The Good Dom

For the sake of this blog post, and my sanity, I am referring to Doms here as male, but please understand that female Dommes need to be held by the same standards.  ~Thank you.

Please also check out the partner piece to this post: The Good Submissive

Many of my fans and readers tell me they are new to this lifestyle. Many of them are submissive, or think they are submissive and unsure of what to look for in a Dom. It got me to thinking about the differences between a good Dom and a bad one, the kind you NEVER want to come across and should ALWAYS be on the lookout for.

There are people in this world who would kill to be with someone who will put up with their shit. They do not seek anything more than someone to use, abuse and throw away when they are done. They don’t care about your limits, your wishes, your desires or even your happiness. They know how to manipulate and con, and aren’t interested in learning how to love. These are the people that are too emotionally unstable for any relationship, let alone a BDSM relationship. Many of those who claim to be dominant actually seek out lonely and desperate submissives and then break them down until the submissive feels she no longer has hope and gives up.

My greatest fear for my fans is that in their desperation to find a Dom as wonderful as Master Jason is, people will rush into bad relationships and not realize their mistakes until it is far too late. We see it happen in the vanilla world often, but the BDSM world is so secretive that the lines tend to blur and it is almost easier to fall for a bag of tricks than it is to keep searching for the real deal.

In the beginning of a your journey through BDSM you will hear the words “Safe, sane and consensual” or “Risk Aware, Consensual Kink”. For beginners, and especially for those who only play (or scene) from time to time, these are not merely descriptive words for BDSM, they are the essence of it. The key word though is “consensual”. It appears in both phrases for a reason. If your relationship is not consensual then it is not BDSM, it is abuse. And I beg you to RUN from that relationship. Don’t think, just run. There will be plenty of time for thinking later. Right now, your safety is at stake.

How can you avoid the bad dominants though if you don’t know what to look for? What is it that makes a Dom worthy of your submission? What sets Good Dominants apart from the abusive idiots who desperately try to force that title down your throat?

  1. First and foremost, a good Dom has an extraordinary amount of self-control. Sometimes he is so patient that it is infuriating. His job as your Dom is to make sure that you get what you need from him, as well as getting what he needs from you. This leads to the next sign of a Good Dom…
  2. A good Dom will understand that even though he is the Dominant, your opinions matter. Your needs matter even more than that. There will be times where he will have to decide which is more important: something you want or something you need and he will have to make that judgement call.
  3. A Good Dom always has reasons behind his rules and they make sense. “Because I want you to” may be what we’re told when we ask why we have to do something, but that’s not always the real reason either. A Good Dom understands that your mental, physical and emotional health is important as well. Those rules about taking your meds and working out? They’re not for his benefit, well not totally anyway;. they’re for your benefit. Making sure you eat well? Another way to make sure you’re healthy. Sometimes this will even mean asking you to be careful what friends you keep up with.
    • For example: I have a friend I enjoy going out with, but she tends to be very needy and the night always winds up turning into a huge bitch fest where she complains about anything and everything and I in turn become very stressed out and depressed. Master Jason has told me on several occasions that he no longer wants me to hang out with her by myself. Recently, this became a private rule between the two of us. If she calls or texts me and asks me to come hang out with her, I am either to make certain there will be other people there too, or I am to set a time limit on our evening. Master Jason has not once told me to end the friendship with her though and I don’t believe he would, he wants me to be able to come to that conclusion on my own if it gets that bad, but he does want to make sure I understand why he doesn’t approve of my hanging out with her for too long and why he considers the friendship to be toxic.
  4. A Good Dom understands the importance of Aftercare. It is never “wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am” with sessions with a Good Dom. Sure, we have quickies, but that’s usually “just sex”.
    • In a scene a Good Dom knows that you have been brought up and down, to orgasm, through orgasm sometimes denied orgasm and then brought back to it again, over and over and over. In a scene, you are extremely vulnerable. The beauty of a successful scene is that you allow yourself to be vulnerable and allow yourself to trust someone enough to handle you and protect you, care for you, love you, while your defenses are down and the Dom gets off on being trusted with you while you’re in that state of mind.
    • A Good Dom understands that there may be tears, extreme joy and other strong emotions that flow through you for a while after a successful scene (and even more so after an unsuccessful one). Aftercare (usually, but not always, administered by cuddling or snuggling together) allows you to come through those emotions (also known as sub-drop) unscathed.
    • What’s more, is that there is such a thing as Top-Drop — where the Dominant is also going through strong emotions and he needs to know that you still respect him, are still loyal to him, still want to be with him after he’s made you so very vulnerable and even exploited that vulnerability for his sexual gratification. (And your sexual gratification.)
  5. A Good Dom knows that communication is key especially in this lifestyle. He knows that talking things out, discussing and understanding your views, your limits, your fears and your desires is the very core of how you will serve, how he will teach and how well you two will succeed in a relationship together.
    • This takes patience and work. Sometimes a submissive will require more work than the Dom can give her, and in those instances a Good Dom will let her know that they aren’t fully compatible. He doesn’t take on more than he can handle, because he knows that it wouldn’t really be beneficial to anyone if he did that.
    • A Good Dom may also require both of you to go through more painful parts of who you each are. This can be crap you’ve gone through in the past, this could be asking you (telling you) to seek counseling on certain issues, etc. He knows that if you are going to trust him with your vulnerability, he needs to be able to handle it. He also knows that if you can’t trust him with your emotional pain, then he probably shouldn’t trust you with his either. We all have some baggage, but if no one talks about it, then nothing really gets solved and no one learns to grow. Without communication, there will be no growth to your relationship.
  6. A Good Dom does not pretend to know everything about you.
    • He is not perfect and neither are you. You will both have to work at the relationship, it’s still a relationship after all. A Good Dom understand that. He can even understand you and sometimes it will feel like he knows you better than you know yourself… but a Good Dom doesn’t claim to fully understand everything there is about you either. This goes back to number five: communication is key. He doesn’t read minds, and you don’t either. He doesn’t always pick up on hints you drop, and you won’t always pick up on hints he drops. It may feel like you each know the other completely, but your both still learning and constantly changing…. if you’re not, you’re in a rut and no one likes hanging out in ruts.. not relationship ruts anyway.
  7. A Good Dom will check in on you during a scene.
    • This can be done verbally (and should be done verbally if you two are still getting to know each other). He may ask any variation of the following: “Are you okay? How are you doing? What color are you at?”
    • For couples who have played together longer this can be done simply by watching you react, reading your facial cues, listening to your breathing, etc.
    • A Good Dom may even end a scene before you think you’re ready. “No, if we keep going I will break skin, or bruise nerves that won’t heal properly” or “I think you’ve had enough, little one.” You may not enjoy hearing these things but your well being is HIS responsibility and you are his most valued possession. He knows where your limits are (because you’ve talked them out with him already) and he’s making sure that he doesn’t abuse the trust you’ve given him by breaking those limits. If you don’t want to be bruised for days but your pain tolerance is really high due to the endorphins and adrenaline running through you, you may not realize how hard he’s flogging you. A Good Dom is aware of this and will respect the limits you agreed upon before the scene started.
    • Most importantly for this one: if you have a safeword, and you use it, a Good Dom will STOP EVERYTHING, unhook you, untie you, bring you down, figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. 
  8. A Good Dom respects the safeword.
    • It does not end the relationship (because that would only cause you to fear ever using it). It only ends the scene. There are people who choose not to even have safewords, or think they aren’t needed. Clearly I am not one of these people. If I am bound up in intricate ropes and my arm starts to go numb, I need to be able to say so and quickly. For me, this means calling out my safeword and then explaining why I am using it. “RED SIR! My arm is numb!” or more frequently — “RED SIR!! Cramp! Cramp! CRAMP!! OWWWW”. I workout and I like to change up my workouts frequently. Sometimes I forget to drink extra water even though I find routines that make me sweat more. This causes my body, my muscles, to dehydrate and can quickly cause cramping. In my personal opinion, a Good Dom gives you a way out during a scene specifically for this kind of issue. For me, that’s the use of and respect of my safeword.
  9. A Good Dom does not pretend that you are his only option and if you choose to end the relationship, he will not make threats to force you to stay.
    • He may fight for you but not to the point of threatening you. He will let you walk out of his life forever if you want, even if it nearly kills him to do so because once a BDSM relationship is no longer consensual between both partners, it is no longer healthy. If the relationship is not consensual at all times, then it is not something he is interested in being a part of. You CHOOSE to submit to him, and in return, he fills a void that only the Dominant can for a submissive. If he forced you to stay, forced you to submit, literally and physically forced you… then he is abusive and therefore NOT a Good Dom.
  10. A Good Dom is honest to the deepest part of his being.
    • Honor, duty, loyalty, trust… these are things that are not only important to him, but things he strives to personify in other areas of his life. He prides himself on always doing the honorable thing, even if it costs him extra time to do so.
    • He requires the same high expectations of you that he does of himself. He will not flat out lie to you or deceive you or trick you into doing anything. He may tease you, he may joke around with you, but he knows where the line is and he stays far away from ever crossing it.
  11. A Good Dom is humble. He recognizes his own flaws and will gladly point them out to you time and time again.
    • “I am not perfect, I am far from it.” may be a common saying for him. “I can’t read minds, I need you to talk to me” is his way of reminding you that he may be good at reading you, but he still needs your permission, your confirmation, your trust and honesty as well.
  12. A Good Dom works hard to constantly enrich himself.
    • He seeks out new things, new lessons, new ways of doing things. He looks to learn about you, about new skills he can use (be they in the bedroom or outside of it), for new ways to help others.
    • He knows how easily he could become “set in his ways” and how simple it would be to stop learning, or claim that all change is bad… so he works hard to avoid that. Choosing to be sedentary in life breeds contempt and
    • Added to this, a Good Dom understands the importance of a well read mind, and the need to exercise it. Volunteering your time, skills or money to those less fortunate than you helps you to enrich your own life, a Good Dom gets that and encourages it. He knows that the lessons the poor can teach us are more valuable than any dollar could ever hope to be worth. He understands that helping others fuels an understanding of compassion, loyalty, honesty, self control, humility, and communication with others.

