“How do I know if I have what it takes to be a submissive? I’m so dominant in other areas of my life, there’s just no way I can be fully submissive, even though I want to be.”
Submission is a gift. Your choice to obey what someone else says, knowing that you do not have to, knowing that nothing is forcing you to, is your choice to make. Submission is not something you are required to have, or something that must come naturally. It isn’t a one size fits all kind of deal. Though at the same time, there isn’t a “you must be this, this and this in order to proceed” manual either.
Submissives, like their dominant counterparts, come from all walks of life and all kinds of different backgrounds. Yes, there are some people out there who are naturally submissive, just as there are some who are naturally dominant. I’m fairly dominant in most areas of my life, especially meeting Master. I have a lot of submissive traits and I’ve talked about how I think a part of me has always been naturally submissive, but that doesn’t mean that every submissive is that way.
When I think of myself as naturally submissive, what I am trying to say is that I was desperately seeking someone more dominant than I am, who can handle my ups and downs, who I can trust to take the lead and make decisions that are best for me, instead of always giving in to what I think I want or what I demand from them.
I grew tired of being the only one in charge. I got tired of men who just gave in to whatever I asked for, suggested or demanded. I wanted someone who would challenge me, take charge and be confident enough to tell me when I was wrong.
My submission is not something that is demanded of me (not often anyway, and even when it is, I could always deny the person making the demand my cooperation.) It is something I choose to give. I do not life in a third world country where I am subservient to all men. I live in America. I have the freedom to walk away at any point if I choose to do so. I am not weak or in need of such strong guidance and direction that will keep me safe from the big bad world out there. I am a strong, independent, furiously passionate woman. I knock down proverbial walls and challenge others to stand up for what they believe in daily. I see myself as the woman who can be your best friend, will help you out of your funk, come over to help rake your yard or do the dishes or catch up on that pile of laundry. I will quickly speak out when someone is being abusive to the sales clerk because she can’t get the damned computer to think faster or because the line to too long.
I don’t sit idly by and await direction. In most vanilla settings, I am the last person you would ever suspect of being the submissive one, even in some BDSM settings I’ve been mistaken as a Domme. But all of that dominance, all of the exertion it takes to be a leader, to be the support system for so many others, is exhausting. Utterly and completely exhausting.
When it comes to my personal relationship with my husband, I find it comforting that he enjoys taking the lead. I find it easy (most days) to let him be the one “in charge”. I have my moments where I desperately need to be reminded that he is just as dominant (if not more so) as I am and will challenge me right back. I have times where I feel the need to correct him, push his limits, tease him and disagree with him just because I can (and because I need/want him to disagree and argue/fight back).
But at the end of the day, at the heart of my submission to Master, it is ultimately my gift to him. I was not forced into this relationship, nor was I bribed by anything or anyone. In fact, I’m the one that begged him to read the books about BDSM. I brought this idea to him. I am submissive by choice, not by force. I need to know that even after I have agreed to submit to Master, that he will not abuse that gift, take advantage of it or destroy it in a fit of anger or frustration. I need to know that he will accept it for what it is, a gift of the utmost importance to me. It is essentially who I am as a whole. You can not, should not, just randomly give that kind of thing away to just anyone.
To trust someone else enough that you allow them to tie you, bind you, gag you and do as they please to you is something that should only ever be given. It takes a lot to allow yourself to be helpless. You have to trust that they will respect your limits, your triggers and your safety. You have to trust that they are not drunk or high and are responsible with the gift that you are giving them. You have to know that if you cry out that safeword, the other person will stop everything and make sure you’re okay, then figure out what went wrong and how to avoid that in the future. There aren’t many people I can give that kind of trust to on a daily basis. I can only think of one person worth of my dedication to that level and even he and I have our problems at times. I can not imagine giving so much of who I am away to anyone else, let alone having it forced from me. Actually, if you try to force that kind of dedication out of me I will fight you to the death over it.
Do not expect your gift of submission to look exactly like anyone else’s. It is something you choose to give, one less thing that is demanded from you, but something that you willingly give. You might have bratty moments, you might not. You might naturally submit to nearly everyone, you might be the least submissive person in your group of friends. None of that matters when it comes to a BDSM relationship. The only things that matter is your consent, your sanity and your safety in submitting to this other person (or people).
This is why they call submission a gift, it is a choice that is made, not one that is taken from you. In answer to your question, it is not a matter of “can you be submissive” it is a matter of “do you choose to be submissive”. After answering that question you can decide how long you’re willing to submit, be it bedroom only or every other month or every day and whom you are willing to entrust with your gift. It is yours to give, not someone else’s to take.
Until Next Time,
–Autumn
