BDSM and Parenting

How do you make it work?! You have kids for crying out loud! Don’t they hear you? Don’t they ask why Mommy is crying? Or do you only scene when they are out of the house?

I have two daughters: Bella and Star. Both from previous relationships. Neither of their biological fathers are involved, and up until this point, I had told the girls that mommy didn’t need a man, I was doing just fine on my own. When Master and I first started this relationship, we talked about how the girls were going to handle a lot of things. Master lived in New York state, and at the time, the kids and I were in North Carolina. Moving in with Master meant moving more than 700 miles north, to a city I’d never been. New schools, new friends, new places, new weather patterns… it was a lot to take in and Master wanted to make it as smooth of a process  we knew it was going to come up.

Both girls had “met” Master through web chats via Skype. I would cook dinner or bake cookies while they sat at the table and asked him questions. Bella has a love for math and Master would give her difficult problems and see how she handled them. Star was more into just asking as many questions as she could possibly think of. She wanted to know if there was snow in New York and if so how much. She wanted to know if she could go sledding, and if Master (the girls called him Jason) would help her with homework. She and Bella would come up with new questions to ask, things to talk about and math problems to show off whenever they weren’t talking to Master.

They would ask me as soon as I picked them up from school “Are we going to get to talk to Jason on the computer today?!” They loved him already and they would glow with pure joy at the mere mention of his name. For six months Master spent time getting to know the girls as best as he could over skype. When moving day came, he took a train down to North Carolina and spent the weekend with us before it was time to pack up the kids and send them to my mothers.

I moved to New York on my own June 7, 2010. I left the girls with my mom for the summer (she’s also in North Carolina) and called and visited them often. I wanted to make sure that this relationship was going to work before moving the kids so far away. They usually spent a few weeks with Nana anyway so this wasn’t a big change for them. I missed them terribly but at the same time, I think the ability to get some of the early kinks worked out of our relationship helped strengthen the bond between Master and I.

For example, getting to meet his mother (a whole different blog post, she’s horrid.) on my own before introducing the children, helped me know how to handle both the girls and myself when that time came. Getting to know the lay of the land, and where things were, and lining up doctors and dentists and fun shopping trips (called Mommy/daughter bonding time) was easier without them in tow.

One of the things that Master and I discussed was our lifestyle and how that would affect the girls. Master made a rule “All questions will be tolerated and answered age appropriately” just for handling the girls and their questions. After about 45 days, both the girls and I were tired of being apart. Master and I drove down to North Carolina and picked them up and drove back. It was a long, fun, adventurous 15 hour drive.

There were many times on that trip that I would lose my patience and start to snap and Master would give me a sharp look that said “Calm down and let me answer their question.” without having to actually say anything. I would pout and focus on the road. Bella, my scholar, picked up on this quickly. “Mom, how come you let Jason tell you what to do?” she asked, looking at both of us with a hint of pride for having figured it out and for having the guts to ask such a question. At this point she’d realized that Jason was answering every question they had come up with and that he was not letting me reply with normal “mom” answers like “Because I said so.” or “I just do” lol.

I look at Master and he looked back at me, then I turned to Bella and simply said “Sometimes, it’s just easier to let someone else make the decisions.” Maybe when she’s older if the question comes up again we can explain how in every relationship one person is more dominant than the other, be that with your friends, coworkers or whomever. But for now we thought we’d answered the question adequately. We should have known that Star would have a follow up question. Star doesn’t beat around the bush. She’s bright and blunt and full of hope and adventure. She turned her big brown eyes to Master and said “Are you going to be our Daddy?” and then looked at her sister for encouragement. Bella piped up with “We’ve wanted a daddy for a long time.”

I think Master and I both sucked in air at that one. Of all the questions we had prepared for, we hadn’t thought of that one and how we would answer it. We had to go with a “mom answer” for it. “We will see.” I said. “I’d like to be your friend, if that’s okay” said Master. I nearly rolled my eyes. I’d always hated it when adults said that to me when I was a kid, but then my girls are much better behaved than I ever was. Master changed the subject quickly by pointing out a McDonald’s down the road and asking who wanted ice cream (always a great way to distract children by the way).

