Category Archives: Explaining BDSM

The Good Submissive

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For the sake of this blog post, and my sanity, I am using the term “submissive” here, but please understand that this can apply to all forms of the submissive: slaves, bottoms, switches, etc. On top of that, I will most likely refer to the submissive as female and the Dom as male more often than not. This is only because in my relationships where I am submissive, am the submissive (and I happen to be female) and the Doms I have submitted to happen to be male. This is NOT the only type of BDSM relationship out there and more than that, not all submissives are female and not all Dominants are male. It makes it easier on me as a writer, and usually on the readers, if I stick to one format instead of constantly changing it up. 

About two years ago I wrote a blog post titled “The Good Dom” that explains what I believe makes a good Dominant. I have been asked many times to write a partner piece titled “The Good Submissive” but I kept putting it off and putting it off and putting it off some more. I didn’t want to write a partner piece. It meant that I would have to closely examine my own submission and point out my own flaws. It means that I will most likely step on toes of other submissives (slaves, bottoms, etc) and either not cover enough items or mention things that others feel shouldn’t be counted, or…. well anything that could hurt someone else’s feelings.

It meant having to look at myself under a microscope and admit that when it comes to my lists of “shoulds” and “should nots” I may be lacking myself in some areas. No one enjoys that kind of thing, but at the same time, it is my job to be as authentic and realistic on here as I can be. I owe it to my readers to tell the good with the bad, to give my opinion even if it may not be welcomed… that’s kind of the point of the blog in general. At the time however, I feel that “The Good Dom” deserves a partner piece. Something that can help fellow submissives understand what (I believe) makes them good at submitting and what red flags to be aware of that (if we’re honest with ourselves) we all have done or do, or even think about doing.

When it comes to a healthy BDSM relationship there are key things that should be applied to everyone involved in the relationship: emotional stability, a willingness to communicate fully with your partner, a desire to work at the relationship, even if that relationship is almost purely sexual — it still requires at least a little bit of work, and if it doesn’t I’d love to know how you manage to keep a relationship without doing any work at all, ever, seriously, email me your secrets, please. Lol.

Before I begin though, let me state that these are my opinions. I hate that I have to put that here, it is a personal blog after all and EVERYTHING I write here is from my own point of view, but I get bitched at for wording things “in a factual kind of way” and “not making it clear” that these are my opinions, thoughts and reflections, not scientific fact.

What Makes A Good Submissive (slave, bottom, etc)? Master Jason said that all the things that make a Good Dom can also be applied to a Good Submissive. The main differences between a good girlfriend/boyfriend and a Good Dom/sub are in how we respond to conflict, handle who does what in the relationship and the attitude of respect that tends to go hand in hand with a healthy BDSM relationship. If you ask your girlfriend to make you a sandwich, she might tell you to jump off a bridge and make it yourself. If you ask a submissive to make a sandwich, you still might get a sassy remark, but she’ll make that sandwich anyway. Healthy is healthy. The main difference between a healthy relationship and a healthy BDSM relationship is simply kinky sex and defined roles. You know who wears the pants in your relationship, you don’t fight over it.

That being said, there are some things that submissive should have/do/be that differ from a regular, vanilla relationship (for the most part anyway).

A Good Submissive:

