Tag Archives: Fifty Shades of Grey

“Interview” with a Newbie

Question

I was about to go to bed when I got a notification on Facebook that someone sent my fan page a message. I considered ignoring it and checking it in the morning, but curiosity got the better of me and I opened the message. It led to a pretty interesting conversation between a woman who isn’t in the lifestyle, but is definitely interested by it. She had some really great questions and I enjoyed answering them. She has asked that I keep her identity private, so I will refer to her as “Charlotte”. 
Below is our conversation. 

Charlotte: I don’t know whether you are still posting fan questions, but I would like to ask one…
I am just an observer of Y/your lifestyle I don’t practice it in real life, however I do have a lot of interest in it. It’s just that when I read blogs, posts, books there are a lot of mention about Doms, Masters & Daddies-which is actually what I want to ask about. Are they all similar to Y/you all, if not how do you distinguish among them? What do the people in the lifestyle think about each?

Autumn: What do people think about each book?
That REALLY depends on the books and the likes/dislikes of the person reading it. For example, I hated 50 Shades of Grey, as do most of my kink aware friends. But I also have some great friends who love BDSM and really enjoyed 50 Shades.

Charlotte: no as in what is the difference among a Dom/Master/Daddy.? Is there a technical difference among them?
Oh lol! I actually did not even know BDSM existed until I read 50 shades, so I loved it

Autumn: Oh, lol. Sorry I misunderstood, no, there’s not _really_ a difference. It’s like “honey”, “sweetheart”, and “dear”. They’re all nicknames we use at different times but (when said sweetly) usually mean the same thing.
The difference of names in books (Master vs. just “Dom”) can be used by the author to help the reader understand the different experience levels and some clubs do the same thing (only calling people who have been in the lifestyle for years by certain titles) but in the regular world, they’re still just nicknames used.
Don’t get me wrong, the title of Master, Dom, and Daddy (among many, many others) mean more than just “honey” or “dear” to those of us who live the lifestyle, but in comparison between them each, there’s really not that big of a difference. A Daddy Dom can be just as protective and sadistic as “My Sir” and “Master” can be just as kind hearted and yet wonderfully controlling as “My Liege”.

Just as, on the flip side, some idiot claiming to be a Master may actually be an asshole in disguise. I may call someone “sweetie” but my tone and my actions define what I really think of them. I’ve used it as an insult before (especially when I used to waitress). The names we give the ones we love mean something to us individually. They don’t necessarily mean one person is better at BDSM than the next though either. Never judge a book by its cover or a person by their title.

Charlotte: I have been only in 2 vanilla relationships, they did not turn out good. But I read 50 shades during the 1st break up
it just gave me I don’t know a kind of hope that there are loves of all kinds in this world
and since then I have been really into research about it. I am not much a sucker for pain truly but I like the feeling of possession, being cherished & protected

Autumn: You should read Cherise Sinclair or Kallypso Masters. Both are great, and Kallypso goes out of her way to make sure she explains as she writes. It’s so comforting to be reading her stuff and still go “oh I didn’t know that!” Both authors have helped me understand more about the BDSM world back when I was beginning and not sure how it worked. I didn’t have clubs to go to (and honestly I was too scared to go back then) and their books were not only FUN to read, but so full of information it was crazy.
There are lots of BDSM relationships that choose not to incorporate the S&M portions into their relationships Light spanking is totally different from hardcore S&M spankings.

Charlotte: yea! A little bit of spanking that’s something I can take that is a fantasy
this one sentence puts it all in view- The love and respect is what’s real, the bondage is an illusion.

Autumn: BDSM stands for:
Bondage
Dominance
Submission
Sadism
Masochism

Kinksters (anyone involved in something kinkier than vanilla sex) pick and choose what aspects of BDSM they like and what ones they don’t like. You have some people who are “Furries” who dress up as animals (cats and puppies are most popular) and have “owners”, you have some that enjoy the feel of leather or latex more and prefer that over anything furry, you have those who dress up for pony play, you have some that just call it a “more traditional marriage” where the guy does all the work and the woman takes care of the home… and that barely scratches the surface on how many different types of role playing there are.

I am quite fond of saying that a BDSM relationship is a different as the people involved in it. No two are exactly alike. What you like and enjoy might be the very thing someone else refuses to do and doesn’t understand. And vice versa.

That’s also why discussing everything you possibly can up front before playing with anyone, let alone starting a relationship with them, is so important. If you don’t like pain, you definitely don’t want to hook up with someone who prides themselves on being a sadist! Lol.
Yes, I often get flack for pointing out that this is a role we choose to play. People are quick to say “This isn’t a role, its REAL!”
It’s not _real_ though. This isn’t real slavery, we can walk away anytime we choose. There are laws set up to make sure of that. If I want to get out of a relationship with Master he does not have the right to refuse to let me leave. It is important to remember that. ESPECIALLY to those new to the lifestyle.

