I was about to go to bed when I got a notification on Facebook that someone sent my fan page a message. I considered ignoring it and checking it in the morning, but curiosity got the better of me and I opened the message. It led to a pretty interesting conversation between a woman who isn’t in the lifestyle, but is definitely interested by it. She had some really great questions and I enjoyed answering them. She has asked that I keep her identity private, so I will refer to her as “Charlotte”.
Below is our conversation.
Charlotte: I don’t know whether you are still posting fan questions, but I would like to ask one…
I am just an observer of Y/your lifestyle I don’t practice it in real life, however I do have a lot of interest in it. It’s just that when I read blogs, posts, books there are a lot of mention about Doms, Masters & Daddies-which is actually what I want to ask about. Are they all similar to Y/you all, if not how do you distinguish among them? What do the people in the lifestyle think about each?
Autumn: What do people think about each book?
That REALLY depends on the books and the likes/dislikes of the person reading it. For example, I hated 50 Shades of Grey, as do most of my kink aware friends. But I also have some great friends who love BDSM and really enjoyed 50 Shades.
Charlotte: no as in what is the difference among a Dom/Master/Daddy.? Is there a technical difference among them?
Oh lol! I actually did not even know BDSM existed until I read 50 shades, so I loved it
Autumn: Oh, lol. Sorry I misunderstood, no, there’s not _really_ a difference. It’s like “honey”, “sweetheart”, and “dear”. They’re all nicknames we use at different times but (when said sweetly) usually mean the same thing.
The difference of names in books (Master vs. just “Dom”) can be used by the author to help the reader understand the different experience levels and some clubs do the same thing (only calling people who have been in the lifestyle for years by certain titles) but in the regular world, they’re still just nicknames used.
Don’t get me wrong, the title of Master, Dom, and Daddy (among many, many others) mean more than just “honey” or “dear” to those of us who live the lifestyle, but in comparison between them each, there’s really not that big of a difference. A Daddy Dom can be just as protective and sadistic as “My Sir” and “Master” can be just as kind hearted and yet wonderfully controlling as “My Liege”.
Just as, on the flip side, some idiot claiming to be a Master may actually be an asshole in disguise. I may call someone “sweetie” but my tone and my actions define what I really think of them. I’ve used it as an insult before (especially when I used to waitress). The names we give the ones we love mean something to us individually. They don’t necessarily mean one person is better at BDSM than the next though either. Never judge a book by its cover or a person by their title.
Charlotte: I have been only in 2 vanilla relationships, they did not turn out good. But I read 50 shades during the 1st break up
it just gave me I don’t know a kind of hope that there are loves of all kinds in this world
and since then I have been really into research about it. I am not much a sucker for pain truly but I like the feeling of possession, being cherished & protected
Autumn: You should read Cherise Sinclair or Kallypso Masters. Both are great, and Kallypso goes out of her way to make sure she explains as she writes. It’s so comforting to be reading her stuff and still go “oh I didn’t know that!” Both authors have helped me understand more about the BDSM world back when I was beginning and not sure how it worked. I didn’t have clubs to go to (and honestly I was too scared to go back then) and their books were not only FUN to read, but so full of information it was crazy.
There are lots of BDSM relationships that choose not to incorporate the S&M portions into their relationships Light spanking is totally different from hardcore S&M spankings.
Charlotte: yea! A little bit of spanking that’s something I can take that is a fantasy
this one sentence puts it all in view- The love and respect is what’s real, the bondage is an illusion.
Autumn: BDSM stands for:
Kinksters (anyone involved in something kinkier than vanilla sex) pick and choose what aspects of BDSM they like and what ones they don’t like. You have some people who are “Furries” who dress up as animals (cats and puppies are most popular) and have “owners”, you have some that enjoy the feel of leather or latex more and prefer that over anything furry, you have those who dress up for pony play, you have some that just call it a “more traditional marriage” where the guy does all the work and the woman takes care of the home… and that barely scratches the surface on how many different types of role playing there are.
I am quite fond of saying that a BDSM relationship is a different as the people involved in it. No two are exactly alike. What you like and enjoy might be the very thing someone else refuses to do and doesn’t understand. And vice versa.
That’s also why discussing everything you possibly can up front before playing with anyone, let alone starting a relationship with them, is so important. If you don’t like pain, you definitely don’t want to hook up with someone who prides themselves on being a sadist! Lol.
Yes, I often get flack for pointing out that this is a role we choose to play. People are quick to say “This isn’t a role, its REAL!”
It’s not _real_ though. This isn’t real slavery, we can walk away anytime we choose. There are laws set up to make sure of that. If I want to get out of a relationship with Master he does not have the right to refuse to let me leave. It is important to remember that. ESPECIALLY to those new to the lifestyle.
Charlotte: yes definitely! And the fact that BDSM can be shoved down your throat in from of abuse, is why people should talk it over. Well one thing I would just ask, no disrespect or anything
in fact it is kind of funny and embarrassing to ask
do um people go for contracts and stuff? I mean like what I read 1stly in 50 shades I was like mouth open- relationships with contracts
Autumn: Do keep in mind, the contract is part of the fun for us. It’s not legally binding. In a movie, the actress might not actually be in the military, but she can damn sure pull it off when she puts on the uniform. She needs the script to help her understand her role though and to know her lines.
The contract for us is the script.
The toys we choose to use, the titles we give each other are our uniforms.
In the “real world” we may be lawyers, teachers, CEO’s, or what have you, but when we choose to don our costume, you better believe we can play that role.
Charlotte: there has to be a lot of thought process into what you and your master do obviously, right?
Autumn: Yes, lots of research, lots of discussion, and lots of going over it even after we’ve done a scene.
Constant communication and research actually.
If I am uncomfortable, it is vital that I tell Master, even if it’s “I’m not in the mood because I feel fat today” or “My arm is going numb, I think the cuff is too tight” or “That was good, but I almost faked it to make you hurry up and finish”
Talking those things out helps us build the relationship more and helps him understand me better. He can read my facial expressions IF I’ve been honest with him in what I’m feeling as I make them.
Charlotte: Thanks, this has been helpful!
Autumn: You’re welcome. Feel free to ask me any other questions you have as they come up.