  1. Should be emotionally stable enough to actually participate in a relationship to begin with.
    • I’ve come across far too many people (Doms and subs) who really need to just take a break from seeking a love life and work on themselves first. You know the type I’m talking about. These women (and men) have just gotten over a bad breakup and are more interested in hooking their Prince Charming Dominant as soon as possible. They’re lonely and (sadly) a little desperate (no judging, I’ve been there, rock bottom is hell, even more so when you’re alone for it). But they don’t want to take time between relationships to examine who they are and why the last one didn’t work out. They don’t want to heal and move on, they just want to move on.
    • There are other cases where someone may not have the mental capacity to be involved in any relationship, let alone one that requires constant review, constant honesty (with their Dom/me as well as with themselves) and constant accountability. If a person can not be honest with themselves, they won’t be able to be honest with others and in BDSM honest communication is vital to the success of a scene and ultimately, the relationship as a whole.
  2. Should be willing to admit when they are wrong. 
    • Let’s face it, you’re not right all the time. No one enjoys being wrong, but there’s a difference in your mannerisms and behavior when you willingly admit that you’re wrong on something and when you feel trapped and/or forced to admit that you’ve messed up. The decision to willingly admit when you have been wrong tells the other person that you respect them enough to admit when they are right. It helps to grow the relationship as well as solidify the trust there. This goes a long, long, long way in a BDSM relationship, especially in the training phase of a D/s relationship. And since we’re being honest, you know how good it feels when someone says “Okay, you were right, I was wrong.” to you, why would you not want to return the favor and be just as willing to admit when you’re wrong?
  3. Have a strong desire to submit in the first place.
    • This doesn’t mean that you have to be a doormat. In fact, doormats need not apply. The Dominant that is looking for someone to always give in to what they want and never, ever question them or disagree with them is NOT a Good Dom and you don’t want to submit to him in the first place (unless heartache and frustration is your goal….)
    • It also doesn’t mean that you must submit to everyone who claims to be a Dom/me. It simply means that you have a desire to be submissive in the bedroom, and maybe (for some of us) outside of the bedroom, but only to a certain person (or select few) and how exactly you submit should be discussed (as equals) before you jump into anything.
  4. Does not manipulate the Dom/me or “Top from the bottom”
    • This one is a little harder to explain, especially to new submissives and especially since so many people tend to have a different view on what exactly “topping from the bottom” entails.
      In my personal opinion, topping from the bottom means more than just teasingly being sarcastic so you get a fun swat on the ass as you walk by, or saying something you know your Dom/me will chase you around the house for saying (in a fun, loving, adult form of tag.)
    • Topping from the bottom is manipulation. It is where a submissive purposefully goes out of his or her way to get a specific (and usually negative) reaction from the Dom/me. The most common practice is doing something that goes against your rules simply so that you get punished for it. (For me, this used to happen when I was feeling neglected and frustrated and just wanted Master to pay attention to me. Much like a toddler throwing a fit, I wanted attention no matter what I had to do to get it. Over time, I finally learned to just ASK for it. Even if what I want is a “pain session” — in my case, a spanking, flogging, whipping, etc. It became easier on Master Jason AND on me to just simply tell him how I was feeling and why than it ever was to for me to “act out” and expect results.)
  5. Is willing to ask for what they need/want
    • A Good Submissive will tell her Dom when she needs extra time with him. She will also understand if he can’t immediately comply. She is willing to be honest about why she’s being extra bratty (sometimes it takes us a little while to figure out what we’re lacking, sometimes the Dom may have figured it out first, but usually the submissive just needs to spend a few minutes reflecting and trying to figure out what’s going on in her own head before she can put it into words for her Dom.) One way to help combat this is journaling. Many of the Doms I have met have had their submissive keep a daily blog/journal/diary to help both of them be able to communicate better. I know that for me personally, I can write out how I’m feeling and why I’m frustrated easier than I can verbalize it.
    • Dominants are not mind readers. They can not possibly know every single want/desire/wish/need that you have. They can cover a wide range of them, but they’ll never know them all. Master once said that he likes picking out things for me from time to time because he likes knowing what I want. My immediate reaction was “How do you know what I want when I don’t even know what I want half the time?” He looked at me and said “Because you often tell me and I keep track of items you’ve said you want for when birthdays and holidays and random other times come up.” It was a bit of a shock to know that he both listens and keeps a record of my wants. As a result, I keep a “dreams and wishes” wishlist handy that Master can easily access (usually via Amazon.com but there are many other ways you can do this if interested). I admit, I forget what I’ve put on the wishlist more often than not, but the point isn’t that I remember, the point is that I’ve mentioned it to begin with. Asking for what I want is always better than assuming he will know what I want and magically provide it for me.
  6. Should not be looking for someone to rescue her from her life and fix everything for her.
    • This is real life. This is not fantasy. This is not Disney. If you take away all of your problems, all of your stress, and take money out of the equation, would you still be willing to submit to someone else? If your answer is no, then you are not ready for a BDSM relationship, nor are you ready to be submissive to someone else.
  7. A Good Submissive chooses to submit.
    • It’s really that simple. On top of everything else he or she is, she chooses to submit and trust me when I tell you that it is a daily (sometimes minute by minute) choice. How you act/react, what you say when you’re angry, and whether or not you follow the rules you’ve agreed to are all things you choose. No one forces you to do anything (though sometimes it might feel like it, ultimately you know that the choice is yours to make).
    • If you constantly feel as though you’re being forced to do crap you don’t want to do, then maybe it’s time to end that relationship or at the very least, re-negotiate the rules. As with any relationship, there should be some give and some take. Even in BDSM no one person does all of the giving, and no one person does all of the taking. That’s yet another reason why it’s important to take time to negotiate what BDSM means to each person involved in your relationship and figure out what you’re both willing and unwilling to do (or have done to you). 

Use common sense when trying to apply any of these things to your own relationships. Sometimes what I’ve written will work for you, other times it won’t. Your relationship will be as unique as the people involved in it. There isn’t some cookie cutter, one size fits all brand of BDSM out there. Sure, there are similarities, but what defines us are our differences and we should rejoice in the fact that there are so many different ways to approach and explore BDSM.

–Autumn

The University of BDSM

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In some BDSM relationships where there is not a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE) there is a symbolic gesture that signifies when the roles of both Dom and sub are in play. Much like actors on a stage getting into character by putting on clothing specific for that role, putting a collar on a submissive helps both the Dominant and the submissive know when they are in the D/s roles, just as taking the collar off signifies the end of the role playing.

I am Master Jason’s submissive all day, every day. I know this, I accept this, I even asked for this. Even when I am in a scene with someone else, another Dominant, I am still owned by Master Jason. To help me remember who owns me at all times I keep something of Master Jason’s on my person. Sometimes this is as simple as wearing my wedding bands (which I rarely take off) or as complex as wearing his collar. It just depends on the situation, the scene and what other clothes I may or may not be wearing.

This past weekend I had the chance to play with another Dominant (the details of that will be told in another blog post). I am not in a TPE with this Dominant though and we had things to discuss before we stepping into the roles of Top and bottom. In fact, the difference between M/s, D/s and T/b was something that we wanted to go over before we began any kind of power exchange.