Charlotte: yes definitely! And the fact that BDSM can be shoved down your throat in from of abuse, is why people should talk it over. Well one thing I would just ask, no disrespect or anything
in fact it is kind of funny and embarrassing to ask
do um people go for contracts and stuff? I mean like what I read 1stly in 50 shades I was like mouth open- relationships with contracts

Autumn: Do keep in mind, the contract is part of the fun for us. It’s not legally binding. In a movie, the actress might not actually be in the military, but she can damn sure pull it off when she puts on the uniform. She needs the script to help her understand her role though and to know her lines.
The contract for us is the script.
The toys we choose to use, the titles we give each other are our uniforms.
In the “real world” we may be lawyers, teachers, CEO’s, or what have you, but when we choose to don our costume, you better believe we can play that role.

Charlotte: there has to be a lot of thought process into what you and your master do obviously, right?

Autumn: Yes, lots of research, lots of discussion, and lots of going over it even after we’ve done a scene.
Constant communication and research actually.
If I am uncomfortable, it is vital that I tell Master, even if it’s “I’m not in the mood because I feel fat today” or “My arm is going numb, I think the cuff is too tight” or “That was good, but I almost faked it to make you hurry up and finish”
Talking those things out helps us build the relationship more and helps him understand me better. He can read my facial expressions IF I’ve been honest with him in what I’m feeling as I make them.

Charlotte: Thanks, this has been helpful!

Autumn: You’re welcome. Feel free to ask me any other questions you have as they come up.

 

Fifty Shades of Pissed Off

 

 

I should really finish a series before giving my view on the entire thing. Unfortunately I jumped the gun a bit in my last post Fifty Shades of Annoyed. I stupidly assumed that every book in the series would be as well written and well thought out as the first book. I was sorely mistaken.
I wish that I could pop into the mind of Ms. James while she wrote books two and three of the series. I wish I could understand what (if any) BDSM history she personally has.
Let me first start by explaining the difference between a “sexual sadist” and a “sadist” in the BDSM sense of the word.
A sexual sadist is someone who seeks to hurt others whether they enjoy pain or not. In fact, most sexual sadists get off on the fact that the person they are hurting does NOT enjoy the pain at all. A sexual sadist enjoys watching others in pain, heart-wrenching, gut-clenching pain that etches across their faces and is visible in many other ways across their bodies. He does not care for their safety; he does not care for any rules set up before a scene. Usually a sexual sadist has some dark past that he is trying to control by repeating the scene over and over in the present. Mr. Grey admits this by telling Ana that he beats dark haired girls who remind him of his mother because she didn’t protect him from her pimp and because he wants to punish his mother for abandoning him at such a young age.
A sadist, on the other hand, is someone who controls their temper and works very hard not to lose control, especially while in a scene. They put the safety of their submissive first and make it very clear that the submissive has an out if she needs it (via safewords, signals, squeaky toys and various other techniques).  A sadist doesn’t get off on giving pain to anyone or pain in any situation. A sadist only gets off on giving pain to someone who clearly enjoys it and only in certain settings. For example, a sadist would not enjoy watching a masochist (someone who enjoys pain) have her bones broken, or go through heart wrenching emotional pain. He only gets off on the pain that he gives her, and only to a certain point that both parties have agreed upon beforehand.
Outwardly, a sexual sadist and a sadist may appear identical, until just before and immediately after the safeword is called. A sexual sadist will continue regardless of the safeword or will be completely and totally shocked when the safeword is called. He will have lost himself in his needs instead of in the needs of his submissive. A sadist on the other hand, will probably stop before the safeword is called because he pays that much attention to his submissive, that he is able to tell when she is about to cry out for the scene to end. If she does find the need to call out the safeword, the scene stops immediately and the sadist spends the next several minutes (sometimes hours) attending to the needs, desires and wants of the submissive. He goes over the scene verbally with her to ensure that both parties understand why there was a need for a safeword and why it was called. He does his very best to make sure that he never puts the submissive in that place again, after all his goal is her pleasure, not her pain.
Ms. James also seems to think that all submissives are weak, overly-dependent, child-like creatures who will break at the slightest bit of wind. She portrays this by having Mr. Grey confirm to Ana over and over again that she is much too strong to ever be his submissive. Ms. James goes so far as to have the only two submissives we meet in the book be extremely weak characters, one of whom attempts suicide and then is found stalking Mr. Grey and Ana. The brief conversations between Ana and Leila (the submissive in the books) show Leila to be a very fragile creature that is to be handled with extreme care because she is so emotionally unstable. The very fact that Mr. Grey would choose a character like Leila to be his submissive speaks volumes to me about what kind of a “dom” Mr. Grey was.
Another thing that royally pissed me off about the Mr. Grey character is his overwhelming jealousy. Someone in his position, with as much power and control as is needed to be the leader and CEO of so many different companies, would not be an easily jealous person. Jealousy is a sign of weakness and weak people don’t run companies for long, they wind up getting eaten alive by people much stronger than they are.
At several points throughout the book we are told that Mr. Grey is more of an adolescent than a man, at least emotionally. Even his therapist tells Ana this at one point. I am appalled that Ana continued to date and eventually marry Mr. Grey after learning so much about him. Yes, she certainly has unconditional love for him, but in my honest opinion, her love shouldn’t be unconditional. She is not his mother, she is not his sister, and she does not deserve to be walking on eggshells for the rest of her life worrying that Mr. Grey is going to lose his shit over one thing or another.
There are so many red flags raised by Mr. Grey’s character that I wound up resenting him and Ms. James’ portrayal of BDSM. She has one fucked up viewpoint on the whole scene if you ask me. Please understand, healthy BDSM relationships do not look anything like that of Mr. Grey and Miss Steele.

