Category Archives: Explaining BDSM

Art Imitates Life…

In my “About Me” section, June Clemons asked a pretty great question:
“Forgive me but isnt comparing this type of lifestyle to a fictional movie or book a little bit insulting????? I mean the people who live this life are not rich, don’t own planes or have an extravagant play room in their house like the characters in movies and books. Help me underdstand!!!!!!”  June Clemmons

I think it’s a great question, because I’m certain many readers have the same problem when I say “Healthy BDSM is a fantasy. What you see in movies or read about in books is NOT the same thing as real life, healthy BDSM.” In fact, I still get many emails that complain about how wrong I am in that statement, but I stand by my words.

Art imitates life, not the other way around. What you read about in books and see in the movies is a glorified, exaggerated and romanticized vision of some author somewhere who wanted to capture aspects of real life and then play off of them in their imagination through books and movies.

Sometimes, movies are imitating books. I’m sure you’ve seen a movie or two where it says “Based on the book _____”. When that happens, the fictional story from the book becomes even more exaggerated and fantasized, sometimes toned down for certain audiences and then cut up to fit the time limit allotted for a full length film or shorter film.

Being inspired by books and movies to make changes in your life is an amazing thing. It is a form of entertainment for a reason. People who attempt to copy what they see in movies or read about in books (and even blogs) should be aware that what worked on screen or on the pages of a book may not work out as easily in real life. None of us can fly like Superman, but we can all relate to the desire of a freedom to go anywhere, anytime without the need for a plane, a car, or what have you. We can all understand the wishful thinking of super-human strength. And we can empathize with the symbolism of kryptonite and its ability to destroy even the most Superior man of all men (Superman). But we know we can’t and shouldn’t just run to the nearest cliff or rooftop and jump and hope that we’ll actually fly around. We understand that it is pretend; it is fantasy; it is a dream based on the desires of real people.

Healthy BDSM and even healthy polyamory is the same way. It isn’t as easy or care-free as books and movies like to make it. And there are many risks involved in practicing healthy BDSM and healthy polyamory.

This blog is based off of my life. I choose what I will or won’t write about. I do try very hard to keep it authentic. This means that 99.9% of my blog is truth, but I fib a little here and there. For example, I do not give my readers the real names of my children. You don’t need to know that information. I choose to keep that private, but for the sake of understanding which child I am referring to, I use fake names for them: Bella and Star.

Another example of where I stretch the truth a little here or there: Sometimes, I say horrible, horrible things to Master Jason and he says equally horrible things to me. So far, after every fight we’ve ever had, we’ve obviously worked things out. But I don’t feel the need to go into exact detail on this blog about who said what. I don’t feel compelled to talk about every single fight we have, or every single steamy love-making, BDSM scene we do. Sometimes, I don’t even blog about something until months and months and months after it has happened. But that’s okay because this is my blog and it is based off of my life. I do not have to give my readers all of the dirty details. I get to choose what I will or won’t write about and what I will or won’t publish here.

This blog is my art that imitates my life. 

I help instruct and profess what I have learned (throughout the years of playing around with, reading about and applying healthy BDSM tactics that have or haven’t worked for me) to each of my readers; but it should be noted that when trying to incorporate what I do and what I talk about on here, it may not work for you in your life.

To answer June’s question, no, it is not insulting to compare this lifestyle that I and many others are living to the BDSM/polyamory that is reflected in books and movies. It is important to understand the difference between real life and fantasy.

BDSM is a fantasy that we choose to incorporate into our lives.

No one who practices healthy BDSM should believe that they are REALLY a slave to someone else. They should understand that it is a CHOICE they are making, a ROLE they choose to wear. No one who practices healthy BDSM should feel that they MUST control the lives of others (by being a Master/Dom/Top/etc.). They should understand that WHEN they choose to wear that title, it is ONLY because the other person(s) involved have consented to following their orders and not because they are just that fucking awesome that everyone wants to be dictated by their every word.

If you find that you are insulted when I mention these things, then maybe it’s time to do a little more self reflection and try to figure out exactly what it is that offends you and why it offends you. If you are honest with yourself, then you have to admit that you choose this lifestyle. You choose how often you are in whatever role you identify with. You can, at any point, walk away from any of it, IF YOU WANTED TO. And if you can’t, then you aren’t practicing healthy BDSM/polyamory. You’re either being abused, or you’re being abusive and it is time to seek professional help.

