© Prashant Shrestha
There are times in our lives where being the dominant one is required of us. Sometimes our Dom/me is stressed out and just needs someone to guide them, help them through the stress and even order them to eat, sleep, relax, etc. Other times you have to be dominant in standing up for yourself, speaking up for others who can’t or won’t speak up for themselves. A submissive is not submissive 100% of the time. In fact, in my personal life, I am rarely submissive. I tend to be more dominant in every area of my life except when it comes to serving Master, and I am only submissive then because I choose to be.
Moving has practically forced me to put on my Domme boots. I am the one who made all of the appointments, hotel reservations, contacted the moving company, signed any and all paperwork, and made this move happen. I was the one that coordinated the safety of the pets in the Pet Hotel, the arrival times of the packers, the paperwork needed for transferring schools, doctors and other vital information. I made sure our “change of address” forms were properly filled out and turned in. I called the cable, internet and cell phone companies to arrange transfer of services. If an issue came up that didn’t require Master’s personal attention, I took care of it. If an issue came up that did require Master’s personal attention, I am the one who made contact with him and helped fix the issue.
Master’s job during this time was to make sure all of our financial obligations were met, that there was emergency money in the bank and to continue working at his job as though it was just another day. Therefore the stress of moving also fell on my shoulders. Master was (and is) of course stressed as well, but it is my job as his submissive to make sure the majority of the anxiety that comes with moving was kept far away from him. I like to think I make it look easier than it certainly was.
The tasks were easy enough for me, after all I can be extremely dominant when I need to be. It has become an inside joke with friends of mine about how Domme-like I can be when I want to. Problems arise when I forget my place with Master though. After five weeks of being in charge and doing my own thing with little input or need for permission from Master, it is very easy to allow that streak to overflow into my relationship with him. It’s even easier to attempt to dominate him after such a long time of dominating everything else.
It’s almost as though we have gone from a 24/7 M/s relationship to a bedroom only M/s relationship, but this is not the life that either of us wants. We both prefer to be in our “roles” all the time. Reality, however, likes to remind us that nothing in life is as easy to do as it may be to say.
Learning when I need to be dominant and when I need to be submissive is not an easy lesson. It is one I suspect will be a lot like parenting in that it will change just as soon as I think I’ve got it down. I think that’s one of the things I enjoy about the BDSM relationship though: it’s always challenging. Anyone can be submissive for a night. Anyone can be dominant for a day. It takes a certain level of skill, finesse and tact to be able to pull it off for more than a few hours at a time. It takes a strong commitment, an outpouring of yourself into someone else, the decision to actually put another human being before yourself day in and day out. (Again, much like parenting).
Being submissive doesn’t mean being a doormat, or allowing yourself to be bullied, abused or broken. It doesn’t mean you are never going to put on your Domme boots again. It doesn’t mean you stop taking care of yourself either. In fact, you have to be extra careful in taking care of yourself because even though you are the submissive one, your Dom/me depends on you to be there when he needs you. He depends on you to be emotionally stable, physically able, mentally mature enough to handle whatever situation comes up. He depends on you to know your own limits, to be willing to push them yourself, to allow him to push them for you and to be strong enough to call out Red when you need to. Being submissive requires you to be dominant at times. You have to be able to say “no” to other things in life so that you can say “yes” to your Dom. You also have to be able to say “no” to your Dom at times so that you can take care of yourself and your children (if you have any).
Dom/mes are not perfect beings. They can not read minds, they do not understand all of your moods (no matter how many times you explain them, or how many ways you try to explain them). They do not remember every little detail, even if they have a photographic memory. They can not be your everything, your savior, your only source of love and support. That is entirely too much to ask of anyone. They can be everything you need them to be most of the time, but we all have bad days, forgetful moments and “oops” situations where we want to kick ourselves over it later. We all mess up, make mistakes and have regrets. (Anyone who claims to not have any regrets either hasn’t lived very long, is lying, or has a terrible memory.)