Please understand that T/b (Top/bottom), D/s (Dominant/submissive) and M/s (Master/slave) can be and usually are interchanged depending on the couple, the relationship they have and what titles they are comfortable using with each other. I have met many wonderful submissives who consider themselves to be slaves but do not like to be called “slave”. Just as I have met many strong Dominants that I would consider to be “Masters” in BDSM but prefer the term “Dominant” simply because it doesn’t sound as pompous to them.

That being said, this may help others understand why there are so many different titles, and how Top may be different from Master, submissive different from bottom and so on and so forth. I don’t know where this example started, or who originally wrote it, but when it was repeated to me, I realized how much this example may help others understand some of the key differences in certain power play dynamics.

A Top, Dom, and Master are lounging by a pool. Swimming in the pool are a bottom, sub, and slave.

The Top says to the bottom, “Go get me a can of coke.” The bottom stops what she’s doing and looks at the Top, replying, “Where are your manners?” The Top says, “…please…” The bottom, satisfied, gets out of the pool and walks past the Top to get to the cooler, earning a smack on the ass as she passes, which she takes gratefully. She opens the cooler, removes two cans of soda, hands one to the Top and opens the other for herself, returning to the pool.

The Dom says to the sub, “Go get me a can of coke.” The sub immediately gets out of the pool, saying, “Yes, Sir.” and hurries to the cooler. She knows that by ‘coke’ he means any cola flavored beverage, so she selects a bottled cola, and closes the cooler. She feels that the cola is not quite cold enough for her Dom’s tastes, which she knows and anticipates well by now, so she goes inside to retrieve a glass and some ice and then pours the coke into the glass with the ice. Noting that it is near noon, she also makes a sandwich for her Dom and then comes out presenting them both for him, for his desires are paramount and she does what she can to anticipate and fulfill them.

The Master says to the slave, “Go get me a can of coke.” The slave immediately stops what she is doing, nods to her Master, and goes to the cooler. She searches the cooler and sees bottles of cola and cans of other beverages, but is unable to find any cans of Coke within. She spies one sitting nearby, outside of the cooler and then immediately and wordlessly returns with the can to her Master, kneeling and presenting it to him. She has no judgment on whether or not he intends to drink the coke, throw it into the pool for her to fetch, or shove it into one of her orifices, she only hears the instruction and obeys as closely as she is able.

 On my blog I have often referred to myself in past blog posts as a slave and my husband Jason as my Master. But using the example above I would have to say that my relationship with Master Jason is more of a mix between T/b and D/s than it is M/s.

I still interchange the words “slave” and “submissive” and of course “bottom” from time to time, but I don’t really feel like I could actually be his slave any longer. Mostly it comes down to this: if he tried to shove a can of coke near one of my orifices, I’d probably kick his ass (or at least put up a damn good fight.) And I know Master Jason well enough to know that if I were to bring him a warm can of whatever the hell he asked for, it would be considered a snarky and bratty move. When he asks me for a drink, he expects it a certain way. For example, if he said “Bring me some coffee” I would not go to the kitchen, grab a bag of coffee beans and bring it to him. I would know that by “coffee” he means a latte. And if I’m unsure of what exactly he means by this, I ask.

MOST of the couples you meet along your journey through BDSM will have picked and chosen what aspects to each role they like and put those to use. This is why we (as a community) say that every BDSM relationship is as different as the people involved in it. It can get very, very confusing (as my vanilla friend Tory likes to point out before asking questions about my relationship with Master Jason.) It gets even more confusing when people like me use the title “Master” to refer to their Dominant and then the title “bottom” and “submissive” to refer to themselves.

When I first started out in BDSM I did not fully understand how many roles, names for those roles and ways to present those roles there were. In fact, if you read through my archived blog posts, I’m sure you can find a few instances (or more) where I’ve made newbie mistakes in understanding certain aspects to BDSM. But that’s part of the point of this blog: it’s my journey into BDSM and if I wasn’t growing and learning… well it would be a very dull journey indeed. When you’re starting out, you don’t need to know all the different roles, names, etc. You just need to know the general concept, but as time passes you learn just how big the world of BDSM can be and how vastly different one D/s dynamic can be from another.

I explained it to my friend Tori this way:

Picture BDSM as a university. At the University of BDSM you can major in lots of things. There are many different classes and many different career choices that you can make. There are so many different subjects (kinds of kinks and fetishes) and majors (types of BDSM relationships, names for “families” — leather, poly, furry, etc) that it is new, exciting and extremely overwhelming at times. You feel as though you can study for years and years and years and still have only scratched the surface.

You have new students who are attending and have a slight idea of what exactly BDSM is, but most of the information they’re learning, they’re seeing for the first time ever. (Like freshmen at college, they change majors often because they didn’t realize just how much stuff there is to know about BDSM. They may have come to the school with the intent of being leaders in general and then realized that they would like to specialize in BDSM toy making, or latex, or anal play, etc…)

You have older students who have been attending the University of BDSM for a year or more and are still learning. No longer are they beginners, but they’re still considered to be novices. You have teachers who may specialize in certain areas, but would never pretend to know everything that the University of BDSM has to offer or can teach.

You also have research assistants, teaching assistants and Professors. The research assistants know quite a bit about a few particular subjects under the wide umbrella of BDSM, but haven’t really felt the need (or desire) to teach what they know to others. They enjoy researching, not teaching.