The second night we were in the new apartment the girls had about a million questions about the noises coming from our bedroom. I had already explained sex to them in very basic, very boring terms. So naturally Bella wanted to know why we didn’t “sound bored” during sex. And why we were even having sex when Nana said we should wait till we are married. And as soon as the girls realized this line of questioning was making Master nervous (two little girls asking him about sex was extremely awkward for him and he kept saying “I’ll step out so your mother can explain it to you”) they had even MORE questions for him.

Being their mother, I could tell they were just enjoying making Master flustered and blushing and bumbling for the right way to explain things. It was adorably funny. “Alright, ladies, that’s enough. No need to make poor Jason any more nervous than he already is.” I said, quickly ending the non-stop questions and announcing bedtime. Master sat in the door of the girls’ room and read a chapter or two of Harry Potter as they fell asleep. I sat in the living room checking emails, listening to him read and falling more and more in love with him.

Over the past two years, the girls have had many questions, comments and thoughts about the relationship Master and I have. For every question they have, we have been honest in our responses. If they seem to not understand something fully, we would bring up Wikipedia (thank you wiki for always having the scientific and usually boring answer for things!). When they wanted to know how babies were made, and if Mommy was going to be pregnant (I’m not, my tubes are tied) and then why Mommy couldn’t have any more babies, we turned very quickly to Wikipedia. They have pictures of basic drawings of the reproductive organs, and where the ovaries are located and so on and so forth.

This provided us with a simple answer without graphic detail or fear that they would repeat much of it to friends at school. When asked about why I addressed Jason as Sir, or sometimes Master we would say “Out of respect.” No matter how hard you try, your kids are going to over hear something or see something you may not want them to know about just yet. We tried very hard to keep the “Master” and “slave” talk to the bedroom, but thin walls in apartment buildings were not made for secret keeping.

About a six months of living in New York, Bella handed Master a drink he had asked for and said “Here you go, Master” and then looked at me for approval. “Uh, that’s kind of my nickname for him, sweetie” I said. She looked heartbroken. “I don’t have a special nickname for him” she pouted. I looked at him for help and he turned her towards him and said “Well, if it’s okay with you, why don’t you just call me Jason?” she pouted bigger. Master said “Well let me talk to mommy for a moment.” and sent her out of the room.

We had already been discussing the “what if we get married” and “what if we break it off” parts that most couples go through. We covered how it would affect the girls and what the long term plans were for this relationship. Master had already offered to adopt both girls, so that no matter what happened in our relationship, he would be a constant in their lives and he would have the security in knowing that the girls would be cared for, both financially and emotionally if he and I didn’t work out. “We could tell them our plans.” he said quietly. I nodded, unable to speak because I was already welling up. I knew how my precious girls would take this, and I was too happy, too full of love for both my girls and this man who was so willing to be a part of our lives.

He called the girls back out and said “What do you think about me being Daddy?” Bella held her breath and waited. Star fidgeted where she stood. “I would like to adopt you, so that no matter what happens with your mother and I, you always have a father.”  Bella gasped, said “Ohhhhh” and then burst into tears and hugged him. Star jumped over to hug him too, tears streaming down her cheeks. We sat there, on the couch, four crying people, suddenly a family.

There have been times where the girls would hear me crying after a punishment and want to know what was wrong. I usually tell them that I hate being wrong or not getting my way and I was crying because of it. They would ask a little fearfully if Daddy was hurting me and I would smile and say “Only when I ask him to”. We’ve talked to the girls about how some people like a little pain mixed with pleasure. I came up with a great way to explain all sorts of relationships to the girls by using the “vanilla” idea.