Don’t fret because you are supremely dominant and yet you desire to be submissive. You can be both. It just takes a whole lot of practice, notes to self, and patience to learn how to walk the fine line between Dominant and submissive roles. It takes teamwork to get through most of the crises in life. That’s why we voluntarily enter into these difficult, and at times heartbreaking things we call “relationships”. We know, deep down, that it is easier to tackle the hardships in life with a partner than it is to go it alone. We know that it’s always more enjoyable when you can share your happiness with others, when you can accomplish something major together. The goal, in my humble opinion, is not to have the perfect marriage, the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, not to have the perfect life. The goal is to be happy, to live peacefully and to have many fond memories to reflect upon when you are too old to make new ones. The goal is to have someone you can stand next to that shares those memories with you, that rejoices when you rejoice, that cries when you cry, that hurts when you hurt and that loves just as fully as you do.
Dominance, submission, switching, it’s all part of the big picture. Words we use to define our particular brand of love between us. It’s part of who we are to the very core. It becomes something we can not imagine living without and hardly remember getting by before we discovered this part of us. Our roles blend into one very colorful tapestry that is made beautiful by the kaleidoscopic and variety of both good times and bad. The pastel colors that define happiness in my life are made brighter by the dark areas I wish I didn’t have to go through. The bold jewel-toned mesh of two or more colors are easy to pick out from the rest because of the thickness of the thread used in those moments, thickened and strengthened by the fact that I was able to share them with someone else. I am forever grateful that Master came along and helped me realize the world is not black and white. He has opened my eyes to help me see the full pallet of color that life can be if you dive in head first. He has helped me reach goals I didn’t even know I could dare to dream of. He has shown me the beauty in choosing to submit and at times he has even helped me lace up my Domme boots and stood back as he watched me stomp around in them.
There are times in life where you don’t get to choose if you’re going to be dominant or submissive and there are times where you have to be dominant when you don’t want the responsibility but need to buck up. Sometimes, being submissive means having to be dominant.
–Autumn
Tagged: About me, Accomplishments, BDSM, BDSM education, Dominance, Lessons, Moving, Need to Know, Submission
i tell my husband that with the kids when he is gone i am the domme, he can domme when he gets home but thats my chance to take control of everything. i still have my daily tasks which get completed but the kids are my chance to me the one in control! lol
Lol well of course. In parenting we should always be the dominant ones over the children (we as in “the parents” not just submissives.) ;) Too many kids are running their households now-a-days. Parents need to remember that they are the adults and they are supposed to be guiding the kiddos and teaching them how to be well rounded children so that they can one day be well rounded adults! ;)
Well put Autumn. While i defer to my Domme at all times, there are times when She is out of Her depth. Technology issues for example and sometimes financial problems start ot overwhelm Her and it is then that i step in after respectfully asking Her if i can take control of the situation. She is well aware of my skills in all areas of life – some better than others – and whenever She sees that i can handle something better or more efficiently than Her, She will not object to me taking control and often will request or demand that i do – in other words, maintaining Her authority over me but allowing me to make the decisions on Her behalf. It all comes down to knowledge of each others strengths and weaknesses and mutual trust.
Exactly :) Thanks for your comment :)
Speaking from my side, lol, (Dom) I have always felt and taught that the sub/slave must be a strong willed person to be able to truly give so much of themselves to another’s influence and control. Life provides way too many easy excuses for a slave (and meaning sub as well from here on lol) to step out of her place with her Master and try to assert herself over him. Are times a girl must take charge as you did since he was not available to be more involved, that is simply one of those moments in life. Also, a girl, as you say, is not a doormat for anyone to disrespect and look down upon. A slave must be able to protect what is her Master’s, herself. Sometimes that requires reminding people that you are HIS slave, not slave to the masses so to speak lol.
In my own experience, years ago I owned a girl that was living with me 24/7 and she was working for a large insurance company and had about 30 employees beneath her. Of course her dominant side would show at work as it had to for her to be effective at her job keeping people to task but she also needed to remember once home she had to bring it back down. From what I have read I am sure you understand how that is not always so easy lol. I allowed her a few hours once she was home to vent and ‘get it out of her system’ persay, let the stress go so she could calm and relax into her place once more. On more than a few occasions I had to aggressively remind her of her place with me and that I was not going to tolerate her thinking I will be treated like one of her employees. Troublesome employees and deadline stresses always wore heaviest and made it harder for her to calm.Understanding I was but she knew after a time she would be brought back to her proper place with me. Many times she admitted she needed that and that no other could even get away with talking to her like I did. I always said “Of course not! DUH! I am your Master!” lol. Sometimes even making a light statement like that when it got tense would break her aggression enough to bring her back into focus.