The teaching assistants are eager to help others learn, and understand a subject well enough to feel they can teach it, but they’ve never actually taught it before. They know more than the students who are hearing some of the information for the first time, but they have not yet taught a class on it. They assist the main teacher because it gives them a chance to learn how to teach the information they already know.

The teachers have been teaching for years. The information is not new to them, though they find they still learn things from their students, but for the most part they know what they’re talking about when it comes to their particular subject (or subjects) at the University of BDSM.

The Professors have been doing this for decades. Some of them are set in their ways and refuse to use some of the new terms, ways of doing things or concepts. They accept some of the new stuff, but prefer the old ways, and the rest of the new stuff they reject wholeheartedly. They are well respected by most of the school, but challenged from time to time by others. They consider themselves to be more knowledgeable than most, but find themselves challenged from time to time just the same. The best Professors are still willing to admit when they are wrong and the ones that should probably just retire from teaching claim to never be wrong.

When I look at where I am now, I would consider myself to be a “teacher’s assistant”. I’ve done the research, I understand the concept for most of the subject and I want to help others learn it too. I do not have a lot of experience under my belt yet, but I am working on that. I assist, I lecture, I teach, but I am still wide-eyed and bushy tailed when it comes to much of the BDSM world.

Master Jason would be a research assistant, believe it or not. He doesn’t have any real desire to teach the craft of BDSM, any of it, to anyone else. He enjoys learning about it, he loves to research it, but the actually giving a lecture or class on it is not something he would ever pursue. He will happily pass on his thoughts and things he’s learned from his research to me, he can even hold his own when discussing certain topics with friends, but he would get annoyed and possibly even a little bored with teaching it to a full class.

One of the things I look for when I am seeking other play partners is someone that is not as “new” at this as I am. I look for the Teachers and sometimes even enjoy challenging the Professors and picking their brains. I am still learning, but simultaneously teaching what I’ve learned thus far to most of you by blogging it out.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to play with someone who has been in the lifestyle a lot longer than I have, has done a lot more than I have and is experienced enough that I would consider him to be a “teacher”. (He’s still too young and not quite stubborn enough for me to consider him as a “Professor” though he may challenge me on that.)

These were the things Sir Christian and I discussed before I knelt before him and he put a collar around my neck to signified our play time as ‘Top and bottom’ had begun. (We decided that for the time being, and especially because we’re still getting to know each other, the Top/bottom dynamic fits where we are currently, best. I like it because it allows me to be fully me: sassy, pushy and yet submissive. He likes it because he isn’t pressured to give me a laundry list of rules that he can’t always enforce — since we’re only in a power exchange for the brief times we’re together — nor does he feel pressured to come up with that list of rules for a submissive he’s still learning about.) Later, when the collar came back off, I knew that we were once again equals and that I no longer needed to call him Sir, or obey his word. I could choose to, of course, but it was no longer required for me to do so.

To help keep the confusion down as I tell the story of what happened last weekend,  I will refer to each Dominant by their full titles instead of just “Master” and “Sir”. Master Jason and Sir Christian are their full titles. I am married to, collared by and fully owned by Master Jason. Anyone else I ever play with will have Master Jason’s permission to play with me first. All rules given to me by Master Jason trump any other rules another Dom can give me. For example: one of Master Jason’s rules is “no smoking”, therefore I could not nor would I obey an order to smoke from another Dom, and if they even tried to give me that order knowing it’s against my rules with Master Jason, the relationship between that Dom and I would instantly be over.

Silly side note: when I first started talking to Sir Christian I could not help but roll my eyes at his name. I giggled and said “I’m sorry. You have the unfortunate coincidence of sharing the same name as the wanna-be-pussy of a dom in 50 Shades of Crap” (my title for the 50 Shades series). He made a face, told me that he knew that and it was a constant frustration for him to have to now clarify that he is NOT the kind of idiot that Christian Grey is. Of course, from that point on I still chuckle and/or roll my eyes at any and all similarities between Christian Grey and Sir Christian.

I have been talking to Sir Christian for a while now (again, with Master Jason’s permission) and the three of us felt that enough information, emails and time had passed that we were comfortable with a meet-up. Originally it was just going to be a platonic “nice to actually meet you in person” meet… but it evolved quickly into a “let’s meet in person, see if the chemistry we have online applies to us offline as well, and then possibly have some kinky fun together” kind of meeting. I have exchanged hundreds of emails with him. We have discussed our limits (hard and soft) and the rules that Master Jason has given me. He has read much of my blog to help him better understand the dynamic between Master Jason and I. He had even reached out and emailed Master Jason personally so that they could discuss where the boundaries are when it comes to how my submission to Sir Christian would work. Sir Christian is quite the gentleman and extremely honorable, just as Master Jason is. Sir Christian would not ever ask me to do something that goes against something Master Jason has instructed me to do (or instructed me not to do).