“Some people just LOVE vanilla ice cream. It’s all they eat when they get ice cream. But even though vanilla is one of the most popular flavors it’s not the only flavor. Some people like to add nuts or candies to their ice cream. Some people like to add different flavors. Some people don’t even LIKE ice cream so they get fruit sorbet instead. The same thing can be said for relationships. Like vanilla ice cream, marriage between a man and a woman is the most popular flavor, but it’s not the only flavor. Some people like a little spice added to their relationship, like spankings, or pulling hair, or light bites. Some people are a little nuttier and they like the added texture of playing pretend and calling each other silly names. And some people, don’t like marriage at all or aren’t ready for it, so they have fruit sorbet or just live together first instead.”

I thought it was a great description, so much so that I’d written it down later on to keep it fresh and fall back on for explaining our relationship to others. But of course my girls just wanted to know if they could have ice cream and did they have to have fruit sorbet or could they get chocolate with sprinkles. Ice cream has become a staple in this house. Lol.

I think the main thing that makes our relationship with each other, as well as our relationship with the girls a success is our willingness to just be open and honest. In fact, the other night when Master and I had a HUGE fight (I fought, he was mind numbingly patient which just made me more furious) and it woke up the girls, I was quick to be honest even then. “Mommy, why do you and Daddy fight so loud?” Star wanted to know. “Sometimes, when you love someone as much as I love your Daddy, it’s really easy to get super mad at them and want to throw things. Much like you and your sister when you fight. You know you love her, but she can make you SO MAD sometimes.”

“Like when she won’t help me build rooms on minecraft?” Star asked. I laughed through my tears and told her that yes, it was very much like that. Mommy hates to not get her way, and there was something I wanted that Daddy said no to, so I got mad and I yelled. I explained that it wasn’t right, and that I knew it wasn’t right but that sometimes I just get too mad to remember how to act right. She understood that and I kissed her and tucked her back into bed.

There was another time that Master and I were in the middle of a scene and Star knocked on the door. It was nearly 3AM and Master and I just paused and stood still, unsure if we’d actually heard a knock. “Mommy?” Star asked from the other side of the door.
“Yes, Star?”
“Can you guys keep it down? I’m trying to sleep!” she said, her little voice demanding and cranky.
This sent Master and I into a fit of giggles. We apologized and said that sure, we would keep it down. I still laugh at the memory of that one.

And of course, kids love to brag about how weird their families are. We’ve had issues where Bella would bring friends over and say “And this is my mom. That necklace isn’t a necklace, it’s a collar. It’s like a wedding ring for her neck. It tells all the other men that Daddy owns her.” My face went about 10 shades of red as I introduced myself to her friend, and the parent of her friend standing behind her.

Kids these days.

So when it comes up in your relationship, when someone asks you how you plan to handle BDSM and parenting, my suggestion is to do the same thing you do in your relationship; be honest, communicate thoroughly, be willing to do extra research on the topics, questions and comments your children will have, and again, be honest. Children don’t need the dirty details. They just need to know that everyone is safe, that everything is stable and that this makes their parents happy. At the end of the day, that’s all they want, stability and happiness.

Until Next Time,
–Autumn

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33 thoughts on “BDSM and Parenting

  1. Richard Penrose November 28, 2012 at 5:33 AM Reply

    I’m very impressed with how you handled the situations as they came up both openly, honestly and with great sensitivity to everyones feelings, bravo.

    • autumn November 28, 2012 at 6:30 AM Reply

      I don’t see the point in lying to the kids. They’re going to Google whatever I say anyway, I might as well be as upfront and honest about it as I can. Lol. And you can instruct kids NOT to look at things or question them, but if they have a smart phone, friends with smart phones or access to a computer at all, you can bet their looking up their questions. We’d rather be the source of information for our girls, and help teach them the proper way to USE tools like the internet. Instead of leaving it up to them to figure out. I want my girls to trust me as much as I desire to trust them. I can’t ask for either if I start lying to them.

  2. Linda VanDeusen November 28, 2012 at 6:27 AM Reply

    what a precious story!! kids can be so funny! they seem to have their own take on things and how to explain them!! i am so happy that things worked out so well with your kids and your Master. Not all blended families work so smoothly. :)

  3. Jennifer November 28, 2012 at 9:26 AM Reply

    This is a wonderful way to explain things to a child. I will make sure that I show this to my Master tonight as this is something we have struggled with trying to explain parts of to a 7 year old. He loves to ask questions and not always in the privacy of our home.