For the love of Pete… (or “How to find a good Dom/sub”)

2016.01.03

Happy New Year (and Merry whatever you celebrated). I hope your holiday was better than ours. Master Jason and I are doing spectacularly but we all came down with strep throat, followed almost immediately by some weird stomach bug (more likely a bad reaction to the antibiotics they put you on when you get something like strep) that made us all feel rather icky for almost a full two weeks.

Anyway, I wanted to start off the new year with a new blog post but got side tracked by germs. This will be short and probably not super sweet, but I have gotten this question a grand total of 18 times in the last month (via email and direct messages and comments and Facebook messages…. the list goes on) and I’m quite tired of answering it so I am going to post it here.

Hey, Autumn, how do I find a good Dom/sub? Where do I look? Where do I start?

These are probably the most asked questions that I get from this blog. They all have the same root: “Where do I find someone good enough for me, that does everything I want/need so I can start my happily ever after moment?”

 

This is probably the most asked question on this blog and the general answer I give is this:
Seriously, it’s not like I have an island of great Doms that I have hidden just in case the world ends and I need a new one. I honestly don’t know. It’s just like regular dating, you find someone you like, that you click with and hope they sync up with your needs/desires and that you sync with theirs. Relationships (of any kind) take WORK and finding someone you just click with takes time, effort and patience.

I really hate this line of questioning. It’s a toxic question because it implies that there are people in the know who are hiding Kinksters worthy of dating. Happiness takes effort. It takes patience. It takes time. Finding someone you’re willing to invest in, continuously, even through the bullshit that comes with all relationships, is NOT easy. Being able to figure out how much BS is too much for you, personally, to deal with and being willing to honestly self-reflect and work on your issues is HARD WORK. But it pays off. Eventually you find someone (or a few someones) that you do click well with and that you want to invest your time and energy into! And you definitely should not give up and let yourself go after you’ve found it. In fact, you should work just as hard to keep the happy as you did to find it. Enjoying the benefits of your hard work can be done while continuing to work hard at keeping it.

Master Jason and I do not have some perfect love affair. Sometimes it feels like I struck gold and won the lottery and we just click so well and everything is fine and dandy. Other times I wonder what the hell I’m doing with him and if this is all worth it. The good news is, we ALL have those feelings from time to time. As long as the good seriously outweighs the bad (and no one is being abused or manipulated into doing things they don’t/can’t/shouldn’t do) then I am willing to keep working at the relationship. As long as everyone is benefiting and the relationship works most of the time (read, at least 90% of the time) then keep working at it!

If you haven’t found someone you’re willing to put the effort into yet, then keep looking! There is no easy  answer here. And frankly, I’m tired of having to spell that out. You’re adults (I hope). You understand that sometimes the clouds part and the sun shines and everything is right with the world and that at other times it doesn’t seem to stop raining/snowing/whatever. You understand that no matter what happens, you don’t just give up and wait for someone to do it for you. And if you can’t understand that, then maybe BDSM is not for you right now. Maybe you need to take a mental/emotional time out and focus on being healthier on your own before you try and add someone else to the mix.

I know this is a harsh blog post and I know it’s not my normal style, but I have put off answering this question in the form of a post for SIX YEARS. I can’t handle it anymore and I need a link I can just send to the other people who will invariably ask this question before bothering to read the damn blog, lol.

My next post will be far more pleasant, I promise <3 I do love all of my fans (even the crazy ones) even when I end up sounding like the crazy one ;)

Thanks for listening. /rant

–Autumn Lokerson

Side note: if ANYONE says something along the lines of “Hey People Asking This Question, hit me up, I’m a good dom/sub! What’s your email” or some stupid shit, I will block your comment so fast your head will spin. This is NOT a dating site. This is my blog, and I don’t have time for that crap. Thank you :)

 

The Good Submissive

waiting-for-master-1.jpg

For the sake of this blog post, and my sanity, I am using the term “submissive” here, but please understand that this can apply to all forms of the submissive: slaves, bottoms, switches, etc. On top of that, I will most likely refer to the submissive as female and the Dom as male more often than not. This is only because in my relationships where I am submissive, am the submissive (and I happen to be female) and the Doms I have submitted to happen to be male. This is NOT the only type of BDSM relationship out there and more than that, not all submissives are female and not all Dominants are male. It makes it easier on me as a writer, and usually on the readers, if I stick to one format instead of constantly changing it up. 

