Serving Master

Have you ever noticed when someone around you is doing something they obviously can’t stand doing? Even if it’s a favor for someone they love? If it inconveniences the doer in any way, it shows. Some people go above and beyond just being irritated about having to do something for someone else, they make sure everyone the come into contact with knows they are unhappy. I admit, in past relationships (long before I ever decided submission was my path) I would play the brat, well maybe bitch is a better word there. If I was upset with someone, for any reason, everyone within 10 feet of me knew I was unhappy. I would work hard to make sure my anger seethed through all facets of my being. My favorite visual when I was angry was one of flames in my eyes and the thought of my blood boiling. I think I loved the anger. In my mind, it gave me an excuse to really be a bitch to anyone and everyone for no reason. “I’m angry because of XYZ and you happen to be in my path so watch out!” I shake my head at how much energy I wasted on such stupid things. Though even in my anger and immaturity, I held back most times. When the opportunity to be vindictive or especially nasty came up, I passed on it. In my heart of hearts, I just couldn’t go through with more than a few well placed words or dirty looks. The few times I allowed myself to go the extra mile and embrace my anger I always regretted it. It would eat away at me.

Maybe it’s part of growing up, maybe it’s just desiring to serve Master the absolute best that I can, maybe it’s because I know that, as his property, everything I do is a reflection on who he is and I never want to damage who he is, but I’ve changed a lot in the past few years. Even before Master and I started dating I found myself desiring to please him before fulfilling my own wants and needs.  It’s fun to compare who I once was (immature, wild, angry, uncontrolled) to who I am now.

When given an order, even ones I don’t like, I find myself smiling as I think of how I might have reacted in the past compared to how I’m currently acting as I carry out my chores. I never want to be who I once was again, but I love thinking how far I have come. I laugh when I contemplae how my old self would react to how my new self behaves. I can hear her now “You’re his property!? Are you fucking stupid?!”or “He ordered you to do what?! And you’re obeying?!”

It’s not always easy. I find myself constantly having to fight the old urges and school my emotions so that I can carry out tasks happily and with a joyful heart. There are times I have to remind myself that I chose this path, but that’s where my joy comes from too; I chose to devote myself to him fully. I chose to give him my full submission in everything. I could always choose not to do something, or to let my old self take over and show her anger, but that would be going against the vows I made both to him and to myself. If I go against that, then I’ve been living a lie, and I can’t stand liars. As I do the dishes for the umteenth time, or wash yet another load of laundry, or go out of my way to do things for him (even when not asked) I smile, because I know that it pleases him. And in pleasing him; in giving him my all, my everything, I find peace.

-ariia

I’m a member of several different sites related to BDSM (for example: FetLife and The Slave Registry) and I love reading the forums and threads. I came across a post today that made me laugh out loud at it, at how insane it seemed to me. The post simply read:

 jbdogowner wrote:
An example of true slavery
“if the Master orders the slave to run accross the roof of a multistorey car-park/Parking lot for our American cousins and over the edge, the slave would not look down because he trusts his master to have favourably sorted the consequences”

I couldn’t believe someone actually believed that, let alone that anyone would be silly enough to agree with it. I showed my Master thinking he would laugh with me but he didn’t. Our conversation went a bit like this:
Me: Who the hell would order such a thing?! Do they not care about their slave?
Master: (after a moment of silence) I might ask you that. If I’d arranged something at the bottom to break your fall. But for safety I might have you blindfolded instead, and then order you to fall backwards over the edge.
Me: (sitting there with my jaw dropped as my mind processed all of this)……

I didn’t respond right away. In thinking about it though I realized that if my Master ordered something like that, I’d obey. Sure at first it sounds absolutely insane, but no more so than jumping out of a plane and trusting that the parachute will do what it’s supposed to when you pull on the release cord. Or if you compare it to something not quite as risky.

