What is it about this relationship that makes me crave the punishments when I’m bad, or the pain mingled with pleasure before, during and after sex? Why am I perfectly content when on my knees in front of another person? Is there something wrong with me? How messed up does a person have to be to want to be categorized as a “slave” and “owned” by someone else?
These questions pestered me a lot when Master and I first started experimenting with BDSM. They still pop up every now and then, though not as frequently. I have a few friends who still struggle with this though and it got me thinking it was high time I addressed these feelings in a blog post.
Let me start by saying there is nothing wrong with wanting to be dominated, or wanting to dominate for that matter. It’s only wrong when it is forced upon unwilling parties. If you want to be dominated, but aren’t getting it so you resort to name-calling, pushing buttons you have no business messing with and out-right pissing someone off on purpose (far beyond normal teasing) just to get a reaction out of the other person, then you are manipulating the situation. That’s wrong. We call that topping from the bottom when it’s applied to a BDSM relationship. We call it abuse when it’s tied to a vanilla relationship.
In the same respect, if you are dominating, controlling and ordering around someone who has not agreed to be in that kind of relationship, you’re in the wrong as well. Manipulation on someone who hasn’t agreed to it before hand should never be a part of the BDSM relationship, and it really shouldn’t be a part of a vanilla relationship.
So what then, makes us submissives enjoy crawling on our knees to our Dom and us masochists begging for pain from a sadist? It’s simple really, we desire security in our relationship. Being punished when we act up is a sure fire way to remind us of our roles. It reinforces the knowledge that the Dom/me is in charge and we are not.
So when you feel yourself ready to lash-out and say things you don’t really mean, or act in a way that requires a strong hand to remind you of your place, stop. Take a minute to think about why you want to act out. Dom/mes and sadists need reassurance of their roles too, they’re usually pretty receptive if you ask for a session, extra pain and/or a reminder of your roll.
After all, we came into these roles willingly. If you’re going to start manipulating the relationship, you don’t really care about the other person, you only care about yourself. Dom/mes are in their position because we trust them to have the power over us, and they trust us to be honest and loyal in our service to them.
If you find yourself asking the questions posted at the beginning of this post, don’t fret. Just understand that you are perfectly normal in your desire to know exactly where in the relationship you stand.