    • autumn November 28, 2012 at 9:27 AM Reply

      Lol kids LOVE to ask the most difficult to answer questions when you’re out in public, don’t they?

  4. belovedahava November 28, 2012 at 11:02 AM Reply

    I enjoyed reading this, I recently wrote a post about parenting and living this way, and had a woman comment that the children couldn’t consent to seeing this, and it was abuse. And, I keep the parenting and the d/s aspects quite far apart, I don’t say or do anything in front of them I would mind them repeating in public, or in front of their father while they visit. We’re quite subtle. I’ve been debating on if I should respond to this, but I definitely knew I needed to give it some time for me to think, otherwise, Iwould have flown off the handle, which probably doesn’t give credibility to my assertion that I am in no way, and never have been, abusive to the kids.

    • autumn November 28, 2012 at 11:05 AM Reply

      I would reply with “Do they consent to eating their veggies? Doing their homework? Going to church (if you take them)? Or doing chores? No. They don’t. They do it because you are the parent and it is your job to raise well rounded, mature and respectful adults. You may not agree with my ways of parenting but please don’t jump to the conclusion of abuse before you consider all the other things you *force* your children to do.”

      • belovedahava November 28, 2012 at 11:10 AM Reply

        Autumn, I have a draft of my reply, and that is exactly the sort of thing I did write. Children don’t really get to consent to anything. So, me making them wear a coat in the cold, eat broccoli, or grounding them from video games is not abuse.

        There was also a comment about how can I teach them all people are equal if Husband is the boss of me. Ummm…the same way I teach them all people are equal, even though they know Husband is the boss at his work and has a team of guys he is in charge of, they are all of equal worth as people. But Husband is still the boss.

  5. Alli November 28, 2012 at 3:01 PM Reply

    Your posts are so honest, well written, and informative. Look forward to reading every day.

    • autumn November 28, 2012 at 3:03 PM Reply

      Thank you <3

  6. Virtual Virgo November 28, 2012 at 4:07 PM Reply

    Thank you so much for sharing. I’m new, and I love your posts.

    • autumn November 28, 2012 at 4:16 PM Reply

      You’re welcome! Thank you for your comment <3

  7. Rhonda November 28, 2012 at 4:16 PM Reply

    Hi Autumn,
    I love today’s blog post. It is so great to see parents that put forth the effort to raise well rounded happy kids. Unfortunately it seems people just don’t have the time these days. o_O
    Keep up the great work!
    Rhonda

    • autumn November 28, 2012 at 4:19 PM Reply

      Thank you!! <3

  8. EmmyExtreme November 28, 2012 at 10:43 PM Reply

    While I appreciate the way that you’ve handled your situation, and I don’t know the age in which these children were being exposed – if there are people who wonder, there are plenty of ways to have a bdsm relationship while not exposing your children to hypersexual situations at too young of an age. I have many many close friends who have children and bdsm relationships including polyamorous relationships and have excellent ways of not exposing their children to it. They chose the age 14 to be the age to answer any questions with informative honesty instead of the standard parental responses.

    I’m extremely open sexually and very immersed in the BDSM culture in both a private and a public setting, but I personally don’t plan on informing my children until I believe they can handle it.

    Kudos to you though.

    • autumn November 28, 2012 at 11:06 PM Reply

      Oh boy, lol I can completely understand how you could come to that conclusion. I had no idea today’s post was going to be SO popular! Please understand that my children are both pre-teens, Bella is 12, and Star is 10.

      I don’t think of my relationship as hyper-sexual but I can see how that might have come across to new readers. Thank you for pointing that out!

      Master and I (and I only call him “Master” in the privacy of our bedroom, or when the kids are sleeping or out of the house, otherwise he is “Daddy”, “Jason” or “Sir” depending on the context of course), I digressed…
      Master and I are fairly *normal* as far as married couples go. I prefer jeans and t-shirts, he prefers khaki’s and polo’s. We are your typical marriage. It’s not like we scene (act out sexual acts or BDSM moments) in front of the girls.