I look at it like rappelling down a mountain. No matter how many times I may have done it before there will always be that certain thrill as you lean back and “fall” off the edge. You trust that the rope will hold you up, you trust that the person at the bottom knows what they’re doing and won’t let you “fall” too quickly, but it still goes against what feels natural (and maybe this is just me) but there is always a bit of “omg what if ____!” that runs through your mind before you actually start the “fall” It’s a thrill and I love it, but at the same time it scares the fuck out of me (which might be part of the love I have for it lol) Like rappelling down a mountain there are risks and dangers involved in some of the orders Master might give me, but that’s why you check your equipment to make sure it’s not frayed or broken. That’s why you make sure the person at the bottom of the mountain knows what they are doing. It’s why you go through training courses – so that you know both what is expected of you and how things are going to go down and of course all the answers to “what if ___” that you could possibly think of.

When it comes right down to it the question isn’t “would you obey such and such order” it’s “Do you trust the one giving the orders?” And when it comes to trusting Master, the answer is “Yes.” No matter how mundane or risky they might be, I trust him.

-ariia

I grew up in a fairly Christian household. Most of my childhood memories are of Sunday School or Bible Camp or Awana’s and the like. For a long time now I’ve been questioning what I was raised to believe. Questioning the validity of it all and the people who believe it. There are some, like my mother, who seem to be a lot like they claim to be: loving and kind and not judgmental in the least. But over the years the majority of the Christians I have gotten to know have very hypocritical aspects that they excuse away with their faith. I can’t tell you how many times someone would say something and I found myself thinking “Now wait a minute, that can’t be right” over something someone said to me regarding their beliefs. I’ve started being more open in my responses or calling others out (though respectfully as I can) when they say something that contradicts what they claim to believe. I get a certain thrill from finally being brave enough to say things like “But doesn’t that go against what the Bible says?” or “I don’t remember reading that anywhere in the Bible. Are you sure it’s in there” and watching as the speaker tries to backtrack or validate what was said. I don’t do it often because honestly I’m not trying to put them in their place or anything, I just want them to realize whatever they’ve said was wrong, or misleading.

I have since walked away from the faith and just about everything to do with it. I no longer believe there is a god, of any sort; I no longer believe the Bible is true; I no longer believe that Christ even existed. I still capitalize the B in Bible though because it is still a book, and I have a certain love for books and proper grammar. I have yet to tell my family about my newfound disbelief though. First off it would probably kill my mother, and I’d rather not cause her any harm. Secondly I know exactly what they would all do; they’d try to convince me I was wrong and end the conversation in a frustrated “Well I’ll pray for you” type of way that would do nothing but cause a rift in our relationship.

The next path for me though is getting over this “anything kinky is dirty and unnatural” bullshit that was ground into my head. I swear to god, until I was about 18 I thought the only proper and allowed form of sex was missionary style and that anything outside of that was a sin. Which caused internal conflict any and every time I would even think about anything remotely kinky. I still feel a twinge of guilt when Master and I are fucking and I desire for him to hit me, or spank me harder, or tie me up and have his way with me, but at this point that guilt makes me only want it more so I can push the stupid little voice in my head that screams at me about how “dirty” I am away. I hate that voice. I heard that voice for far too long as a kid, never feeling good enough or smart enough or pretty enough for whatever. It took me a long time to realize that I am who I am, and change the things I don’t like about me, while accepting the things I can’t change. It’s taken me even longer to stop comparing myself with others around me (something I’m still working on and will probably always struggle with)

For the most part I really like the person I am today. There are still several things I’m working on changing (dropping another 20 pounds and toning up; being more organized and yet carefree; learning how to condense what I say into a few sentences instead of paragraph upon paragraph – both in writing and speech) but all in all I’m proud of who I am, how far I have come and enjoy tracking my goals both accomplished and to be accomplished. Now if I could just figure out how to vocalize my wildest fantasies when Master asks me (without giggling and blushing madly)… but that’s another post for another day.

-ariia