The day of my first meeting with Sir Christian, I jokingly told Master Jason that it was a bit like sharing custody of me. “The Joint custody of the submissive Autumn” is how I phrased it. He gave me a wicked grin and said “You do realize that if you disobey one of us, both of us will know about it, do you not?” I froze for a moment and thought over that statement. He’s right… if I fail to do my chores and tasks with Master Jason and am therefore unable to go out and play with Sir Christian, I will most likely suffer consequences from both of them. “Oh damn, this is like being a child with two parents!” I teasingly complained. My only answer was another look from Master Jason. A very satisfied, extremely sadistic smile that worked its way slowly across his features and then reached his eyes as he said in a low and seductive voice “Exactly. I’m glad you understand what you’re getting yourself into.” Somehow that made it even more exciting for me and my bratty side thought of delicious ways I could push both their buttons and tease them equally. Like a child who knows better, I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I reached for a cookie I was told I can’t have. I chose not to say this, but I didn’t have to. Master Jason reads me as easily as code in a computer program. Little facial expressions and mannerisms hint at what’s going through my mind. Blushing I decided to drop the topic and let him get back to emailing Sir Christian about my evening with him and what was to be in store for “little autumn” that night. The sexual details of our first encounter deserve their own blog post, they were that fantastic and I want to make sure I give them the time they deserve when I write it out for you all to read. It isn’t something that should be crammed into the ending portion of this or any other blog post. It is a fantastic story that deserves an equally fantastic telling.

It was surreal because I almost felt like one of my own fans; new to this and seeking information. I laughed at myself, the author of a BDSM blog dedicated to helping others find their own path in BDSM, because of how nervous I was. I thought this kind of thing would be easy and thrilling and it was definitely thrilling but, it was hard for me too. In fact, it was hard in ways I didn’t really expect it to be. You see, even though I blog about my submission to Master Jason and even though he and I have definite rules set out for our relationship, they are not the same rules that I may have with someone else. My experience in BDSM with Master Jason is the ONLY experience I’ve had thus far. Anything he and I have done is everything that I have ever done. And here I was, in a hotel room, with someone far more advanced in the practice of BDSM than I was. Someone who was willing to show me more and teach me what he’s learned in his own adventures through BDSM. Someone who could actually help me remember what it was like when I first started this blog, nearly five years ago, and remind me of how much there is to learn at the University of BDSM.

I am certain that Sir Christian and I will play again in the very near future and I am grateful for the reminder of what it is like to be so new to something that everything is a little scary. I count myself among the fortunate for being able to learn so much from so many people. I am grateful to the authors, their books and blogs and even the events and instructional videos out there to help people understand BDSM, but to be able to remember what it was like when I was brand new at this… that’s a lesson that is easily forgotten and I am even more grateful to have the chance to re-learn. And I can only hope that I am able to help others learn as easily as I feel I’ve been taught.

–Autumn Lokerson

Updated Rules

I did blog today, but it’s not showing up in the main feed because it was more of an “edit this post” than a “post a new post” thing. I am copying it here for those who are subscribed to my blog via email and won’t receive a notification for each and every page edit I do. (Which I’m sure you wouldn’t want anyway, I edit grammar and spelling errors ALL THE TIME on here and that would be FAR too many emails!)

The original rules disappeared on me, but I’m sure I can dig around and find a copy and then post them to the _bottom_ of the “My Rules” page if someone wanted me to.

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Last updated on March 19, 2014

