acted like it. It’s been five months since we moved. Five months of making an effort to go out together at least once a week just to enjoy each other’s presence. Five months of reminding ourselves of how good we are together both in the bedroom and out of it. We’ve found routines that fit our new lives here. We’re working together to build this marriage back up, stronger than it was before. We’re remembering who we are and what roles we’ve chosen to play. Slowly we’re easing back into something that feels more like “us” but with a few improvements. I’ll probably blog about those more specifically later. Right now though, it’s 3AM and Master Jason is ready for bed. He’s been playing a video game while I write. We’re both exhausted but we’re going to make the effort to fuck each other’s brains out anyway. Sex is one of the many ways we release excess tension. And then we’ll lay there, out of breath and exhausted and drift off to sleep knowing that today was a good day. There’s a deep satisfaction in knowing that the man I am sleeping next to is solid and comfortable. It’s a new version of security that I didn’t know existed, or maybe I did and I just forgot. It’s definitely worth the work it takes to make a relationship successful. He’s worth it and what’s great is, I know I’m worth it too.

To new beginnings,

–Autumn Lokerson

Lucky in Love… or just stubborn?

red symbols of love

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I am in the mood to talk about love and how Master Jason and I view it. I am often told that I am lucky to have found someone like Master Jason. I am asked how I managed to find such a great guy and what advice can I give to others so they can find their own great guys. The truth isn’t pretty though and I don’t have any simply answers to give.

To be fair, you only get to see half of what goes on behind closed doors. We aren’t perfect. We fight more than we want to admit, we say horrible things to each other sometimes, and we lose our tempers. I’d love to say we both put each other first more than anything else and that’s what makes us work, but that’s not always true. Sometimes I’m selfish and lots of times he’s selfish. It’s hard work, tons of compromise and a truck load of forgiveness, even if we feel let down and betrayed. Hell there are times where I wonder why the fuck I’m with him and I’m sure he feels the same. What honestly keeps us together though is our belief that all of this work we’ve poured into the relationship will pay off… and somehow it does.

I’ve been sick recently (food poisoning) and as a result I’ve been watching nothing but sappy romance movies and getting annoyed with them. Love is weird. It’s fun and loopy and butterflies in your stomach for about half a year…. and then it transforms into the kind of love that picks up socks without saying anything to the sock-dropper. It turns into understanding that sometimes espresso is better than an apology. It becomes the tiny moments of breathing deep and counting to twenty before continuing a conversation. Love is knowing that you’ve gone too far but it’s too early to say you’re sorry because the other person needs half an hour to cool off. Love is realizing that you’re too tired to start over and that it’s actually easier to keep working at the garden you’ve already planted, even if you’re sick of the sun and tired of dirt under your nails.

I still have moments where I look at Master Jason and feel like my heart is so full of love that it’s going to burst, but to be perfectly honest, I rarely feel butterflies with him anymore. I’m not lucky in love. I work hard to keep us going, he works just as hard to remind me why we’re together in the first place. Sometimes it’s easy, and some days it’s the hardest thing we’ve had to do in a long time… we’re partners, through and through. We give, we take, we talk things through, especially after a fight.  If we want those sappy moments romance movies have, we have to discuss it ahead of time and then work to make them happen. I’m the hopeless romantic in the relationship and he’s the realist. I have grand plans of what could happen and when it doesn’t turn out the way I imagined it would, he’s there to catch me and lower me slowly to the solid ground of reality. In turn, I help him to see the world through the eyes of a dreamer. It’s not Hollywood movie love and it’s not always perfect all the time. For those of you watching us, remember that you’re watching from a distance. I choose what you will or won’t see. I write it up and decide what words to use where. I try not to hide much from you all, but at the same time, I choose not to share every little detail either. True love isn’t something that just happens, it’s something that you have to work at, a lot.  In my opinion, true love isn’t really love so much as it’s stubborn determination not to give up and an almost insane obsession with hard work that might not pay off the way you wanted it to.