About two years ago I wrote a blog post titled “The Good Dom” that explains what I believe makes a good Dominant. I have been asked many times to write a partner piece titled “The Good Submissive” but I kept putting it off and putting it off and putting it off some more. I didn’t want to write a partner piece. It meant that I would have to closely examine my own submission and point out my own flaws. It means that I will most likely step on toes of other submissives (slaves, bottoms, etc) and either not cover enough items or mention things that others feel shouldn’t be counted, or…. well anything that could hurt someone else’s feelings.

It meant having to look at myself under a microscope and admit that when it comes to my lists of “shoulds” and “should nots” I may be lacking myself in some areas. No one enjoys that kind of thing, but at the same time, it is my job to be as authentic and realistic on here as I can be. I owe it to my readers to tell the good with the bad, to give my opinion even if it may not be welcomed… that’s kind of the point of the blog in general. At the time however, I feel that “The Good Dom” deserves a partner piece. Something that can help fellow submissives understand what (I believe) makes them good at submitting and what red flags to be aware of that (if we’re honest with ourselves) we all have done or do, or even think about doing.

When it comes to a healthy BDSM relationship there are key things that should be applied to everyone involved in the relationship: emotional stability, a willingness to communicate fully with your partner, a desire to work at the relationship, even if that relationship is almost purely sexual — it still requires at least a little bit of work, and if it doesn’t I’d love to know how you manage to keep a relationship without doing any work at all, ever, seriously, email me your secrets, please. Lol.

Before I begin though, let me state that these are my opinions. I hate that I have to put that here, it is a personal blog after all and EVERYTHING I write here is from my own point of view, but I get bitched at for wording things “in a factual kind of way” and “not making it clear” that these are my opinions, thoughts and reflections, not scientific fact.

What Makes A Good Submissive (slave, bottom, etc)? Master Jason said that all the things that make a Good Dom can also be applied to a Good Submissive. The main differences between a good girlfriend/boyfriend and a Good Dom/sub are in how we respond to conflict, handle who does what in the relationship and the attitude of respect that tends to go hand in hand with a healthy BDSM relationship. If you ask your girlfriend to make you a sandwich, she might tell you to jump off a bridge and make it yourself. If you ask a submissive to make a sandwich, you still might get a sassy remark, but she’ll make that sandwich anyway. Healthy is healthy. The main difference between a healthy relationship and a healthy BDSM relationship is simply kinky sex and defined roles. You know who wears the pants in your relationship, you don’t fight over it.

That being said, there are some things that submissive should have/do/be that differ from a regular, vanilla relationship (for the most part anyway).

A Good Submissive:

