There are days where what I want and what I need are completely different. On top of that, most times I don’t even know what exactly I want. I’ve been exceptionally moody lately and I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. There’s nothing major going down lately, I’m just blah.

Master picked up on it. Maybe I was extra snappy at him, maybe I was extra snappy with the kids. I’m not sure, I just know that I’ve been feeling moody and I know I’ve caught a few times where I was harsh when I needn’t be or took things the wrong way for no apparent reason. I’m sure you can understand that kind of mood.

What I almost never know is how to snap out of it. Master figured out what I needed though. Last night he had me lay down on the bed. “Don’t move” he said as he put my hands above my head, and sat on my legs. I’m belly down on the bed, trying to bite my tongue, knowing I want nothing more than to snap at him for no apparent reason. He’s spending time with me, taking the time to do rope bondage (which takes forever to set up) instead of just using the cuffs (don’t get me wrong I like cuffs too, but there’s something special about setting up a scene too). And here I lay wanting to snap at him, order him to do it my way. What the hell has gotten into me lately?

I feel tears starting already. I sigh a little, suddenly realizing this is exactly what I need.

The feel of suede brushes against my bare skin. Master reaches over and puts the blindfold on me, the suede flogger tickling my back as he does so. It’s more of a soft kiss than a tickle as I feel it lick up and down my sides, over my legs and across my butt. Suddenly it’s gone and I miss it already as I tense for the blow. Nothing happens.

Unshed tears spill over and run down my cheeks onto the mattress below me. I relax when Master’s hands are on me, rubbing lotion all over. Oh no, I think to myself, lotion means a harder session than usual.

When the lotion has been thoroughly massaged into my already tender skin, Master takes time to work the kinks out of my shoulders. He’s humming to himself as he works. The beauty of what he is doing is not lost on me. He’s taking his time, enjoying the sensations vibrating through my body, knowing that I’m already on the edge and he’s barely done anything. “You have the sexiest ass” he tells me as he pinches and kneads it in his hands. I think I respond, but I’m not sure. All I know are the emotions bubbling at the surface and the movement of him above me.

“You need to cry and you haven’t been allowing yourself to do so. Your mood is angry and frustrated and nothing I have done has fixed this. I don’t know what’s going on, but I do know what you need.” Master says to me in almost a whisper. “What is your safe word?” he asks.

“Red” I reply back, tensing for the blows I know will come.

“Good girl.”

And then he’s straightening up above me. Light licks of the flogger begin across my shoulders. He’s warming the skin, making sure that I don’t bruise by bringing the blood to the surface of the skin and getting my body ready for what’s about to happen. Usually I like bruises, but I tend to get so much more out of a session if it’s prolonged and I can’t predict between when to tense and when to relax. The unknown takes over me and my control is completely and utterly in his hands.

The next thing I know the cane is coming down across my thighs. OUCH! That’s not the suede flogger! I think to myself as I cry out and burst into tears. Oh god it feels good to cry. Three more times the cane slaps against me, my legs twice followed by one hard smack against my ass. I try to move, try to curl into a ball and lay on my side so I can just bawl like a baby, but the restraints keep me in place. My safeword floats around in my head and I relax again knowing that it’s there if I need it.

I take stock of how my body is feeling, it hurts but it hurts in a way that I like, nothing too painful, nothing going numb, the circulation of my blood seems to be normal. No tingling that I can feel anyway. I think about how my ass and legs feel. Surprisingly they feel fine, a little hot, but no where near painful enough to even cry out yellow. I suck in a breath, not realizing I wasn’t breathing as I mentally checked my physical status. I relax again, and the tension must visibly ease out of me, for Master chooses now to use the riding crop. When did he pick that out of the bag? I wonder as I enjoy the light sensations of quick slaps from the crop.

The pattern is blissfully unpredictable. I count in my head 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, FOUR! Ouch, that was harder than I expected. I don’t know why I’m using numbers this time, usually I go through the alphabet. One letter for each strike, working my way up to z and then starting all over again. I briefly wonder if I’m the only submissive who does this. I almost giggle but the riding crop bites into my skin again and I cry out. Ohhhh yes! I want more!! 

Light, light, light, HARD, light, HARD, over and over Master whips me with the crop. Suddenly he switches and the suede flogger whips my side. He must be holding one in each hand. My breathing increases. I know I’m wet. The pain is turning into pleasure. I’m crying harder at the thought of it, at how desperately I need this and how Master just knows it. I had not asked for this session, I didn’t need to. That small knowledge makes me smile through my tears.

“Yes, slave, I know you need this” Master says as though reading my thoughts. The cane is back in his hand. I felt him reach for something and just assumed that had to be what it was. Five swats across my legs, one slight above the next. These are hard enough that I know I’ll have red lines for a few days there. Then I hear the sound of his belt hitting the floor. Master is undressing, yay!

And before I can turn my head to the sound, he is back on top of me, spreading me open for him and sliding into me with ease. God he feels good. Stretching me and filling me to the brink. I’ve stopped crying but my tears have soaked the mattress below me. Master slides back out and slams into me again. He reaches up and grabs a fistful of my hair, forcing me into the stretchy yoga position I love so much. “Cum, now!” he growls at me and I spasm out of control, over the edge and into the blissful black and red of orgasm.

Some submissives swear they see white lights when they hit subspace. For me it’s much darker. Deep reds and blackest blacks fill my mind. I like this. I like it because I know how horrified some people would be if they knew what went down behind the closed doors of my bedroom. I smile wickedly, thinking about how “wrong” society still seems to think this is. The Sadist and the masochist, one enjoying to give the other enjoying  to receive. Pain so fast and hard it blinds me momentarily rips through my body. My back is on fire. Master is using the flogger while fucking me. The mental image of being fully ridden enters my mind and I suppress a smile.

Our bodies move together, my ass lifting to meet him as he pulls out of my pussy and slams back into it. He picks up the pace and I suddenly can no longer hold a coherent thought nor do I want to. Blissfully I allow the dark to fold around my brain cutting off all thoughts, all words, everything but the feeling of him inside of me. Master leans down and bites my shoulder, just hard enough to send me soaring over the edge again. I cry out in ecstasy and I hear him groan as he shoves himself as deep into me as he can go and holds himself there, spilling his seed far deep into my womb. We lay there panting, his skin on mine, the heat of his chest and the beads of sweat seeping into the fresh welts on  my back. I love the feeling of fire across each mark on my body.

Master undoes the ropes binding me and then turns me on my side. I curl instantly and cuddle against him, my ass softly cupped by his groin, our bodies in perfect harmony. We lay there, him holding me, and I burst into tears again. I needed this so desperately. Master plays with my hair, the gentle tugs reminding me that I am loved. His hand brushes up and down my arm, smoothing me from the outside in. Finally I feel every bit of tension that I have been hanging onto for whatever reason, ease out of me. The dark mood that had its claws so deep into me has released and is being chased away by the love I feel from Master.

My last thought before sleep takes over me is how Master saw what I needed even when I couldn’t put a finger on what exactly that was, and then he provided it for me.  I am so loved.

Peace, Love, Happiness & Bondage,

–Autumn