I think it’s important to keep that in mind as you read through my blog posts. We’re not lucky in love. We’re hard workers who are determined to make this relationship work just as hard as we do. We may not have Hollywood’s version of love, but we don’t want that version either. It’s overrated and far too fake for my tastes. I want reality. I actually like the dirt and hard work part of our version of love. I enjoy watching something I work on grow and change and blow my expectations out of the water. I don’t like giving up and I hate feeling like a failure so when that temptation knocks on my door, I change courses and think about what I need to do to keep us going. I’m sure Master Jason does the same. We make sacrifices for each other, for our children and for the relationship. We choose to stay together through thick and thin (and over the holidays there was a lot of thin)!

To us, love isn’t just a romantic dinner or great sex or how easily we “click” with each other. For Master Jason and I, love is deeper than that. It’s choosing to make dinner every night, even when you are sick of cooking. It’s not complaining about the socks on the floor two feet from the laundry basket. Love is staying within the budget, even when those shoes you’ve been eyeing for months go on sale. It’s admitting that I’m wrong and then apologizing for it. (And I hate being wrong almost as much as I hate apologizing for it). For Master Jason, love is turning off a video game so that we can talk about something that’s important to me. It’s giving me back massages even though he doesn’t really enjoy doing that. It’s learning how to word criticism in a way that doesn’t sound like an insult (like when dinner isn’t that great or my writing needs a little work).

When he’s agitated or frustrated by something, I know that a latte will help improve his mood. When I’m upset, he knows a shoulder rub will improve mine. I like where we are now. I enjoy watching our love mature and grow with us, even if it does seem to take more work now than it did in the beginning. We have our ups and our downs. Some may say we have periods of falling back in love and then out of love with each other, but honestly I think that’s just healthy. It’s not fun 100% of the time and it’s not always easy, but that’s okay. Working through those times is what makes us so great together. It’s not that we’re lucky in love, it’s that we are willing to stubbornly work through the bad times and then gracefully enjoy the good times we have together.

We’re not just lucky, we’re stubborn too, and I think it’s important that my readers realize it too. What you see on my blog is not the product of a couple who hit the love jackpot. It’s the product of hard work and effort from a couple who fell in love and is choosing to remain in love, even when it takes work.

–Autumn Lokerson

Being on the Other Side of Our Open-Relationship (Master Jason has a date)

Young couple in love walking in the autumn park holding hands lo

Every few months Master Jason and I sit down and discuss our relationship as a whole. We talk about the BDSM side of things, the open-relationship, parenting and anything else that comes to mind. It is important to both of us that we set aside time to really discuss the details and discuss ways we can improve, rules we can get rid of and how we’re doing emotionally with all the different aspects of our marriage. As a result of our talks, I have decided to go back to school. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for a while, but wasn’t sure I could balance a full time school schedule along with everything else going on in our lives.

I have had three partners outside of our marriage, but until recently, Master Jason has not had even one. Another thing that came out during our most recent discussion was my concern over our open-marriage. We’ve been in an open relationship for about three years now, but due to his hours at work, there hasn’t been a whole lot of room for Master Jason to establish, build and create a relationship of any kind. I told him that he should just join one of the many dating websites in the area. At first he declined because he really isn’t as social as I am and he was just so tired at the end of his workdays that all he wanted to do was come home to me and the kids and hang out with us.

I told Master Jason that if he wants to close up the relationship and be monogamous again, I’m fine with it. I explained that I was concerned merely because I feel like it’s not exactly fair for me to have plenty of time to explore the open side of our marriage while he has no extra time at all. He said that he likes us being open and he hates that he doesn’t have time to meet people. He and I are not the kind of people to just randomly pick someone up at a bar or club. Hell, we rarely go to bars and clubs. I suggested that he allow me to create a profile for him on OK Cupid because I have heard that they are fairly well known for poly and open relationships like ours. He gave me permission to set up his profile. We share an office, so if any questions about the profile I was making for him came up, all I had to do was ask. This allowed us to have the entire profile and over 100 questions finished in less than an hour. By the end of the day, he already had seven messages from seven different women. I had made sure to make it clear that he is married and that he is not scoping out women purely for sex or a threesome with his wife, but an actual friendship/relationship of some kind. Not that there’s anything wrong with casual sex, but we are both extremely picky when it comes to people we’re willing to sleep with.