  1. Should be emotionally stable enough to actually participate in a relationship to begin with.
    • I’ve come across far too many people (Doms and subs) who really need to just take a break from seeking a love life and work on themselves first. You know the type I’m talking about. These women (and men) have just gotten over a bad breakup and are more interested in hooking their Prince Charming Dominant as soon as possible. They’re lonely and (sadly) a little desperate (no judging, I’ve been there, rock bottom is hell, even more so when you’re alone for it). But they don’t want to take time between relationships to examine who they are and why the last one didn’t work out. They don’t want to heal and move on, they just want to move on.
    • There are other cases where someone may not have the mental capacity to be involved in any relationship, let alone one that requires constant review, constant honesty (with their Dom/me as well as with themselves) and constant accountability. If a person can not be honest with themselves, they won’t be able to be honest with others and in BDSM honest communication is vital to the success of a scene and ultimately, the relationship as a whole.
  2. Should be willing to admit when they are wrong. 
    • Let’s face it, you’re not right all the time. No one enjoys being wrong, but there’s a difference in your mannerisms and behavior when you willingly admit that you’re wrong on something and when you feel trapped and/or forced to admit that you’ve messed up. The decision to willingly admit when you have been wrong tells the other person that you respect them enough to admit when they are right. It helps to grow the relationship as well as solidify the trust there. This goes a long, long, long way in a BDSM relationship, especially in the training phase of a D/s relationship. And since we’re being honest, you know how good it feels when someone says “Okay, you were right, I was wrong.” to you, why would you not want to return the favor and be just as willing to admit when you’re wrong?
  3. Have a strong desire to submit in the first place.
    • This doesn’t mean that you have to be a doormat. In fact, doormats need not apply. The Dominant that is looking for someone to always give in to what they want and never, ever question them or disagree with them is NOT a Good Dom and you don’t want to submit to him in the first place (unless heartache and frustration is your goal….)
    • It also doesn’t mean that you must submit to everyone who claims to be a Dom/me. It simply means that you have a desire to be submissive in the bedroom, and maybe (for some of us) outside of the bedroom, but only to a certain person (or select few) and how exactly you submit should be discussed (as equals) before you jump into anything.
  4. Does not manipulate the Dom/me or “Top from the bottom”
    • This one is a little harder to explain, especially to new submissives and especially since so many people tend to have a different view on what exactly “topping from the bottom” entails.
      In my personal opinion, topping from the bottom means more than just teasingly being sarcastic so you get a fun swat on the ass as you walk by, or saying something you know your Dom/me will chase you around the house for saying (in a fun, loving, adult form of tag.)
    • Topping from the bottom is manipulation. It is where a submissive purposefully goes out of his or her way to get a specific (and usually negative) reaction from the Dom/me. The most common practice is doing something that goes against your rules simply so that you get punished for it. (For me, this used to happen when I was feeling neglected and frustrated and just wanted Master to pay attention to me. Much like a toddler throwing a fit, I wanted attention no matter what I had to do to get it. Over time, I finally learned to just ASK for it. Even if what I want is a “pain session” — in my case, a spanking, flogging, whipping, etc. It became easier on Master Jason AND on me to just simply tell him how I was feeling and why than it ever was to for me to “act out” and expect results.)
  5. Is willing to ask for what they need/want
    • A Good Submissive will tell her Dom when she needs extra time with him. She will also understand if he can’t immediately comply. She is willing to be honest about why she’s being extra bratty (sometimes it takes us a little while to figure out what we’re lacking, sometimes the Dom may have figured it out first, but usually the submissive just needs to spend a few minutes reflecting and trying to figure out what’s going on in her own head before she can put it into words for her Dom.) One way to help combat this is journaling. Many of the Doms I have met have had their submissive keep a daily blog/journal/diary to help both of them be able to communicate better. I know that for me personally, I can write out how I’m feeling and why I’m frustrated easier than I can verbalize it.
    • Dominants are not mind readers. They can not possibly know every single want/desire/wish/need that you have. They can cover a wide range of them, but they’ll never know them all. Master once said that he likes picking out things for me from time to time because he likes knowing what I want. My immediate reaction was “How do you know what I want when I don’t even know what I want half the time?” He looked at me and said “Because you often tell me and I keep track of items you’ve said you want for when birthdays and holidays and random other times come up.” It was a bit of a shock to know that he both listens and keeps a record of my wants. As a result, I keep a “dreams and wishes” wishlist handy that Master can easily access (usually via Amazon.com but there are many other ways you can do this if interested). I admit, I forget what I’ve put on the wishlist more often than not, but the point isn’t that I remember, the point is that I’ve mentioned it to begin with. Asking for what I want is always better than assuming he will know what I want and magically provide it for me.
  6. Should not be looking for someone to rescue her from her life and fix everything for her.
    • This is real life. This is not fantasy. This is not Disney. If you take away all of your problems, all of your stress, and take money out of the equation, would you still be willing to submit to someone else? If your answer is no, then you are not ready for a BDSM relationship, nor are you ready to be submissive to someone else.
  7. A Good Submissive chooses to submit.
    • It’s really that simple. On top of everything else he or she is, she chooses to submit and trust me when I tell you that it is a daily (sometimes minute by minute) choice. How you act/react, what you say when you’re angry, and whether or not you follow the rules you’ve agreed to are all things you choose. No one forces you to do anything (though sometimes it might feel like it, ultimately you know that the choice is yours to make).
    • If you constantly feel as though you’re being forced to do crap you don’t want to do, then maybe it’s time to end that relationship or at the very least, re-negotiate the rules. As with any relationship, there should be some give and some take. Even in BDSM no one person does all of the giving, and no one person does all of the taking. That’s yet another reason why it’s important to take time to negotiate what BDSM means to each person involved in your relationship and figure out what you’re both willing and unwilling to do (or have done to you). 

Use common sense when trying to apply any of these things to your own relationships. Sometimes what I’ve written will work for you, other times it won’t. Your relationship will be as unique as the people involved in it. There isn’t some cookie cutter, one size fits all brand of BDSM out there. Sure, there are similarities, but what defines us are our differences and we should rejoice in the fact that there are so many different ways to approach and explore BDSM.

–Autumn

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