I know this is a lot of information and it sounds like I may be describing the “perfect guy” or the “perfect Dom”. You might be thinking “Well that person doesn’t exist, so I’ll settle for three of these things and ignore the other nine” this would be a grave mistake. And I mean that literally. To settle for less than what I have listed above can be the difference between life and death. A bad Dom may not kill you, but you may wish he had. Some part of your personality, your heart, your mind, some part of you will surely die a terrible and unnecessary death if you settle for what feels good now instead of waiting for what you need.

Don’t lose hope when you find that there seems to be more of the “wanna-be” types out there than the good guys. Good Doms do exist. I have seen them, I have spoken to them, I have many friends who submit to them, I have other friends who are Good Doms themselves. The problem is, people are not taking the time to get to know who exactly they’re getting in bed with before they climb in. They rush, worried that if they let this one go, there will never be another person out there for them. They jump into a commitment, beg for that collar and excuse any problems away claiming that they can “fix that later.” But it is easier to give in to something you’re not comfortable if you’ve already given in before. Allowing someone to use you and manipulate you that way, allowing them to get away with it…it’s not healthy.And by the time you realize your mistakes, you may be too damaged to try again for quite a while.

Master put is this way:

“Remember that BDSM is pretend. It is. We pretend that you’re a slave and I’m the Master, and we like to live that lifestyle, but the only reason it works is because both participants choose to make it work. Out of love. Out of mutual respect. The love and respect is what’s real, the bondage is an illusion. A healthy BDSM relationship is a healthy mixture of fantasy and reality.

Case in point: If you decided you’d had enough, and you didn’t want to be with your master anymore, you could leave. And nothing he said could stop you if that’s what you wanted to do.
And you know what else?
Nobody would hold it against you if you decided to do this. Nobody would say, “Oh, what a bad sub, leaving her Dom like that.” No. That’s not what the relationship is.”