I still have access to his profile, which helps him out because I play the role of his secretary at times and will let him know that he has a message waiting in his inbox. We try very hard to keep our communication as open and honest as we can. If he wants to have a more private conversation with someone, he uses his email address or various messaging services, and I do the same. If either of us asked to see those messages though, we wouldn’t have a problem sharing them because, again, we’re working hard to keep our communication as open and honest as it possibly can be, too.

Last weekend he had a date with one of the women he has been talking with for a while now. This was not their first date so Master Jason and I discussed everything we could think of before this particular date. I knew, from things he had shared with me, that the chance of sex that night was a high possibility. I made sure he had condoms, he made sure to let me know exactly where they would be and promised to text me if he thought it was going well enough that he would be out for the night. I think I was more nervous than he was, which makes sense because I wouldn’t be on the date and I had not been talking to this woman for as long as he had been. In fact, I hadn’t talked to her at all yet. I was comfortable with him going on dates with her purely because of how open Master Jason has been with what they talk about, and with sharing their messages with me.

I was not prepared for the random bout of jealousy I got when he texted me that he was most definitely spending the night out. A lot of emotions ran through me. I kept telling myself that I had set this whole thing into motion. I reminded myself that it was me who suggested the open-relationship to start with, and it was my idea to create a dating profile for him. I know that jealousy is a symptom of a bigger issue, but I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly that issue was. We had discussed everything and I was completely comfortable with this, so why was I feeling jealous and angry? Needless to say, I did not sleep very well that night.

When Master Jason called me the next morning, I was still in a grumpy mood. I was polite on the phone with him and eager to see him, but I was also trying to keep down the new rush of negative emotions that I felt bubbling up inside of me. He suggested we go to breakfast and then hang out for a little bit to talk. The last thing I wanted to hear was “we should talk” from him. My worst fears started creating images in my head. The voice of doubt tried to convince me he was leaving me for this new person and I struggled to shut it up. By the time I arrived at the restaurant we had chosen for breakfast, I was a hot mess. I didn’t say anything and I am sure the smile I gave him was fairly wobbly. He could instantly tell that I was struggling with my emotions so he did most of the talking. He said he loved me and that last night had not changed that, in fact it had confirmed just how much he loves me. He told me (in detail) about what happened and how it had gone. He sounded so relieved when he told me just how much he enjoys sex with me that I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Why do you say that?” I asked, feeling a little better.

“Well, you never fake it. Ever. And I know exactly what to do to make you orgasm as often as I want. With this girl, it was clear she was trying to fake a few orgasms and it got to the point where I just gave up and let her. I told her later that I don’t appreciate it when the woman I am with fakes an orgasm. I get off on her getting off, and when I am denied that, it’s hard for me to enjoy it too.”

I take a serious amount of pride in knowing that he didn’t have quite as much fun as he thought he would. I even started to feel kind of bad for the woman he was with that night. I suggested that maybe she was just really nervous and it was causing her to second guess everything, but she wanted him to know she was having fun and the only way she could do that was to pretend to orgasm, or try and make it sound like she was having as much fun as someone in that situation normally has. I asked how many partners she had been with previously. I asked what techniques he tried and suggested other things that I particularly enjoy that she might enjoy. As we talked, I realized I was trying to help him get her to reach a genuine orgasm instead of feeling the slightest bit of jealousy. This made me laugh again, with relief.

I made a point to let him know how loved I felt because he had asked me to breakfast, not her. I let him know that it was extremely insightful of him to know that I would need time to adjust and that I would need a reminder that I was still his Alpha-mate. He said “When you answered the phone and sounded polite but standoffish, I knew that you were struggling with this. When you showed up and looked like you might burst into tears at the drop of a hat, I knew I needed to reassure you of my love for you.” It’s the small things he observes and reacts to that remind me why I fell in love with him in the first place.