GENERAL

  1. I will always be honest and respectful to Master. Even when I think he’s in the wrong, I will be respectful in my tone, actions and mannerisms. I am, however, allowed to be bratty in my thoughts so long as they don’t turn into actions that would disrespect Master. (After all, it would be impossible for anyone to realistically attempt to control my way of thinking. My individuality is part of what attracted Master to me and he would never want to destroy that. Just to throw that out there….)
  2. When serving Master food or beverage (not in the presence of children or vanilla/family guests) I shall:
    • Kneel before Master, head down, eyes down, and await Master’s approval of my gift or offerings.
    • If around others I will stand and await Master’s approval that my service has pleased him. His “thank you” is my cue that I have pleased him. (This is a fun one because sometimes Master forgets to thank me and then I just stand there like a dork waiting for acknowledgement. Which means I stand there not sure of what to do with myself and trying not to make it super obvious that I’m waiting for approval.)
  3. I am always in submission to my Master whether He is present or not, ready to please Him at any time, in any place, under any circumstances. The opportunity to submit and to please is by far more important and satisfying than any other pursuit (within reason — The general rule of thumb though is that children and emergencies, of course, come first. Which is outlined in our contract.)
  4. I will wear the collar Master gave me with pride, for it signifies his ownership of me and my devotion to him. While I am not required to wear my collar at all times, I keep it, and the lock that goes with it on me — usually in my purse — so that I may put it on any time I am requested to do so. My permanent collar is the tattoo Master gifted me that I designed which is proudly displayed on my back, above my shoulder blades. This is a symbol of His permanence in my life and my dedication to him, even when I am not wearing a physical collar.
  5. I am allowed to make friends with whomever I choose, so long as that friendship is not toxic. If my friendship with someone changes my behaviors, mannerisms, other relationships for the worse, then Master may tell me to either limit my time with that person, or cut them out altogether.
  6. The relationship that I have with Master is my primary relationship. Due to the fact that He and I are in an “open relationship” there will be times where I am being Dominated by another person, but even in those times, Master’s word is law. He may step in and interrupt, end, or give advice on any scene, at any time. His word trumps everyone else’s.
  7. To receive pleasure I must earn it. I am granted to cum as I please in most circumstances, but I am to ask for permission anyway if Master is there with me.
  8. I trust Master. I trust his skill, his concern for my safety, my emotional, psychological, social, sexual and physical heath. If at any point I find that I do not trust Master in all of these areas, I am to bring my concerns to him. This relationship is built on honesty and trust and if one of those things fails, the entire relationship is at risk of failure.
  9. I must always give thanks to Master for all I am given, immediately after receiving what he has given me. This includes gifts, privileges and punishments and of course, gifts.
  10. I will confess any transgressions I may have made to Master and he will decide if such violations require punishment. I must accept whatever decision he makes and thank him for his choice.
  11. Crying and the shedding of tears is not a sign of weakness. My tears soften my will and bond me closer to Master. I am not to hide in shame when I cry. (Still a hard one for me, even after years of being dedicated to him. I just hate how I look and how vulnerable I am when I cry in front of someone, especially Master.)
  12. It is important for me to eat properly and make sure that I am drinking enough fluid, especially with the workout routines Master and I follow. I am permitted to choose how I wish to nourish my body and mind, so long as I keep track of it. If at any point I start complaining about my body image, Master will step in and order me as he sees fit (be that extra workouts, a stricter diet, and/or requests to get checked out by professionals.) I want (and Master wants) me to be healthy and sound mind and body, free as possible of any personal limitations, so that I may live a long, full life.
  13. I will always listen with interest in whatever my Master has to say during my training. I want to learn all that I can from Him so I can understand more about Him, about me, about the bdsm scene and community, and those involved in bdsm relationships – so I may be able to better understand the world I am apart of and be able to communicate it accurately to anyone who wishes to know more about it. When I find myself bored with whatever topic Master is discussing, I may speak up, but I understand that this means I might be given a longer lecture so that I can better understand what Master is talking about.
  14. I will periodically examine my whole life and look for how it has changed as a result of my relationship to my Master. I will speak to my Master about those areas where there have been improvements and those areas where I comfortable, insecure, or unsure of what direction I should take, how I should behave, or how I can behave in a manner that is different than how I have been behaving in the past. I do this anyway on my own, but Master has requested that I communicate my thoughts and feelings with him whenever I do this. This helps keep the communication open and gives me a chance to see myself and my life through different eyes.
  15. I will obey the spirit of the law not just the letter of the law. (For example, if Master says not to run with scissors, I will not attempt to skip with them either.) Another thing I still struggle with even years after being submissive to Master.
  16. My health is important to Master. I am to make regular doctor and dentist appointments for our family to ensure that we stay in the best health possible.
  17. I am never allowed to eat at my desk unless given explicit permission from Master. I am also not to keep snacks, candies or other foods at or around my desk. This is to help prevent me from unhealthy snacking habits. If I am hungry, I am to eat at the table. I swear to god I break this one more often than I’d like to admit. Master is _currently_ working on a better punishment for me for this one. At the moment it’s “20 push ups when caught, 10 if I admit to it before Master finds out.”

MONEY

  1. I will be given a weekly allowance that I am allowed to spend however I choose. This is the only money that is truly mine to spend however I please. If I am buying gifts for the family, for birthdays, holidays or other reasons, I am to ask Master if he wishes for me to use my allowance or if he will pay for the items requested. My weekly allowance is $100 and is based on behavior and tasks completed. I can spend this money as I see fit, within reason (no buying cigarettes, no buying excessive amounts of Starbucks — I used to not be allowed ANY Starbucks, Master has since changed that though — and no handing off the money to random homeless people begging for money. If I want to donate money, I am to donate to an actual charity where I can be sure the money goes to good use — which also means I must research that charity first.)
  2. I am not allowed to transfer funds from one account to another without Master’s express permission. Taking money out of one account and putting into my personal account without permission is one of the worst betrayals of trust that I could ever possibly commit against Master. It will ensure a severe punishment and the loss of my allowance until the debt is paid back, however long that takes as well as other forms of punishment Master feels are necessary.
  3. Before I go shopping I am to tell Master of my plans, what I intend to buy, how much it will cost and provide a shopping list for Master to go over. Master will add to or take away from this list as he sees fit. He will decide if the money requested is enough or too much to cover my expenses.
  4. If I dip into my allowance to cover the cost of anything bought while buying household items, Master will reimburse me at his discretion. If I don’t want to (or cannot) use my allowance to cover the cost of items needed, I am to put back whatever items I do not need so that the amount of  purchases is covered by my available budget, or what is left of that budget.
  5. When shopping with money that Master has given me for household items, gifts, clothing, or anything else I am to provide receipts whenever requested. I am not permitted to waste money on frilly things we do not need. Large purchases, or desired “frilly items” are to be run by Master before I purchase them.
  6. Allowance for the children will be paid by Master, through me. He gives me the money to pay the girls and I decide how much of that money they have earned. Extras go into a safe where I can pull more as they earn it.
  7. Master is in charge of the major bank accounts. I have access to our joint savings, our joint checking and the billing account. I am not to spend money out of any of these accounts without Master’s permission. Master is training me to learn to deal with financial situations so that I stop panicking about every little penny or swinging in the other direction and spending money without thinking about it first. While Master makes more than enough for us to live off of comfortable, it would not help anyone if I spend faster than he earns. (Which I used to do). My job, when it comes to finances, is to let him know what bills are due, the amount that is owed and then pay each bill when requested to do so. I am in charge of making sure the household has enough food and other consumables available each week. I am to let Master know if larger purchases or “one time” purchases (such as curtains) need to be made, how much I estimate them to cost and if permitted to purchase them, how much they actually cost. Master is not treating me like a child by keeping a tight fist around our finances, he’s simply trying to teach me to be financially responsible.