      The only thing we do in front of the girls is answer questions IF they have any. We don’t sit around the dinner table going over my list of daily chores and discussing the latest blog post I’ve written. In fact the girls don’t even know I HAVE this blog. it is not linked to my private FB profile.

      Oh and I put “normal” in quotes because the only odd thing about us (and the biggest topic around here) is that we happen to be atheists living in southern Texas. That raises more eyebrows than my necklace (discrete collar) ever has. <3 Thanks for your points, I should have thought about that, but again I didn't have a clue about how popular this post would be! It just went viral on me and I feel a bit like it's all spinning out of control lol.

  9. bikemedic November 28, 2012 at 11:25 PM Reply

    oh my gosh!!! I teared up, big man tears, while reading the part where he asked the girls if they wanted him to be their daddy!!! oh my gosh!!!!!!!

    more tears!!!

    an amazing and beautiful story.

  10. bikemedic November 28, 2012 at 11:27 PM Reply

    Oh my gosh!!! Such a beautiful story!!

    I cried lots of tears and laughed in the middle of them while reading the part about Him asking the girls if they want him to be their daddy. So beautiful!!!!!!

    • autumn November 28, 2012 at 11:28 PM Reply

      Awww <3 thank you <3 I admit I tear up when remembering that moment. It was and still is such a beautiful thing when the love of your life accepts you AND your children. <3

  11. April Smith November 29, 2012 at 12:56 PM Reply

    Thank you for this. I too am a submissive married to my master. We have been together almost 14 years, but only fully BDSM for the last 6 or so. we now have two young boys soon to be 4 and 2. I already had some ideas for explaining things as they got older. We also have a girlfriend, who used to live with us as well as her 4 kids. We had told that we loved thier mom and them (the oldest 2 kids have a gay father so they understand mom being bisexual). although we have decided we will not live with our girlfriend any more (long story but we all need our own space), she will remain a part of our and our kids lives as we do in hers. with the kids being so young, it has been fairly easy to just wait until they are in bed, and they aren’t into asking questions yet, but you have given me some great ideas.

    • autumn November 29, 2012 at 1:01 PM Reply

      Just make sure they’re really asleep first, and that your door is locked anyway. Since this blog post went live I’ve been messaged and emailed different stories from different parents about embarrassing moments where little ones found out or found something left out, etc. And you should get a padlock for your “treasure chest”. Master has plans to make a bigger one for our stuff, but if you don’t know how to do that kind of thing the local hardware store should be more than happy to help. (Home Depot even sells a “chest” kit that comes with all the tools needed to build one yourself) You can stain it to match your furniture in your room too :)

      We didn’t even THINK about locking ours until a friend was baby-sitting and looking for extra blankets (she assumed they would be in the chest at the end of our bed). Lol. Thankfully she was already aware of our lifestyle but it lead to endless teasing on the subject anyway.

  12. lilyjaneb December 16, 2012 at 9:18 PM Reply

    Thank you so much for your post. My son is only 15 months old but my Husband and I wonder daily about how we will explain things (especially loudness) to him as he gets older. Love your graceful way of communicating. :)

  13. Samantha Carter February 7, 2013 at 10:02 PM Reply

    Wow hun this made me cry a little. I never had a father so thats amzing that he was willing to do that. It’s not athing many men would ever do. Also it helps me understand that when the time comes how me and my slave with explain things to our daughter. I love your blog I am a Dom-Madam-sometimes he calls me Mistress…So it is nice to get to read something from a subs point a view. Love your Blog keep is up hun!

    • autumn February 7, 2013 at 11:04 PM Reply

      Thank you for your kind words! I had a dad, but he was abusive and I probably would have been better off if I didn’t have one.
      To have found someone who cares about my children to such a degree that he adopts them as his own, works hard to help undo the damage their absent bio-dads have done and make sure they know how much he loves their mom (me), takes my breath away. I know I lucked out, he knows he lucked out too (after all, the kids and I are awesome too!)