Please excuse any and all grammatical and spelling errors; this post was chicken pecked on my Droid.

Peace, love, happiness and bondage,
~ Autumn

Fifty Shades of Annoyed

****************************UPDATE******************************

UPON READING THE ENTIRE SERIES, MY OPINION OF E.L. JAMES AND HER BOOKS HAS CHANGED DRASTICALLY. I DO NOT RECOMMEND READING THIS SERIES IF YOU ARE NEW TO BDSM. THIS IS A BAD PORTRAYAL OF THOSE OF US IN THE LIFESTYLE. TO LEARN MORE READ MY FOLLOW UP BLOG HERE

****************************************************************
I’m not exactly sure why I’m taking all the negative reviews about these books so personally. Maybe it’s because I can relate in so many ways to Ana in the story. Maybe it’s because I fear that when my books get published, I will be seen as “just another trashy romance novelist” or “following in the footsteps of E.L. James”. Who can say for sure? What I do know is that I need to STOP focusing on HER reviews and keep writing anyway.

But before I do that, I’d like to toss in my two cents here. I love the books. I love the writing, I love the silly emails between the characters, I love the story and I love that James brings light to the BDSM world (though really, that is some seriously soft core BDSM). There are of course things I would have done and written differently if they were my books, but that’s because I’m a different person from E.L. James. (I am so tired of people complaining about how she should have done this or that differently – of course they would, they aren’t HER.)

BDSM is NOT a new concept (contrary to popular belief). People have been dominating and submitting for as long as we’ve been on this planet. Even the bible tells women to submit to their husbands. BDSM in its most basic form, dates back as far as humanity does, though it’s been called many different things.

The idea of tying someone up, holding them down, pulling their hair, slapping their ass or what have you is NOT new. What IS new is the publicity BDSM itself is getting.  100 years ago we, as a population, were just ask kinky, but we didn’t talk about it in public, we didn’t compare notes with our friends and we pretended lust didn’t exist at all.

I keep thinking that people need some serious lessons in literature. The word “amateur” for example actually means “one who engages in a pursuit, study, science, or sport as a pastime rather than as a profession”. Yes, Jame’s words are amateurish – but only in the sense that she wrote them for fun, not for money. The word “novel” means  “new and not resembling something formerly known or used”. That’s why we love NOVELS and not just short stories. They’re new!

And before I conclude I must address the idiots out there claiming that women can’t want both to be submissive and the rights allotted to them as citizens of the United States of America. Submission is a GIFT. It is not a requirement (any more, thank science). It is something I choose to give to my Master. Submission is completely different from being a total pushover. My strong willed, heady personality does not submit lightly and I certainly don’t submit to everyone with a dick. I am one of the most pushy, bullheaded, determined, headstrong women you will ever meet. I am loud in my opinions and fast to speak up for others. I am NO mouse. That is what makes my willingness to get on my knees for Master so special. It is something I just don’t do for everyone.

I am very proud to be an American woman living in this age, I take my rights seriously. Do not dare assume that because I submit to my husband, that I will submit to the government’s idea of what a woman should be, what medicines she should be allowed or what I am supposed to do with my body. For that matter, don’t assume that I will submit at all!

Fifty Shades of Grey is, in my opinion a great read. It is a work of fiction (obviously) and therefore it’s going to be a bit ridiculous at times. (For example, Mr. Grey making $100,000 an hour is hilariously out of reach for more than 99% of the world). It is not supposed to be a reflection on all things BDSM. It is a novel: new, exciting, and formerly unknown. The love story is unpredictable and whimsical. It is not your average “girl meets boy, they fall in love, fall apart, and then get married” book. (Well not technically anyway). I think that’s what most people like about it. This is a love story that expands across several novels and is not quickly, smoothly wrapped up in 800 pages or less.

If you don’t like the book, then fine, don’t like the book. But don’t you dare base your assumptions on all things relating to women, BDSM or books dedicated to a female audience off a single author’s perspectives. Do us all a favor and read at least a dozen more books before forming an opinion you’re willing to share with the rest of the world.

Fifty Shades of Annoyed,
–Autumn

 

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