It has been a week since he went out with her, and he does plan on going out with her again, but not before I get to meet her. Tomorrow we are going to brunch together, all three of us. I’m nervous again, and I’m dealing with little bouts of fear and jealousy, but now I know that I really am okay with this side of the open-relationship. I know that I want this, even though it kind of scares me. I know that monogamy is just not my cup of tea, and that if I’m going to be non-monogamous, then I need to let go of my religious up-bringing and ignore the voice in my head that tries to lie to me. I know that Master Jason loves me and I know that we are a power-couple many people are intimidated by. I know that our relationship is sturdy and that I am secure in this relationship. It’s just going to take some time to adjust to the idea of him dating and sleeping with other women. I’m still anxious, but it’s more like being anxious for a big test. I’ve known about this test for a while now, and I’ve studied for it as much as I possibly can, all I have to do is take the test. I’m certain I will pass. If going back to school has taught me anything at all, it’s that I am a very good student and that I bend over backwards to make sure I am getting the absolute best grade I can get. I do the same thing in my relationship with Master Jason. I research, I think, I write down my emotions and I dig through them to make sure I’m being honest with myself so that I can be honest with him. I know what to expect and I know what doubts will pop in my head. I know that he demands a recent copy of STD test results before he does anything with someone else, just as I do when I am dating someone. It’s just safe. I know that he uses condoms every time, just as I do. I know what to expect, and we are as prepared as we’ll ever be for the “what if’s” that will come up.

Overall this entire experience has confirmed what I already knew: Open-relationships are NOT for everyone. They take more work and a hell of a lot more communication than any other relationship I’ve ever been in. They require absolute honesty and open communication or they simply won’t work. I feel better prepared to advise others in their relationships now, too. (Which is great, because I get asked relationship advice fairly often). I know that this is the right relationship for Master Jason and I and even though it’s a little scary from time to time, I can honestly say that just this one night he had out has already brought us so much closer. I’m constantly telling him how much closer I feel to him now and how weird that feels because so many other people told me I would feel differently. I look forward to whatever life brings us around the next river bend (yes, that’s a Pocahontas reference).

I still have some issues I need to work through, but I’m honest with myself about what those are and realistic enough to know they won’t go away completely. With each new girl Master Jason dates, I’ll probably feel a bit of nerves, but ultimately I rest in the knowledge that I want this and am extremely happy with how things are going.

A quick update before I end this post: I do plan on writing another blog post over the weekend, and since one of my classes has already ended, I will have more time to write (or so the hope goes) and I apologize for being away from my blog for so very long. I am enrolled in college part time and it tends to take up a lot more time than I thought it would, but hopefully, now that things are starting to feel normal, I can schedule in some actual writing time. My book is on hold again though, mostly because I’m learning so many awesome things about writing styles that I am timid at trying to finish it right now. My plan is to continue being a part time student for a few years and then finally graduate with my AA and go to a four year college for my BA. I want to take my time because the four year colleges I am eyeing are out of our current city and I don’t want to move the kids to a new city and new schools in the middle of their high school lives. (They’re currently both in middle school). All in all, I think I feel so happy lately because not only am I working on bettering myself (in so many ways) but I have a plan, a backup plan and even a backup plan for my backup plan. Lol. Life is pretty good right now. I almost feel bad for saying that because it’s always been good, but I had no idea how much better it could be. I think I am secretly waiting for the other shoe to drop and the world to flip on its head and freak me out. I’m sure I’ll have bad days, we all do, but right now I believe that I am going to be just fine. I’m loved, I’m in love and I’m succeeding with all of my responsibilities. For that, I will always have something to be proud of and something to look forward to.

As always, you all are welcome to comment, ask questions or make requests. You can either do that below, or you can email me. I’ll respond when I have the time and can give your questions/comments the attention they deserve. You can also find me on Facebook (though I recently uninstalled the mobile app) here:

–Autumn Lokerson

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