In my view, the only person a slave HAS to serve is the one she devotes to, collar or not, since it is not the collar that captures her devotion and obedience, it is the grasp the Master holds upon her heart that inspires her desire to want to serve him and his desires. I always chuckle when I hear someone go on like they know EVERYTHING about the lifestyle and pretty much do a faceplant when they state slave should have their will broken. Break the will you break the strength that makes them SUCH a cherished and desired slave.
So yes, you did exactly what any sub/slave should be ready and willing to do when needed. As you said Autumn “there are times where you have to be dominant when you don’t want the responsibility but need to buck up.” It is a M/s relationship, but it is still about doing what is needed when needed. A slave must be strong enough of will to do that, and yes in some situations run the risk of a possible punishment if she feels she is doing as she must. A good Master (IMHO) is strong enough to accept and allow the times that the slave must step up. To use a term some Dominants cringe to……….accept her help. We do not like to admit it but we do need it time to time and I feel that falls square at the heart of the duty of a slave, to serve, to help. :)
Thank you for this wonderful blog post Autumn! I even posted two paragraphs on my Facebook page, Bedroom Bondage (with all the credits towards you, of course).
Hey, good to have you back. :) Great post, as always.
Your posts are always inspiring to me being new to the lifestyle. So first of all I want to say thank you for sharing your life. this post came at a time when I really needed to hear something like this. My Master and I are in a ldr and I also have a special needs child and we are going through some difficult times. Sometimes it is hard for me to put on my Domme boots and buck up to what life has put on my plate. My ‘aster is always very encouraging andtries to be there when I need him. So thank you for the post. And if anyone would be interested in making friends please feel free to email me and I will clear it with my Master. My email is phantomwings.da@gmail.com. thank you.
It’s still 24/7 even when you have your Domme undies on….because you are doing what he NEEDS you to do AS his submissive.
Lol well yes, that was kind of the point :P
Yes I know. I’m playing Captain Obvious. Give me back my cape!! Lol
NO! My cape now! It goes so nicely with my Domme boots!! :P
-cries in the corner-
i so understand and agree with you, Autumn! my Dom sent me the link to your post, saying it reminded Him of me.
my closest friends have always called me a Steel Magnolia. i have been a dominant and responsible all my life from 6 yrs old. i did it all at one time or another… just like you described in the part about moving.
when i moved back to my home state, i met my Dom online and He knew i was an alpha submissive before i knew it. he reminded me of my old fantasies and needs and pulled me into the bdsm lifestyle i had always dreamed of and never thought possible.
my Dom took me in and showed me how wonderful it could be, He showed me i had a submissive streak running right down the middle and it was like reaching out and feeling a bit of heaven… i wanted it… desired it… made a decision to accept that part of me and embraced it. i had come ‘home’, and i gave to him all that i had that i had never given to anyone else… and it felt so ‘right’
i do not live with a Dom… and frequently wonder what it would be like…so i still have to be that strong, dominant alpha female. i am a challenge because of it, and there isnt many Doms i have found than can make me feel submissive.
my Dom has to remind me frequently to stop thinking, to remember i am His sub/slave and when He puts me into my place once again and Dominates me, it feels so very good to give Him that control again. when i am with HIm, i can let everything else go and be who i really am.
thank you for the enlightening post, i enjoyed reading that there is others like me. :)
Im going through something similar. I also have to move and my Master is not present for all of it. I envy how well you take care of certain things on your own. I feel like such a little kid because I look to Master for alot of things even though thats what he wants. I feel as though i should handle things and not stress him. This is also a new relationship and im kinda scared about telling him everything for fear that hes going to say this is to much and i cant handle all this. Im just in a weird place right now so happy but still scared. any advice?