Until next time,

–Autumn

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75 thoughts on “The Good Dom

  1. tracie November 21, 2012 at 12:50 AM Reply

    hello. I have recently entered a cyber dom slave relationshp. My dom is a good man except that he seems to have no care for my limits. I have to meet hs exact standards no questions askd or im out. He often wishes me to lash myself until i bleed and take photos 4 hm. i dnt like doing it bt i do it 4 hm. Is that okay or is it bad

    • autumn November 21, 2012 at 1:08 AM Reply

      Honey this is BAD. BAD BAD BAD. Your limits should be respected or there shouldn’t be a relationship to begin with. BEFORE YOU EVEN ENTER into a relationship with someone, you should discuss both your hard and your soft limits. Hard limits are things you REFUSE to do. Period. Soft limits are things you’re curious about doing, but not quite ready to do. It sounds like this guy doesn’t give a rip about your health, your emotional needs or your limits. You need him about as much as you need a bullet to the brain, NOT AT ALL.

    • His Little Pet November 21, 2012 at 7:36 AM Reply

      Then you need to get OUT of that relationship. That is not a “good man”. Sweetheart – there is a difference between a man who IS a Dominant and a man who is DOMINEERING. If he has no respect for limits, get out. You are a gift and a treasure and you deserve to be treated as such. If my Sir disrespected my limits, I would be gone. Please, please get out.

  2. angelbunny0606 November 21, 2012 at 3:07 AM Reply

    Traci,
    I agree with Autumn, your Dom doesn’t have your best interest.in mind. He is only out for himself. I suggest you find yourself a new Dom. One that will listen to you, teach you, and respect you. I also suggest you read more of Autumns blogs & posts, she knows what she is saying. I share her stuff with my Master, and we are New to this lifestyle, andthings are working out great. Maybe find a Dom near you. Good luck!

  3. Linda November 21, 2012 at 6:14 AM Reply

    i totally agree with Autumn’s blog. i used to have a Master like that, but at the time i didn’t realize what a true Dom He really was. i’m not really good at finding the right words sometimes, but take it from one who was there… never settle for less. you will wind up unhappy and that empty feeling inside you will eat away at you.

  4. His Little Pet November 21, 2012 at 7:34 AM Reply

    Preach it, sister!

  5. The Good Dom « His Little Pet November 21, 2012 at 7:41 AM Reply

    [...] The Good Dom. [...]

  6. His Little Pet November 21, 2012 at 7:41 AM Reply

    By the way…reblogged.

  7. Annie November 21, 2012 at 10:56 AM Reply

    Thank you for this. I am blessed to have a good Dom :)

  8. Cherry-blush November 21, 2012 at 8:36 PM Reply

    Beautifully written..
    It speaks so much truth :) xx

  9. Hexavier November 22, 2012 at 7:04 AM Reply

    I just found your blog today. This is an excellent blog post and i agree with you completely. I am actually one of the Doms you are describing. I like to tease my subs, but would never force them past there limits. When they submit to me they are giving me a gift and I cherish it.

  10. Brad November 25, 2012 at 12:16 PM Reply

    I loved reading this so much. I’ve been searching for a Dom to explore with, as I’m very new to this aspect of myself. I’m 28, never been in a Dom/sub relationship, and I’m still not; he and I are just exploring. He’s the only one in a long list of possibles that I’ve found that is, I feel, what I mesh with. And he’s everything in your article. He’s kind, he’s funny, he’s patient, so patient. I spent 5 hours at his place yesterday trying on different restraints to try them out, see what they feel like, if I like them, and he was so understanding and patient. I’m locked in a chastity (I’m male) device for a week, until I see him again, and I couldn’t be happier at the moment. I’m glad I found your post, this was a wonderful confirmation. Thank you.

  11. John C. November 25, 2012 at 4:06 PM Reply

    Just found your blog, (via Reddit). I just want to very simply say that you are absolutely on the right track with your message.

    J.

  12. Ken O February 26, 2013 at 4:31 PM Reply

    Thank you for that explanation. I have tried to find the correct way of enlightening someone very special to me what “this” is all about. She actually got me interested, but now I think she has some doubts? I just wanted her to realize this isn’t some 3 part book, and this is her choice. Thank you for the great words!!!

  13. suzyq275 February 27, 2013 at 11:16 AM Reply

    I loved this article! So very well said. It amazed me just how close this is to describing my Dom! Perhaps this is the site I should send those to who ask me constant questions about why I submit. But then again, they will still probably never understand just how comforting it is to have a person with these qualities even as just a friend… Thank you for such a wonderful article!

  14. Anne May 5, 2013 at 1:21 PM Reply

    I love the article it was just great! i am into being a sub and have been trying to get someone to be my dom, so far no-one has said they will. They all think i am a complete weirdo. i am only 19 years old and i think that they don’t think i am being serious.

  15. Chris May 12, 2013 at 2:05 AM Reply

    I am a Dom that has a slave who I love dearly even though I don’t see her as much as I want. I am one of those doms that is always reasearching what she is into and how I can make it safe for both of us. Sometimes she pushes my buttons just to see how I will react and when I do it’s patience, love, kindness, and understanding. Before we became a couple I spent 2 weeks just to get to know her and find out if she worked, had kids, what she wanted out of our relationship, what her limits are, what limits she doesn’t have, and so much more. Everyday I tell her that I am proud of her and proud of how much she has grown. She has made me a better master cause she will always let me know if she feels that I am slacking. Good Doms are out there but are to find cause you have to weed out the fakes first

  16. Kendall July 23, 2013 at 12:01 AM Reply

    I am very thankful I found this post months ago, I read it myself being a new sub and wanting to know a little more about my own Dom and what I should be watching for. Wonderfully enough, my Dom is all the good, unfortunately, I’m struggling with a friend that has a Dom/master that isn’t so nice, and has made me worry for her safety, remembering I read this I sent it to her, I only hope if this doesn’t help her open her eyes, I can help steer her in the right direction.

    Thank you for posting this. Truly.

  17. Lisa July 24, 2013 at 3:08 PM Reply

    Thank you for posting this. Very well said….I am proud to say that I have an amazing Dom/Master…you write as if you were speaking of my Dom (and I see others feel the same way) Guess we are the lucky ones. I’m not complaining…will just keep smiling.

  18. Dawn August 12, 2013 at 8:58 PM Reply

    This is very helpful information! I am wanting to become a Mistress. I figured to look for what a sub looks for and how I should be treat my sub. You are very insightful. I wonder if you or your master could email me and coach me to be best to my sub. He is also teaching me but I feel I should find out the how’s and what’s on my own and surprise him in our next session.