DAILY TASKS and ROUTINES

Master will give me a list of tasks that are to be completed by the end of each day,  though there are days where Master is not certain of what needs to be done or will simply ask “What’s on your task list for today”. I am to follow his list, make my own or a combination of both before he comes home from work (or before bed time for days that he works from home.)  These tasks will vary depending on what Master thinks needs to be done. We will discuss my Task List each day. I am to do my very best to finish all of these chores and manage my time wisely. If I choose to take a break from chores, this is fine, as long as they are still completed by the end of the day. The most important chore each day is for me to workout. I am not to skip a single workout without Master’s express permission. Aside from items on the daily task list I am to do the following every day, without question:

  1. Workout for at least 30 minutes a day. No exceptions unless Master expressly gives them. He will decide if and when I am too ill, too tired or too busy to complete my workouts.
  2. Make a healthy dinner for the family from scratch, or at least make sure that whatever meal is provided (like on Pizza Night) has healthy sides and is a balanced nutritional meal for everyone partaking of it. I must strive to not make too much or too little (a challenge with teenagers and roommates, but important anyway). Master will inform me if we are going out to eat instead or if we will have guests over for dinner so that I may plan accordingly.
  3. On school days wake at least 30 minutes earlier than the children so that I can ensure they are up on time, fed and ready for school without having to go through the morning rush we used to endure daily.
  4. I am to keep a schedule of everyone’s activities and update it often. It is my job to ensure that this house runs smoothly and that everyone gets to their appointments on time and safely.
  5. At least once a week (preferably on the weekends) I am to make a hot cooked meal for breakfast. This does not include such dishes as oatmeal or grits (unless I make grits with bacon, eggs, biscuits and pancakes).
  6. Bed time on weeknights is 2AM. On weekends bedtime is 4AM. Unless otherwise directed by Master. (Birthdays, special events, and times where we have planned to be out or awake all night are special circumstances and will be dealt with on a “at the time” basis.)
  7. Every night I must ask permission to sleep in the bed. If Master is out of town, or working late, I must call or message him and ask for permission to sleep in the bed. Even if Master is not at home, I am to be on my knees when asking permission to sleep in the bed. This is to help remind me that everything, even the place I sleep is given to me by Master. It also helps give me time to remember who is in charge — Side note: I find it interesting that I need this reminder, especially since this relationship was my idea, but I agree that I have a stubborn “bratty” side that likes to play at pretending I’m in charge… it doesn’t usually workout well for me. :P
  8. In addition to the rule above:
    Every morning I am to get on my knees, by Master’s side of the bed and thank him for allowing me to use the bed. If Master is not home, I am to call or text him my gratitude for letting me use the bed. If Master is sleeping in, sick or on a different sleep schedule that I am on, it is fine to thank him later during the day, just as long as I don’t forget. Punishment for forgetting is changed up and creative. (For example: if I’ve forgotten to thank him on a morning he and I wake at the same time, he may call me into his office and have me kneel for 10 minutes while balancing water on my head or something silly, just a reminder to focus on what needs to be done… it’s silly but it works, and if I spill that water…. well more creative punishments are given.)
  9. In the evening, when Master arrives home from work, I am to make my best effort to greet him by the door in the slave position (position 1 — on my knees, hands on my thighs or behind my back, head bent in submission). I am to wait for permission to stand up after being greeted by Master. (Usually Master doesn’t have me wait long, he knows that this is still a tough position to be in due to the fact that my knees like to remind me that I’m not 17 anymore. If Master is upset with me, he may ignore me for a bit before discussing whatever I’ve done to upset him — while I’m in the slave position — before allowing me to get up.
  10. Write at least 6 out of 7 days a week. I do not have to publish what I write in blog form, but I must make a point to write for at least half an hour each day. This helps keep my creativity fresh in my mind and allows me to jot down whatever is bugging me, whatever plot I randomly come up with and record “book/blog ideas” without forgetting about them easily. It is a creative outlet that is important to Master. My goal and his goal for me is to publish at least one book before I am 35 (I have four years as of today, March 19, 2014). My hope is that I complete this task much sooner.

CLEANING
Master prefers to have a neat and tidy house. It helps ease his mind, keep him (and I) focused and allows us to always be prepared for company without a mad dash to tidy up. 