My advice is: complete honesty at the beginning of the relationship means it is easier to make a habit of always being honest with each other. Hiding things in the beginning is a good way to get in the habit of hiding things forever and there’s no point in being in that kind of a relationship. Don’t be afraid to tell your new guy about the stress in your life. Don’t be afraid to show both weakness and strength. You shouldn’t commit to being his sub right away anyway. This is not the time for full on BDSM, this is where you negotiate with each other about what you will and won’t tolerate, what your limits are and what to expect during stressful times in life. Be honest. If he thinks you can’t handle it when you KNOW you can, then either he’s in for a great lesson or he’s not worth your time. How will you know which kind of guy he is if you don’t let him know what kind of girl you are?
I can’t say how timely this blog posting is for me, Autumn. Thank you so very much for taking the time to write it. This is a subject that I have struggled with for a while, but after reading this I don’t feel alone or strange with my more dominant thoughts/actions. It’s been especially tough the last few weeks – I have had to take on all household responsibilities, plus help my Daddy Dom back to health after a serious accident. I love being there for my family and being able to take care of these things for him, but I have noticed the most stress I feel is from not having our usual D/s dynamic to life! I hope the move went well and that everyone loves the new place!
I always thought being both dominant and submissive made you more of a switch then anything else? My hubby/master is the dominate one and only that. He isn’t willing to submit to others and will never be the submissive one. That being so I am the submissive one though with me it depends on who I am with therefore I’m more of a switch then a submissive. Now when I say dominant I mean the type of person he is and how he is in a relationship such as the committed one him and I have. He can be as dominant as they come but still follow orders by his bosses and do what they say for him to be found a good hard dedicated worker. If he didn’t he’d be fired obviously cause no boss will take that type of insubordinate treatment (ex: not following orders, giving orders instead of taking them, etc). Yes he of course would prefer being the boss and in some cases is a more understanding and knowledgeable person then those higher up then him but you do have to start some where and it in most cases is at the bottom.
Also like to add for those who don’t know him and I are in a 24/7 relationship so with him being just a dominant I am always the submissive in all aspects of our relationship.
Would like to add a question if you don’t mind, If you have a dominant personality as say my husband and you had a kinky lifestyle do you and would you still see yourself as just a dominant if you were to be a submissive in your relationships? And would you feel the same way if it was reversed? Ask this cause based on how I view dominant, submissive, and switch you by definition would be more of a switch then one or the other and am wondering if anyone else understands where I am coming from and what I mean. I have got many comment’s saying my view of such relationships and who people are determining how they perceive and act in relationships is wrong and completely different and I personally would like to know why.
Dominant, submissive and switch are not names used to describe someone’s personality, but names we use to define the role played in the relationship. I am not a switch because I don’t become the Dominant in my relationship with Master, even when there are times I have to act more dominant than is comfortable. Our roles are constantly evolving because our understanding of the other person (or people) is constantly evolving.
A switch is someone who enjoys switching their role from Dominant to submissive and back. Sometimes they do this with another switch, sometimes they find themselves in a D/s relationship and can mold themselves into whatever role their partner prefers not to play, but ultimately they enjoy switching it up. I am a submissive. I do not envision myself being in control of this relationship (even in jest, though it’s fun to tease Master time to time).
I am a submissive in my relationship with Master. That is the role I have chosen to play when it comes to Master and I, it just feels natural to me. I am not fighting it constantly (though I have my moments) and I don’t dream about the day where he will submit to me. I just don’t get turned on sexually by dominating him, and ultimately that’s what it boils down to: who do you prefer to be, sexually, with your partner? I am the submissive, but that doesn’t mean that I will never switch it up in life and decide to be dominant in another relationship. Until that time though, I am just submissive. This is the only role I have ever played with in a BDSM context before and so far, it’s the only role I want to play. Who I am is not defined by labels, so much as it is defined by who I choose to be.
I tend to identify as being submissive, but I know when i need to be strong I will and my dominant side will come out. The key is, finding the perfect match for you and accepting each other and what life throws at you. Trusting each other too ..:)