There are times in our lives where being the dominant one is required of us. Sometimes our Dom/me is stressed out and just needs someone to guide them, help them through the stress and even order them to eat, sleep, relax, etc. Other times you have to be dominant in standing up for yourself, speaking up for others who can’t or won’t speak up for themselves. A submissive is not submissive 100% of the time. In fact, in my personal life, I am rarely submissive. I tend to be more dominant in every area of my life except when it comes to serving Master, and I am only submissive then because I choose to be.
Moving has practically forced me to put on my Domme boots. I am the one who made all of the appointments, hotel reservations, contacted the moving company, signed any and all paperwork, and made this move happen. I was the one that coordinated the safety of the pets in the Pet Hotel, the arrival times of the packers, the paperwork needed for transferring schools, doctors and other vital information. I made sure our “change of address” forms were properly filled out and turned in. I called the cable, internet and cell phone companies to arrange transfer of services. If an issue came up that didn’t require Master’s personal attention, I took care of it. If an issue came up that did require Master’s personal attention, I am the one who made contact with him and helped fix the issue.
Master’s job during this time was to make sure all of our financial obligations were met, that there was emergency money in the bank and to continue working at his job as though it was just another day. Therefore the stress of moving also fell on my shoulders. Master was (and is) of course stressed as well, but it is my job as his submissive to make sure the majority of the anxiety that comes with moving was kept far away from him. I like to think I make it look easier than it certainly was.
The tasks were easy enough for me, after all I can be extremely dominant when I need to be. It has become an inside joke with friends of mine about how Domme-like I can be when I want to. Problems arise when I forget my place with Master though. After five weeks of being in charge and doing my own thing with little input or need for permission from Master, it is very easy to allow that streak to overflow into my relationship with him. It’s even easier to attempt to dominate him after such a long time of dominating everything else.
It’s almost as though we have gone from a 24/7 M/s relationship to a bedroom only M/s relationship, but this is not the life that either of us wants. We both prefer to be in our “roles” all the time. Reality, however, likes to remind us that nothing in life is as easy to do as it may be to say.
Learning when I need to be dominant and when I need to be submissive is not an easy lesson. It is one I suspect will be a lot like parenting in that it will change just as soon as I think I’ve got it down. I think that’s one of the things I enjoy about the BDSM relationship though: it’s always challenging. Anyone can be submissive for a night. Anyone can be dominant for a day. It takes a certain level of skill, finesse and tact to be able to pull it off for more than a few hours at a time. It takes a strong commitment, an outpouring of yourself into someone else, the decision to actually put another human being before yourself day in and day out. (Again, much like parenting).
Being submissive doesn’t mean being a doormat, or allowing yourself to be bullied, abused or broken. It doesn’t mean you are never going to put on your Domme boots again. It doesn’t mean you stop taking care of yourself either. In fact, you have to be extra careful in taking care of yourself because even though you are the submissive one, your Dom/me depends on you to be there when he needs you. He depends on you to be emotionally stable, physically able, mentally mature enough to handle whatever situation comes up. He depends on you to know your own limits, to be willing to push them yourself, to allow him to push them for you and to be strong enough to call out Red when you need to. Being submissive requires you to be dominant at times. You have to be able to say “no” to other things in life so that you can say “yes” to your Dom. You also have to be able to say “no” to your Dom at times so that you can take care of yourself and your children (if you have any).
Dom/mes are not perfect beings. They can not read minds, they do not understand all of your moods (no matter how many times you explain them, or how many ways you try to explain them). They do not remember every little detail, even if they have a photographic memory. They can not be your everything, your savior, your only source of love and support. That is entirely too much to ask of anyone. They can be everything you need them to be most of the time, but we all have bad days, forgetful moments and “oops” situations where we want to kick ourselves over it later. We all mess up, make mistakes and have regrets. (Anyone who claims to not have any regrets either hasn’t lived very long, is lying, or has a terrible memory.)
Don’t fret because you are supremely dominant and yet you desire to be submissive. You can be both. It just takes a whole lot of practice, notes to self, and patience to learn how to walk the fine line between Dominant and submissive roles. It takes teamwork to get through most of the crises in life. That’s why we voluntarily enter into these difficult, and at times heartbreaking things we call “relationships”. We know, deep down, that it is easier to tackle the hardships in life with a partner than it is to go it alone. We know that it’s always more enjoyable when you can share your happiness with others, when you can accomplish something major together. The goal, in my humble opinion, is not to have the perfect marriage, the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, not to have the perfect life. The goal is to be happy, to live peacefully and to have many fond memories to reflect upon when you are too old to make new ones. The goal is to have someone you can stand next to that shares those memories with you, that rejoices when you rejoice, that cries when you cry, that hurts when you hurt and that loves just as fully as you do.
Dominance, submission, switching, it’s all part of the big picture. Words we use to define our particular brand of love between us. It’s part of who we are to the very core. It becomes something we can not imagine living without and hardly remember getting by before we discovered this part of us. Our roles blend into one very colorful tapestry that is made beautiful by the kaleidoscopic and variety of both good times and bad. The pastel colors that define happiness in my life are made brighter by the dark areas I wish I didn’t have to go through. The bold jewel-toned mesh of two or more colors are easy to pick out from the rest because of the thickness of the thread used in those moments, thickened and strengthened by the fact that I was able to share them with someone else. I am forever grateful that Master came along and helped me realize the world is not black and white. He has opened my eyes to help me see the full pallet of color that life can be if you dive in head first. He has helped me reach goals I didn’t even know I could dare to dream of. He has shown me the beauty in choosing to submit and at times he has even helped me lace up my Domme boots and stood back as he watched me stomp around in them.
There are times in life where you don’t get to choose if you’re going to be dominant or submissive and there are times where you have to be dominant when you don’t want the responsibility but need to buck up. Sometimes, being submissive means having to be dominant.