    • autumn August 12, 2013 at 9:48 PM Reply

      I’m glad to hear that you enjoyed the post :) Unfortunately, Master and I are not available for training new subs or Dom/mes. We’ve got our plates full as it is right now. But we are both very honored that you asked :) Thank you.

  19. Albert August 21, 2013 at 8:35 AM Reply

    Outstanding!!! This is the way I feel as I approach being a new Dom and even though it is not the stereotype it just felt right!!
    A Sub giving themselves to me I consider a great gift and don’t take the gift lightly or without appreciation. Until I read this I was wondering if I was not “hard” enough now I realize I am a commodity. Excellent article from an intelligent mind

  20. Master Ash August 24, 2013 at 1:29 AM Reply

    As a Dom myself it does my heart good to see articles like this. There are a lot of jerks out there who fancy themselves dominants, and they make it so much more difficult for those of us who work hard to connect and work with submissives on a level of deep mutual respect. Blog posts like these serve to educate inexperienced subs and Doms, as well as vanilla readers who may only see abuse. To all you submissives out there, don’t be afraid to be critical of your Dominant with the appropriate respect. There are two (or more) of you in your relationship, not just the Top. If He/She is the real deal they will stand up to your scrutiny with calm respect. Be safe and trust your instincts. There are lots of Dominants in the world, so don’t settle for less.

    • Anne James August 26, 2013 at 10:17 AM Reply

      Thank you this is very helpful I am a sub but realised that after the things I have heard/read about good Doms I found out that mine was not. He has scared me out of getting another Dom for a while but I will try to find someone who respects me soon!!! Thank you again

  21. Countrygirl September 25, 2013 at 8:09 PM Reply

    Thanks for this article! It is very helpful. Do Doms have more than one sub? Or do they just have one they partner with?

    • autumn September 26, 2013 at 7:37 AM Reply

      That depends entirely on the Dom. Some people are monogamous, some aren’t. This is part of why you need to talk everything through with someone before getting involved. It would suck if you were monogamous and he wasn’t or vice versa.

  22. Okin October 8, 2013 at 10:44 AM Reply

    I have questions, and comments as well. I know this post is about what makes a Dom a GOOD Dom, but what makes a sub a good sub? A good Dom is one that puts his sub first, but is it not also appropriate for a good sub to put her Dom first? Should there not be, ideally, a symbiosis? Where each is putting each OTHER first? My sub and I recently parted ways, and I’m trying hard to understand if over the course our partnership (and I definitely thought of it that way) there was anything I could have done differently. There are so many posts and philosophies that I’ve been reading that seem to suggest a relationship that is biased toward the needs of the sub, as opposed to mutual and equal meeting of needs. I gave my sub everything I could, for two years, and to my own detriment, but in the end she discarded me… You write, “Because when the day is done and the scene is over, he knows that you are the one that is really in control. If the relationship is not consensual at all times, then it is not something he is interested in being a part of. You CHOOSE to submit to him, and in return, he fills a void that only the Dominant can for a submissive.” I’m not not trying to be offensive, but I really do seek understanding and I’d like my question addressed with compassion; If the sub always comes first and always possesses veto power (which I have absolutely no problem with, just to be clear), how is this not a situation wherein the sub is really just Domming from below? Is a good Dom no more than someone committed to serving? Serving the needs of the sub? If so, isn’t it the Dom that’s really doing the submitting? Honestly, I seek enlightenment here. I’m just looking to respectfully gain perspective. Can you comment on this? Because in my recently ended relationship my sub’s feeling of entitlement to “service in the name of care” got so intense that I allowed her to give me less and less. She felt less and less obligated to respect my boundaries, to offer care back to me…. Before long, in the interest of “caring and guiding my sub” I was doing her dishes, cleaning her house, massaging her every day and not getting similar care in return. (And this wasn’t aftercare I was providing; she was in increasingly intense crises that had nothing to do with me, and felt justified in me forgoing care for ME…) I’m trying to be understanding, and be the best Dom I can, but I need some perspective… When I was young i was the oldest of five children, and took on many of the responsibilities of a grown up; protection and “fatherly guidance” suit me, but I’m trying to figure out what it/was in ti for me… I’d appreciate your comments. Thanks for you time. -Okin

    • autumn October 8, 2013 at 12:13 PM Reply

      I think you missed a sentence…

      “Notice I didn’t say what you want there. What you want and what you need are often two completely different things. A Good Dom will provide for your needs, and at his biding, reward you with your wants as he sees fit.”

      I think what happened in your relationship was two-fold. She started bullying you into doing what she wanted, and communication became something you only attempted to do when she was in a good mood. But that’s just a guess, and I could be wrong. It sounds as though she took this blog as not a guide-line to what makes up a Good Dominant, but the law written in stone. I am submissive, I have many flaws, and this post was not meant to be law when it comes to who makes for a Good Dom.

      My comment about choosing to submit is not based on if you think the Dom has done a good enough job or not. It was based on the fact that some people who call themselves “dominant” expect a sub to submit to them no matter what. They will even go so far as to force someone into doing their bidding. In other words, if you don’t submit to those kinds of people, they’ll make you submit to them anyway, usually by abusive force in one form or another. They’ll threaten to leave you with nothing, out you to your family, some even bring weapons to the mix and threaten or worse, do bodily harm. There is a huge difference between choosing to submit to someone and being forced to do so. That was my point with that comment.

      I have yet to write a blog post on what makes a good submissive, and I apologize for that. It is something that clearly needs to be done. I encourage you to read through this blog post again and pretend for a moment that your submissive was the Dominant here. That’s the role she basically took on when she started refusing to do things because you weren’t good enough in her book for her to do them for. I ask, do you think she would fit these items listed? It sounds as though she wanted to dominate and instead of discussing it with you, she just took over.

      Whatever the case, however it ended, and while I am sorry for your pain, I think you are honestly better without her. It will take time to heal, but you sound like the kind of guy who doesn’t give up easily. I respect that and I think you will be just fine. You’re doing your research and you aren’t even in a current D/s relationship. If that doesn’t scream “Good Dom” to you, then I’m not sure what else will.

      I will work on a post dedicated to what makes a good submissive. While waiting for that though, you can always check out the reading resources tab and read books from those far more advanced in BDSM than I am who are there to guide you as well.

