Since writing this blog, Mom has (thankfully!) decided that there are something things about me she just doesn’t want to know when it comes to her kids and she prefers to be left out of the loop as a result (YAY!). She’s decided to STOP READING my blog posts (big sigh of relief). Now where was that attitude when I was a teenager?! Haha.
I called my mother this morning because… well because I miss her (do I really need an excuse to call Mom?)
She randomly says “So I read some of your blog…”
Ack! Talk about panic. I love my mother (and Mom if you’re reading this, please don’t take offense to anything I write here, I really do love you). The idea of her reading this particular blog though is a bit… hilarious. I mean, hello, this is a SEX BLOG. I laughed and told her “Oh there’s quite a few things you’re going to want to skip over on that, Mom.” Sure enough she’s already fully aware of that fact. But she wanted to make sure I was okay. “The idea of you submitting to anyone is rather scary, Autumn. I mean, here’s my little girl, who is strong willed and stubborn and doesn’t take advice from anyone and is quick to speak out about what she believes or doesn’t believe and you’re giving everything, every decision, every thought, every movement over to a guy. Your husband, yes, but still, it’s a bit… it’s almost satanic in nature.”
I laughed harder at that, but it did get me thinking; maybe it’s time I wrote a blog about what BDSM is and what it isn’t. (Or a dozen blogs since there are SO MANY TOPICS within this one topic!)
Starting with the absolute basics: BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism.
I’ve talked about finding freedom in bondage before. Being bound up, secured to a degree that I can not wiggle away or squirm and move to a different position, allows me to focus purely on the acts being done to me. As the submissive, technically I have all the power. The moment I call out a safeword the scene stops, the bondage is undone and I am free to move around as I please. I know this, I’ve tested it, I’ve called the word to make sure that the scene does in fact STOP. I do not worry about Master ignoring me, or taking me further than I want to go. That’s the whole point of a safeword.
Sure, Master could completely ignore me and keep doing as he pleased, but you better fucking believe that would be the LAST TIME he ever touched me. It would be a sure fire way to destroy the trust we have and end the relationship. I simply will NOT play with someone who doesn’t understand that my safeword (which is RED by the way) means STOP, GET ME DOWN, or UNTIE ME and END THE SESSION.
But it doesn’t completely end there either. If I have to call out Red there’s usually a damn good reason. Limbs are going numb, something hurt in an un-pleasurable way, my emotions broke and I can’t handle anymore at this moment, etc. At this point Master not only undoes whatever bondage I may have on, but he holds me and we talk about why I felt the need to call out Red. This is the main reason we have a “slow down” word too. “Yellow” for me, means that I am close to the brink, I need a moment to step back (figuratively) and refocus my mind, my emotions and/or the location of pain being used. Yellow means I don’t want the scene to stop, but I am letting Master know that something is off, or close to being too painful, too emotional or too much for me to handle.
There are times where he will ask “What color are you at?” Green means, I’m fine, keep going. Yellow means slow down, Red means stop. (It’s just easier for me to remember green, yellow and red, but please understand safewords come in all forms. On FamilyGuy Lois told Peter that the safeword was banana and then she gagged him with a ball gag. Banana is a perfectly acceptable safeword, gagging someone immediately after telling them their safeword is NOT. When I am gagged, I have a squeaky toy I can use to call out Red for me, and hand signals that I can use if I need to (though it’s hard to see hand signals if Master is otherwise occupied…. )
Submitting does not mean I become a doormat. It does not mean that Master can do whatever the fuck he pleases, or fuck me however he pleases. We have a contract written up for this very purpose. It outlines what I am willing to do, what I am not willing to do, what I am curious about doing and what I’d be willing to try. Our contract is more valuable to us than our marriage. This is our bread and butter. It is what we have each agreed upon, and as we grow in our relationship and our trust for each other, so does the contract. It is NOT set in stone. Master and I revisit the details of the contract often to add to or delete things off of it. It lays out what is to be expected in most areas of our life. (Let’s face it, if I were to try and lay out what is expected of me in every single area of my life I’d never have time to play because I’d be spending all day every day changing the contract with the whims of my emotional and physical state.) Submitting means that I allow Master to do whatever he pleases or fuck me however he pleases WITHIN THE GUIDELINES OF THE CONTRACT. Like the safeword, if those guidelines are abused or ignored, the relationship and trust that Master and I share is over.
As for the satanic aspect of the relationship, I just don’t see it. First off, I don’t believe in god (any god) so there’s no way I’m going to foolishly believe in its counter-part. Lol. I guess I’d have to ask Mom what she means by “satanic” to be able to better address that aspect. I can say that BDSM is NOT evil. It is not filthy, it is not wrong, it is not immoral, wicked or malevolent.
I do know quite a bit about the bible (after all, Mom raised me in the church). And what I can guess about her seeing BDSM as satanic is that she’s referring to Galatians 5: 19-21 “The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.”
I don’t see how sex with my husband is immoral, impure or any form of debauchery. And any Dom willing to dominate with hatred, discord for his submissive, jealous, angry, or drunk is NOT the kind of Dom you want to be around. Ever. In fact, someone willing to dominate with those traits is a very bad dominate!
Orgies – Seriously what the hell? I don’t participate in orgies. I never have and I probably never will. I’d also like to point out that Jason (whom I refer to as Master in this blog) and I are MONOGAMOUS. Sheesh. We aren’t running a sex dungeon for fucks sake. (Though I fully admit to having thought about starting our own BDSM club, I sure as fuck wouldn’t do it in my own home.)
What I am interested in is consensual kinky sex. And honestly, what else could you ask for? I’ve never been the type to do anything the “normal” way. Vanilla sex just doesn’t interest me. (Oh, by “vanilla” I mean any sexual behavior without BDSM elements) But then, that’s the motto of BDSM: Safe, sane and consensual.
So fret not, Mom. What he does to me is only what I ALLOW him to do to me, and trust me, there are many, many times I am the one begging him to do it.
I love you. I’m safe. I’m not a doormat and I want this.
Peace, Love, Happiness and BDSM,