Have you ever noticed when someone around you is doing something they obviously can’t stand doing? Even if it’s a favor for someone they love? If it inconveniences the doer in any way, it shows. Some people go above and beyond just being irritated about having to do something for someone else, they make sure everyone the come into contact with knows they are unhappy. I admit, in past relationships (long before I ever decided submission was my path) I would play the brat, well maybe bitch is a better word there. If I was upset with someone, for any reason, everyone within 10 feet of me knew I was unhappy. I would work hard to make sure my anger seethed through all facets of my being. My favorite visual when I was angry was one of flames in my eyes and the thought of my blood boiling. I think I loved the anger. In my mind, it gave me an excuse to really be a bitch to anyone and everyone for no reason. “I’m angry because of XYZ and you happen to be in my path so watch out!” I shake my head at how much energy I wasted on such stupid things. Though even in my anger and immaturity, I held back most times. When the opportunity to be vindictive or especially nasty came up, I passed on it. In my heart of hearts, I just couldn’t go through with more than a few well placed words or dirty looks. The few times I allowed myself to go the extra mile and embrace my anger I always regretted it. It would eat away at me.
Maybe it’s part of growing up, maybe it’s just desiring to serve Master the absolute best that I can, maybe it’s because I know that, as his property, everything I do is a reflection on who he is and I never want to damage who he is, but I’ve changed a lot in the past few years. Even before Master and I started dating I found myself desiring to please him before fulfilling my own wants and needs. It’s fun to compare who I once was (immature, wild, angry, uncontrolled) to who I am now.
When given an order, even ones I don’t like, I find myself smiling as I think of how I might have reacted in the past compared to how I’m currently acting as I carry out my chores. I never want to be who I once was again, but I love thinking how far I have come. I laugh when I contemplae how my old self would react to how my new self behaves. I can hear her now “You’re his property!? Are you fucking stupid?!”or “He ordered you to do what?! And you’re obeying?!”
It’s not always easy. I find myself constantly having to fight the old urges and school my emotions so that I can carry out tasks happily and with a joyful heart. There are times I have to remind myself that I chose this path, but that’s where my joy comes from too; I chose to devote myself to him fully. I chose to give him my full submission in everything. I could always choose not to do something, or to let my old self take over and show her anger, but that would be going against the vows I made both to him and to myself. If I go against that, then I’ve been living a lie, and I can’t stand liars. As I do the dishes for the umteenth time, or wash yet another load of laundry, or go out of my way to do things for him (even when not asked) I smile, because I know that it pleases him. And in pleasing him; in giving him my all, my everything, I find peace.