      –Autumn

      • spurkyman October 8, 2013 at 6:18 PM Reply

        You’re definitely right; QUITE often I kept my mouth shut just to keep the peace… I know for a fact that she had done a great deal of research prior to seeking out a D/s relationship, though I have no idea if this is a source she utilized. I hope I didn’t sound disrespectful, or come across as though I think your post “broke us up” or anything like that. Not at all:) I think that with all the generally high percentages of disrespectful folks there are out there in vanilla situations it stands to reason that a post like could do a LOT of good for those desiring to become a Dom. Of course, who knows whether the people that really NEED to be reading a post like this actual ARE… But that’s another issue…

        And no need to apologize for not yet writing a post on what makes a good sub, though I would love to read and look forward to it:) And I have considered that she may have been engaging in some very subtle abuses… The was very sneaky about it, kinda like a cat stealthily creeping onto the bed… Thank you for your kind condolences; I very much appreciate them. She and I had a conversation toward the end, just after the end, actually, where she said that she had never considered that a Dom might benefit from a severing ceremony. Her thoughts were that a Dom didn’t necessarily have a right to a severing ceremony, but that if a sub desired it they DEFINITELY had a right to it, being that in her eyes the sub is “always more dependent and connected to the Dom, than the Dom is to the sub…” I do miss the better parts of the bond we once had, but I know you’re right; I am better off. It’s only been 7 weeks and she already has her next Dom lined up… That news kinds broke my heart when I heard it yesterday… But I digress. Thank you, again, for all your supportive and kind words:) -Okin:)

  23. LOVE3111 October 23, 2013 at 10:05 AM Reply

    I’M really new at all this i just starting to have a relationship and it seem like every time i say something he gets mad i am really trying to understand him just like last night i text him on the phone and he say to me what are u doing texting me i all ready told u night and u dont wait for me to logout be for u do then he say u al ready are not trusted i really dont no how to talk to him i dont want to say somethimg to make him mad

    • autumn October 27, 2013 at 1:41 PM Reply

      Sweetie, it sounds to me like you need to dump him. Based on what little you’ve told me about him, I can only assume that he’s not a dominant, he’s a loser who seems to be using and abusing you. You shouldn’t have to walk around on egg shells worrying about pissing someone off all the time.

      • spurkyman October 27, 2013 at 4:16 PM Reply

        That is precisely what I was thinking… and this: Why is it so difficult for good Doms to find good subs… Isn’t there some way, with all this tech we have access to, to find a way to connect good, respectful, earnest subs with healthy, Respectful, loving Doms? I guess we all have to just keep looking for our perfect matches:)

  24. Sturm October 29, 2013 at 12:36 AM Reply

    Heya, loved the post.

    I’ve recently started experimenting with the lifestyle a bit (the Dom side to be specific) and I have a potential sub (we’re really just experimenting with the whole thing right now) and last night, things got a little heated in the bedroom. I have given her safewords, and I know that she’s undisciplined/difficult/shy about certain things, so I tend to ignore “no” and efforts to get me to stop what I’m doing. However, I did say we won’t have penetrative sex unless she asks for it. The point is, I’m still very, very uncertain about a lot of things (I used to be super shy, lack confidence etc., so this is very new for me, and the success I’m having at times threatens to overwhelm me) and I suppose I’m looking for someone to talk things over with, give me an idea of what it’s like on the other side of the fence. All in all, regarding my experience, I think it went very well, there was no awkwardness or bad-blood in the car this morning. I know technically there’s supposed to be a question in this somewhere, but really I’m just looking for someone to discuss things with (it’s not a well-known kink where I’m from and there aren’t many, if any, I can mull things over with).

  25. confusedsubbie November 2, 2013 at 10:24 AM Reply

    Hi there, i need some advice.

    My Dom & I have been together for almost 3 years.
    We have loved eachother and I have grown so much as a sub under his guidance.
    A few short weeks ago he was saying how much he loved where we were at and how fullfilling it was to see his effortt pay off and that I had become his perfect sub.
    Over the last 2 weeks, not even, this has all changed. Now I apparantly his slave, I am not allowed to negotiate, and if i need a break or balk at something he wants me to do I am punished. , with accusations of me not being a “real” sub. He ebjoys enflicting physical pain, whichmost days I enjoy as well but there are days I’m tired, stressed or not in the right head space, which lowers my tolerance. I have simply asked for understanding with this but i get none. The other day he wanted me to do something we had never done before, and I panicked. Instead of being understanding he got dressed and left, while I was sobbing because I had disappointed him.
    The next day I get a message that if I ever hesitate again our relationship was over.
    I’m so confused. If he was so happy 2 weeks ago what has changed? I have become so terrified of him leaving if I make a mistake that its making me sick. Shouldn’t my feeling matter too?
    I know it sounds obvious that I should get out but I care about him so much, well i care about the person he was before this abrupt change.

    • autumn November 2, 2013 at 3:47 PM Reply

      I talked this one over with my Master and the major confusing factor for us is the fact that you’ve been together for nearly three years. Had you said “three months” we would have both assumed (based on the rest of the message) that this guy is seriously abusive. It’s standard practice: Lure in a subject with promises of a good relationship, and “show them how good it can be”. Then, take that away, leaving the subject desperate to somehow return to the way things were.

      However, you say you’ve been together for years and that this is a sudden change. I’m not sure what’s going on with him either, and the only thought that both Master and I have had is either serious injury (maybe a concussion recently?) or cheating. Possibly major stress, but the behavior is more abusive sounding than it is “I’m frustrated and yelling more often due to stress”. Not to mention the amount of time you’ve been together.. I’m sure he was stressed out at one point or another in the past three years and you handled it together.

      My advice to you would be to create some distance. Go spend some time at a friend’s or relative’s house for a few days, maybe even start looking for another place of your own until you can find out what his deal is and either get him to cut this shit out, or end the relationship.

      Whatever his reasoning, his current behavior sounds very wrong to my ears. “Do what I want or I leave, you have no say” is fun to role play, but only when both parties have already consented to that. Otherwise it’s just bad form.

      • confusedsubbie November 2, 2013 at 5:16 PM Reply

        Thank you for such a thoughtful reply :)

        We dont live together so taking some space is actually not a problem, if painful.