  1. The kitchen counters are to be cleaned off, the dishwasher loaded and running (if needed) and the sinks empty, every night before my bed time. Punishment for not completing this task is that I have to stay up later to do these things and I am not permitted to use modern technology to help with my chores (no dishwasher, music while I work, etc.) There are, or course, nights where this does not happen and I simply am too tired, too sick or even not home to ensure this task is completed. Master will address each of these issues as they arise, and administer punishments further (if needed) as he sees fit. Just as if I am sick (or it’s my birthday/special event) he will tell me that it is not necessary and the task can wait til the following day.
  2. I am to ensure that Master always has clean, folded laundry put away properly in his drawers and a dry, clean towel in the bathroom for drying himself off with.
  3. Vacuuming is to be done on odd days of the month. Every odd day, including the 31st and then again on the 1st of the month.
  4. Steam cleaning high traffic carpeted areas should be done twice a week or more if needed.
  5. Sweeping and mopping of high traffic areas (the kitchen, the dining room, and the Florida room) is to be done daily.
  6. Mopping of the above listed areas should be done as needed, no less than three times a week.
  7. Sweeping and mopping of low traffic area can be done once a week, no less.
  8. Delegating children to do some chores is fine, but I am ultimately responsible for the housework and need to make sure that all chores are done well and in a timely manner.

SEX  — Between Master and I, and a little insight into sex with other partners:

  1. When Master instructs me to suck his cock, I will do so vigorously for as long as he requires me to do so, without complaint. He does not ask this of me often because he actually prefers hand jobs, but I am to comply whenever he does ask for a blow job instead. For “oral training” (learning to deep throat) I am permitting to be trained by other Doms if I so choose (I’ll have to blog this one better. It goes with the open relationship status. In short though — each time I submit to another male, the contract between that person and I is slightly different. I’ve said before that a BDSM relationship is as different as the people involved in it. Different men will like different things, and of course, I have limits as well.)
  2. Master’s cum must never go to waste. I will swallow all of it and then thank him for his gift.
  3. I am to keep my pussy shaved or waxed for Master. I am permitted to leave a landing strip, or have my hair waxed into the shape of a heart or whatever design tickles my fancy, but I must keep it trim and neat looking at all times. I do not have to shave and should not get waxed when on my monthly. (I’m more sensitive in that area and not in a pleasurable way when I’m menstruating — TMI, I know, sorry.)
  4. Sex with Master is not a choice. ((Okay, let me break here and give an overly detailed disclosure before the super new to BDSM freak out on this rule. This lifestyle IS a choice. I am not actually forced into anything here, however I have asked for and agreed to all of these rules. While BDSM may be a fantasy we play at and I am not actually a slave to a Master, part of the fantasy is to keep the fantasy in tact. If I ever, ever, feel that I can not participate in sex, I am to inform Master and give him my reasons. He will decide if we will have sex anyway, but he always takes my thoughts, feelings and emotions into consideration before making a decision.))That being said back to the rule —
    My body is his to do with as he pleases. My orgasms are under his control. I will be ready whenever and where ever Master wants to use my body. I will ask for permission to orgasm and respect Master’s decision.
  5. I am not permitted to masturbate without permission from Master, or permission from whatever Dom I am playing with (which Master grants to that person before hand anyway…)
  6. I may at any time offer my body to Master in hope that he will take pleasure in using it however he wishes.

SEX  — With Other Partners

  1. I am to provide proof that I have recently (within the last year) been tested and am cleared for sexual activity, free of STDs, etc. The same is required from anyone Master and I play with BEFORE any “playing” can be done!
  2. ALL play partners must be approved by Master. There are times where I am at a club and cannot get in touch with Master first. At these times I am to use my judgement before playing and must report back to Master whatever activities I engaged in.
  3. I am permitted to play with male or female, Dom/me or sub, but I am to keep my wits about me and not give in to hormones without thinking things through.
  4. Any and all questions asked about sexual activity (be it online, via video, chat or in person) will be answered with complete honesty. This goes for both Master and I. The example given is “If you don’t want to know if the other partner is better than you are, don’t ask.” At the same time, if asked for graphic detail (something that turns both Master and I on) give graphic detail. At times Master may require that I blog my experience so that my readers and fans can enjoy my story as well, though I am to change names and places to keep the identity of any and all partners safe and hidden. (Not everyone we play with is ready to “come out of the kinky closet” or in a job that doesn’t care what they do behind closed doors. Even if given permission to use someone’s name, I am to change it anyway. It is the honorable thing to do. — The exception is if I have explicit written permission to use names, places and details from whatever person played with.)
  5. As stated somewhere above (I can’t remember where, lol) Master always has veto power, always has a right to step in and advise, stop or participate in play if he is around during whatever scene I’m in with someone else. I, however, must ask permission and never interrupt a scene between Master and another girl (he’s straight, I’m bi) unless there is an emergency, or it is PART of that scene and has been planned out before hand.
  6. This section is still a work in progress (more so than the rest of my rules) because we are still very new at this whole “open relationship” thing. We have been “open” for nearly two years now, but only recently have I felt confident enough in my body image, self image and sexual desires to act on this.
  7. If at ANY TIME either Master or I no longer feel comfortable enough to be in an open relationship. we are to step back, close the relationship back up and discuss what is going on. This may take days, this may take years, however long it takes. The relationship between Master and I must, and I repeat must come first. I am dedicated, devoted, committed and submissive to HIM above all others. He is dedicated, devoted, committed and Dominant to me first. This means that if Person C asks either Master or I to do something we KNOW would make Master or I uncomfortable, then we simply do not comply with Person C.
  8. When looking for play partners we are looking for someone to compliment not compete with the relationship that Master and I have.
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