      Thank you again, for reading my blog, taking time to comment and letting me know you enjoy it <3

  14. Professorpat February 16, 2013 at 1:43 PM Reply

    How are you going to respond when your kids start Googling on Lake Havasu+Britanny+arrest+dog?

    • autumn February 16, 2013 at 3:12 PM Reply

      That’s a fairly specific search. I’m going to generalize it a bit to answer the question fully though.
      No matter WHAT my children choose to google, the important thing is that they feel safe in discussing their findings with their father and I. If those lines of communication between parent and child break down, then it is a grave mistake on _my_ part.
      My children are allowed to search ANYTHING they choose to search. (And at this stage in life they are now 10 and 12 years of age, so they’ve probably searched everything from “Two girls one cup” to “Animal abuse” to whatever).
      The internet is a tool, it is not a toy (though we can use it for both at times). My job as a parent is to make certain that they feel comfortable in discussing any subject with me. Some things in life can not be forgotten easily, google searches not withstanding. They are children, they are on the cusp of teenager-hood (is that even a word?) they are GOING to look up things I’d rather them never know about. In today’s world, information is easily obtained, and to forbid them from searching any term would most certainly cause them to search it anyway, but scare them away from ever discussing it with me.

  15. Barbara February 23, 2013 at 11:23 AM Reply

    I found you through fb and I read your blog. I have to say I just loved it, Master and I just recently got married but we have been together for five years and have two girls. Our daughters are three and one and your post has helped us out for when they get older. My oldest Abby already got into our toy chest so you are right we did need to get a lock for it.. Even now she does repeat and ask questions so we do try to be honest though she doesn’t understand yet but loves when we do talk to her about it and answer her question. I wish you the best of everything and much love to your family. Thank you for the blog and this post.

    • autumn February 23, 2013 at 10:02 PM Reply

      Thanks, Barbara :) I learned about the need to lock our toy chest when Bella was a year old and tried to go through it once. I was folding laundry and she was playing with her toys and I heard this odd buzzing noise. Turned to see her with a battery operated toy that she had managed to turn on. I freaked out (thank fuck I wash everything before putting them away) and stopped folding laundry long enough to run to Home Depot and buy a lock lol. It’s been happily locked and childproofed ever since (though we have had to upgrade the size of the box a few times lol)

  16. Trey September 18, 2013 at 12:30 AM Reply

    what lovely self serving claptrap. If you did not think your life style damaging to the youth you would not have to hide it. So keep telling yourself its ok.. while at the same time acting in the way that SHOWS it is quite dangerous to people.

    • autumn September 18, 2013 at 2:18 PM Reply

      While I applaud you for reading an article that clearly makes you uncomfortable to think about, I encourage you to think about other things that people choose not to do in front of children.

      For example, we wouldn’t masturbate in front of children, we wouldn’t have sex in front of our children. We don’t involve our children in marital spats either. We choose not to involve our children in those activities because they are private, not because they are dangerous.

      At the same time though, if your child comes to you to ask why you and Daddy were fighting about money, you should be able to answer them honestly and encouragingly. The same can be said if they start asking questions about puberty or sex, or even religion.

      You choose what information and how much of that information your children will have about any given topic. That doesn’t make you a bad parent, that makes you responsible.

  17. Tim September 30, 2013 at 9:03 PM Reply

    I am a new Dom and find your site to be very interesting and educational as it gives me an insight into what my wife (sub) might be thinking and going through as a homeschooling mother of 8.
    We are having a lot of fun learning the ropes (so to speak) of BDSM and I can say that your words are inspiring. From an inexperienced Dom (but experienced husband and dad) would like to say that you and your husband seem to be doing a fine job, both in and out of the bedroom. Keep it up and thank you for sharing with us.

  18. Cynthia Serratos March 19, 2014 at 3:36 PM Reply

    Loved this post we have 3 at home under the age of 6 its pretty difficult at times but this really helped us both

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