        He does have an extremely stressful job and can get moody when stressed, but nothing like this. It’s so hurtful to hear someone threaten you to leave just because you’ve made a mistake, or have had a harder time submitting on a particular day. It has made me feel so unvalued & unimportant. I feel like a good dom would punish a sub if warranted, then open a dialogue, then move forward, am I wrong? Not walk out on your sub when she is sobbing and obviously dealing with something. I felt…..abandoned.
        By him acting this way I feel like iths totally undermined my trust that he will look after my emotional welfare, and when you play in degrading ways that is essential. And if I can’t trust him I can’t submit on the level he wants me too, and then he gets frustrated & the cycle continues.

        Anyway, I’m just venting at this point, but thank you (both) for your kinds words & such a thoughtful & caring reply.

  26. Mistress Queen November 5, 2013 at 12:52 PM Reply

    Hi, I’ve been offered a NON-SEXUAL job as a professional dom. It is well-paying and I’d love to take it. But I’ve only been dominate with my fiance sexually. I really loved your article and was wondering how I could be a good mistress without adding the sexual relationship with my clients. Thank you c:

  27. Nadine November 17, 2013 at 9:02 AM Reply

    Hello, I had my first sub at 16. I was new and didn’t know any definite lines and I let this man draw them for me. I didn’t realize but I was forced and raped many many times over 7 months and told that my “no” didn’t matter and never given positive reinforcement. I know it is wrong but those events made me crave being forced and I know I orgasm the hardest when I am. I have found a new online domme who is very respectful of said things but she is trying to ween me off the force-crave for my safety. I’d like to know what things she can “force” me to do online for know so we can move our relationship further. Thank you.

  28. Anne James December 24, 2013 at 6:02 AM Reply

    Hi,
    I am a sub and I have recently finished my past relationship so have been thinking of joining a local club. When I was in my previous relationship my Dom he wanted me to kneel before him every time he entered a room. My question is do I have to kneel to all Doms when I go to this club even if I don’t know them or want them to be my Dom? I would really appreciate a reply.
    Thank You.

  29. Ando January 2, 2014 at 4:29 PM Reply

    This is the ideal I strive for with ever fiber of my being as a Dom.

  30. chitts_mcgee February 2, 2014 at 10:31 PM Reply

    Hello, thank you very much for the information. I just entered a dom/sub relationship last week and I’m not exactly sure if my dom is a good dom. Last week we agreed to the relationship. On Friday I wasn’t able to see him and told him I wasn’t able to meet. He seemed very upset and sent me an angry respond and stopped talking to me until I apologized. Our second meeting was me explaining my reasons of why I could not make it. I lied about where I was moving to and was punished for it. I received 5 lashes with the belt. And the next day followed by more so I know to behave. He bites me so hard my skin has broken and always leave with multiple bruises, along with scratches. I feel no pleasure from them and afraid to disagree to avoid him from being upset. Is this okay? Is he a good dom? What should I do?

    • autumn March 7, 2014 at 3:21 AM Reply

      What you are in is not a BDSM relationship, but an abusive one. I strongly suggest you end things. If you are so afraid of him that you refuse to even disagree with him on anything, it’s time to end the relationship before it gets really violent.

      He is not a Dominant, he is a jerk. A Dominant listens to his sub, respects her opinion, regards her as his treasure and treats her with love and respect just as she shows him in her submission. This guy you’re dating is not doing any of those things, he is bullying you into doing what he wants or telling him what he wants to hear. That is abuse and you deserve better than that.

  31. Chris February 9, 2014 at 6:42 AM Reply

    I would like to start out by telling a little bit about my D/s relationship. Me and my wife/sub are 26 and have been together for 9 years. We we have a relatively new D/s relationship that has given us a much stronger bond then our marriage! she has grown so much since the beginning of our relationship and for that I am proud of her! I haven’t always been dominate in our marriage and I don’t really care for punishing her but I know that it really benefits her and helps her grow into an even better mother, wife, and sub!! The only reason I was willing to start the relationship was to benefit her! When punishing her after breaking rules that WE have set in place in our contract I am cautious and don’t let my anger get the best of Me to prevent from hurting her mentally! I cherish her like a fine piece of art and study her like a fascinating book. I agree that the submission of a women is the finest gift one could ever receive and must be earned! If the Dom doesn’t always have her best interest at heart then she should leave the relationship and find a Dom that will respect her limits and work with her till she is where he wants her to be if she is willing! After a punishment I comfort her to show her that I care for and love her. There is a Dom for every sub it just takes patience and getting to know each other! As everyone has said communication is the key to a healthy loving D/s relationship!!

    In ending I would like to thank autumn for all of your blogs and helping us along our great journey!

  32. don March 11, 2014 at 1:36 PM Reply

    I found this interesting. Just recently my wife of 8 years confessed that she used to be a sub and that she wants me to get involved as her dom. I have no problem trying this but I am very new at it. I have been looking online dealing with this subject but the sites are so conflicting dealing with our roles. My wife has even found like a seminar with no sex involved to teach her how to be a better sub for me what would you recommend for us. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

  33. Kate Anderson March 16, 2014 at 6:47 PM Reply

    I’m a brand new sub, and I recently found a dom. I’ve been talking to him, and he seems wonderful. Patient, intelligent, etc. but he will not send me a picture of himself. He assures me he is very attractive and I will be pleasantly surprised.. He says it’s a test of trust. What do you make of this? He also has already asked if I’d let him collar me. We’ve been talking for two weeks.

    • autumn March 17, 2014 at 3:02 PM Reply

      It’s been two weeks…. That’s barely enough time to get to know the guy, let alone his fetish list. Not sending photos (especially in the information age) also sounds like a red flag to me. Not a big one, but a red one just the same. Online flirtation and domination can be fun, it can be intriguing. It’s new, it’s different, it’s exciting, but it’s still safe to be smart about it. I definitely wouldn’t allow him to collar you this early in the game, even if you had met and played around for two weeks, it’s only been TWO WEEKS. Get to know him, be it in a kink setting or just as a person. Talk to him, go over your limits (hard and soft) your desires, his desires, your fantasies, his fantasies, etc. You’re getting to know him as a Dominant and who you are as a submissive. You’ve had enough time to establish a strong lust for him, that’s awesome! But that’s definitely not enough to say it’s safe to jump in with both feet either.

      Also, I would have told him that trust, especially in a BDSM relationship is earned. Not freely given. You can’t turn it on and off like a switch (or at least, you shouldn’t) you have to let it grow. It can’t be forced. I’m sure he sounds awesome, patient, intelligent, etc…. but after only two weeks, anyone can sound amazing. It’s time that tests that, conversation that pushes the envelope, and getting to know someone better that gives you a better perspective on who they really are. Hell, my advice to my sister when she said she wanted to marry the guy she was dating was “Live with him first. You never know how many little quirks get on your nerves until you live with someone for close to a year first.” (Side note — she did take my advice, and the wedding is planned, but not for a while yet — she’s admitted to just not being ready for it).

      My point is, give this time. Your submission, your complete and total obedience to ANYONE should be worth much more than two weeks time.

      • Kate Anderson March 17, 2014 at 7:59 PM Reply

        Thank you!! This is so helpful. I’m happy to hear it’s not a big red flag. I’m talking to him about everything now. We’ll see how he responds. :) do you think him wanting to collar me so soon might be indicative of the kind of dom he will be, or do you think he might just be excited he’s finally found a sub he can see a future with?

  34. Michael March 16, 2014 at 7:32 PM Reply

    I am new to this. I tried to explain all my questions but apparently I had to many. I have a woman I love. More then life itself, who opened my eyes to feelings I knew I had but never acted on before. We are both new to this. But she trusts me and I want to be everything she deserves for that trust. But I feel like I am groping around blindly. Can anyone help me see how I can make our love and trust last for life? Can I get help to be the a good dom. For her. I can make her do what I want. But that is not what I want from her.I want to be her dom, And worthy to be so.

    • autumn March 17, 2014 at 3:10 PM Reply

      Kudos to you for understanding that “ordering her to do anything” and “having her respect” are not always one and the same. I think it’s hot that you want more than that. There are guys out there just looking for some chick to put up with their shit, not a deeper relationship that is also kinky.
      As for love and trust lasting for a lifetime, I don’t have a lifetime of experience yet to give advice fully here but I can tell you that communication and work and self-sacrifice are three key things I’ve found that help my husband/Master and I make it work.
      The scariest thing about something new is that it’s new. Therefore you don’t know all the ins and outs yet, but that can also be one of its most exciting features.
      There are many books out there (and even some free blogs like this one) that are dedicated to helping you figure out what you like, what you want to do and help you become the Dominant you want to be.

      Off the top of my head there’s a book called “The New Topping Book” that might help. To be perfectly honest, I haven’t read it myself, but I read the reviews for it on Amazon and they all repeated the same opinion “Basic stuff, good for beginners”. If I remember correctly it was a reasonably priced book as well.

      The best thing you can do is keep doing what you’re doing now: research. The more you read, the more opinions you gather, the more you can pick and choose what works for you and your submissive and the better you’ll understand where the two of you are and where you want to be. Other than that just talk to her. Ask her how she liked the last session, and if there’s anything she’d have done differently. Print off “BDSM play” worksheets that help outline what each of you want during your next session, or make them up if you can’t find any. (I found some great ones in the book “Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns” that outline everything.)
      It sounds like you’re well on your way to answering your own questions here, but that you feel like you’re not doing enough either. I think you’ll find that you’re doing better than you thought you were. If you’re a writer type, you could always start your own blog or Tumblr page and ask for advice there as well (tumblr in particular has LOTS Of information and photos related to BDSM — just make sure your “family settings” are turned off first).

      Good luck!

  35. natalia March 19, 2014 at 11:40 AM Reply

    My sub who is also my partner has rage issues and today i was doing our normal thing and saying normal things and he broke after saying he wouldnt keep threatening to cut off collar while enraged and put his ass in my face and hit me. Keeps telling me everything I do wrong though I do everything stated above. What should I do?

    • autumn March 19, 2014 at 11:43 AM Reply

      Honestly, I think you should end it. He needs to get counseling, go to anger management, find ways to deal with his anger and not use it to lash out at others. Until he does those things, the BDSM portion of the relationship (and possibly the entire relationship) needs to be on hold. I can understand your desire to help him through this and I think it’s a good idea to support him through it, but at the same time, if BDSM is causing flashes of rage, then he’s not emotionally stable enough to participate. It’s a tough call but it’s the right call.

  36. Dee March 26, 2014 at 12:31 PM Reply

    First, I would like to say that I have been interested in Dom/s relationships for a very long time, and I have never read 50 shades of grey, nor do I want to. I read Anne Rice’s sleeping beauty series when I was a teenager, and have thought of it often since. Why I didn’t get in to the lifestyle before is beyond me now, but I’m sure it’s because I was scared to submit. Now, I crave it. Unfortunately, I am married to a man who can’t get past missionary. I love him, and won’t leave him, but desperately need this. I feel like I’m dying inside without it…does that make sense? Anyway, I don’t know how to find my Master…but would love one like you described. And really, it’s just nice to talk about this with people who understand.

  37. Brenda Luque April 10, 2014 at 6:06 PM Reply

    Hi Autumn, id like to get in a dom/sub relationship but dont know where to look, I have heard of discrete groups but im not sure how I should start, I have just turned eighteen and im willing to wait for sometime but the sooner tbe better. Im afraid to look in the wrong places for bad doms, what would you recommend me and where should I look to find real good doms? I’d like to be a sub but im not sure where to start looking

  38. Tessa April 11, 2014 at 11:42 AM Reply

    How do i cope with the fact that my boyfriend doesn’t like rough sex. He likes it all to be slow and vanilla all the time. I recently told him thati like a different kind of sexual experience but he thinks it’s strange and that i will grow weary of that idea… but I’m growing hornier by the day. What should i do?

  39. brinabrady April 24, 2014 at 8:22 AM Reply

    When you have a friend who has a Dom, do you call their Dom Master Jay or whatever his name is?

    • autumn April 24, 2014 at 10:22 AM Reply

      No, you just call them by their name. You aren’t their submissive, nor are you in a formal BDSM setting. If you were at a formal setting (say a private party where everyone is expected to use titles) then that would be accepted (unless you’re also a Domme… then you just call the other Dom/mes by their names….) we’re fairly complicated that way :P

      General rule of thumb:
      If you aren’t that person’s submissive, you just call them by their name. Always. :)

      Red Flag Alert: If they INSIST that you call them “Sir Whatever” or “Madame So&So” even though they aren’t YOUR Dom/me then it raises some serious red flags.

  40. The Good Submissive | Serving Master April 24, 2014 at 3:05 PM Reply

    […] two years ago I wrote a blog post titled “The Good Dom” that explains what I believe makes a good Dominant. I have been asked many times to write a […]

  41. tracy May 3, 2014 at 1:30 PM Reply

    I love my dom, I’ve met him once, he is kind respectful, considerate, controls himself but do I tell him

  42. RodMcBan May 7, 2014 at 2:38 PM Reply

    So true! I love this article, I’ll read it and re-read it often. As a beginning dom, I am so pleased to see someone describing exactly what I am striving to be for her… I love her so much :D
    Love and respect to all

  43. MissUUU May 25, 2014 at 8:59 AM Reply

    Submission/Domination are equally special.
    The above comments made me sad that these girls let the abusive guys take hold in such a destructive way.
    In my experience i had alot of inner/growth soul searching myself before even entering into a D/s relationship.
    In the right dynamics, the care giving should be constant by the Dom (if true) to help the sub release inner fears/push boundaries and reach the potential they see in their sub.
    Would you advice a friend in a simular situation to stay in the relationship. D/s or not?
    The submissive gives up her control, as the complete trust and bond allows that, the respect should also be their.
    Any Dom saying you are to have no limits or safe word are wasters. In time the play may allow that aws you will learn to react to each other but bnot within the first few playtimes.

    Also the Dominant should encourage you to safe word (at the start), you should not be put into fear of disapointment as you are new/learning.

    Some people have yellow as a pre-safe word so the Dom can check your ok within a new scene.

    Research, learn, evolve, remember your self-worth.

    Stay safe, sane and consensual.

    MissUUU

  44. pretty_kitten June 6, 2014 at 1:37 PM Reply

    I agree with and love this article, I just started in the lifestyle in January and a good Dom contacted me to start an Master/slave relationship so we talked a while then I agreed. I was and still am ready for all that it entails but it seemed He was not, and just this last week I broke it off with Him because during scenes He was great, perfect, caring, all the great things. But during other times, if I was having a bad day and wanted to talk, He didn’t want to hear it, over almost anything. The response was more than not “Why are you talking about something that you can’t change? Just think positive and move on.” He was abrupt, seemed bothered that I would bother Him with my stress for what was happening, He’d try to fix things, I had to come out and say ‘I don’t need You to fix things for me, many times, I want to talk because when something negative happens, You are the first person I think of going to because I care about You and what You have to say.” But even after this, it was still the same. He would give me lame excuses to not see me for 2 weeks at a time, with no reasoning even after telling me that He would not let me go that long without seeing Him because it wasn’t good for me. So He went back on His word. Then texted me how much He wanted me to come over so He could do such and such to me so I would say ‘Absolutely Sir, I can do that today’ Then he’d back peddle out of it fast. I felt rejected, uncared for, that my feelings were not important at all. I couldn’t deal with the negative impact in between sessions any more. I still feel bad and I have no outlet right now but I think it was the right thing to do. A friend who is a Domme said that He was probably getting feelings for me and that scared Him so that’s why He pushed me away like that but in turn He knew it would force my hand to break up so He didn’t have to. I am very sad about this and wish it didn’t have to happen. I do love Him but He isn’t letting Himself be open to anything more than physical play regardless of suggestion an M/s relationship.

    Still sad and heartbroken.

  45. Tara June 14, 2014 at 5:28 AM Reply

    I am so glad I found this article today. I am very new to the lifestyle, and I have been doing as much research as possible the last couple of weeks. This is by far my favorite article I have found. Today will be my first full official day as His sub, and this article has made me feel better equipped for the journey ahead. Thank you!

  46. Kitten June 28, 2014 at 7:36 PM Reply

    Thank you for your post. I am a submissive, although I’ve not been in a D/S relationship for many years. I was lightly introduced to the lifestyle by my ex-husband and became fascinated. For many reasons unrelated to BDSM, that was an unhealthy, abusive relationship and i left him. When I did, I sought counseling. I told my psychologist that I had a history of relationships with unhealthy men, as well as other issues, and wanted to learn to love myself and treat myself with respect – make healthier decisions. Through the course of my therapy the experiences with BDSM came out. Long story short – we entered a 3 year off and on D/S relationship that extended beyond the end of my therapy. I reported him to the Licensing Board – he lost his license and his job as well as his wife – our relationship continued after that. One evening, I allowed him to brand me with a knife. I have not had contact with him for many years, but the effects continue to impact all aspects of my life. He was a good Dom in so many ways – he sounds a lot like the guy in your article – but he was a bad Dom because as his patient I was incapable of providing consent.

    I am back in counseling now with a wonderful, ethical psychologist who is helping me work through this – as well as other issues. He is also helping me understand that the relationship was not unhealthy because it was D/S… it was unhealthy because it was with my therapist.

    There are parts of me that are afraid of returning to the BDSM lifestyle but then there are parts of me that long to return. I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready, but I believe that day will come. In the meantime, I’ve enjoyed looking through your website and thank you for the service you provide. Blessings.

  47. beingsirsgorgeous July 1, 2014 at 5:51 PM Reply

    I love this article! Reading through it, I found myself nodding along, and feeling so very fortunate that I found a Sir who actually embodies those characteristics. He’s one of the best men I’ve ever known, and I trust him completely because of that. Of course, I didn’t realize those were the characteristics I was seeking until I wound up here, reading this, but they’re exactly what I’ve found. I’m very lucky.

  48. Kitten July 7, 2014 at 9:21 PM Reply

    I have recently entered a “true” BDSM relationship. But tonight was different. We used tonight was a relase for some very painful things I have experienced recently. And as abusive ” and I say that in a very willing way, I enjoyed this” as he was being, he would stop
    And kiss my forehead, wipe away my tears. He told me nothing that person said to me held any ground. That outside of this situation I am an amazingly strong woman. So my confusion. I have never had this. He told me you should alway show your sub love. Beacuse you do. Is this a normal thing? I’ve never been this serious into the role before and I’m trying to understand. Thanks

    Kitten

  49. […] From the Serving Master Website: […]

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