I was all prepared to write a vent blog post. I even had a title picked out “Don’t Interrupt Me When I’m Gaming…” a blog dedicated to how many ways Master has made me feel inadequate and worthless this past week. A blog based on sleep exhaustion, over sensitivity and something that I am to blame for (at least 50% of the blame is on my own shoulders.)
I even did a web search about how “alone and worthless” I’ve felt in the past few weeks as a stay at home wife and mother. I read random blogs, quotes, articles about how many women feel like they aren’t respected and loved and how their husbands make them feel worthless. Most of these stories centered around women with young children who were pregnant and willing to admit they were also hormonal.
I even dragged out my favorite “show me more love” song by Kenny Rogers (Buy me a rose). I sat in my bed, crying about how worthless I feel and listening to the song on repeat… and as I sat there feeling sorry for myself, I noticed the state of the bedroom. I noticed the dirty clothes on the floor. I remembered how I had to jump out of bed this morning, throw on a robe and go find Master a fresh, clean towel. I remembered that he asked me three days ago to make sure he had clean socks (and I remember tasking my daughter to do the laundry because I didn’t feel like doing anything extra for Master.)
I forced myself to think of the song from his point of view. The lyrics start out with “He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants…” and continues with a short list of all the things he’s bought her, provided for her, done for her. And yet, all the woman in the song wants is more time with him. A call from him while he’s at work, flowers for the hell of it and not because he’s wronged her somehow, and for him to open doors for her. It’s a good song, but the message I found myself hearing this time was not “Buy me a rose because I need to be reminded that you love me”. The message I heard today (again while trying to feel sorry for myself and wallow in my misery) was “Look at all the things Master does for you. He is trying to show you he loves you, even if it’s not in the way you want him to.”
I started looking for a parody version of the song, or the male equivalent for it where the man puts it back on the woman. (Maybe something like “Make me a sandwich” lol). But there wasn’t one (at least not one that I found in the short three minutes I dedicated to looking for a parody). I changed search topics and started looking for “Ways to show my husband I respect him”.
That’s when I came across this blog post titled Your Husband Doesn’t Have to Earn Your Respect. Talk about an eye opener. Two things Matt says in this post almost jumped off the page at me:
“You don’t marry someone to give them what they deserve. In marriage, you give them what you’ve promised them, even when they aren’t holding up their end of the bargain.” (Emphasis added)
“If a wife parcels out her respect on some sort of reward system basis, the husband has nothing to strive for. As her respect for him diminishes, so too does his motivation to behave respectably. If respect is wielded like a ransom against him, he will grow more isolated and distant.” (Emphasis again added by me)
Matt makes an excellent point. Here I am, wallowing in tears and (at this point) self-hate, pointing out my own flaws and trying to blame Master for them (not doing laundry, passing off simple chores I can do to children when I know the girls won’t do them properly or efficiently, waiting for Master to come in and ask what’s wrong so I can berate him about how crappy of a job he’s doing in showing me he loves me, etc. and yet I can’t ignore the small voice in my head saying “And what have you done lately to show him how much you respect him? How appreciative you are for the 100+ hours he puts into his job to make sure ends meet? When is the last time I went out of my way for him even when I thought he didn’t deserve it?
Oh don’t get me wrong, I’ve gone out of my way for him… but usually it’s because I want something in return, and I want it instantly. I will happily make Master a cup of espresso…. if he gives me a back massage first. I’ll offer to do something nice for him… if he does something nice for me first. I wasn’t giving him what I promised him simply because I made a promise. I was trading favors with him. “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine, but only if you scratch mine first.”
I bitch at him because I don’t feel appreciated. I make him feel like crap for stupid little things I think he did wrong, or said incorrectly. I am 100% guilty of twisting his words (even compliments) and making them seem like he was insulting me, hurting me, or trying to make me feel small. When I really get going, I can easily ignore all the things he does for me, for our children, for this house and I have hawk-like eyesight when it comes to anything that he does that might possibly be bad.
The beginning of Matt’s blog goes like this:
“I can’t tell you where I was or who was there or when it happened. I don’t want to add to this guy’s humiliation, so I am keeping this vague and generic. I can simply tell you that, some time ago, I found myself in the same vicinity as another married couple.
I certainly can’t read their minds, and I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes, all I know is that the husband couldn’t seem to utter a single phrase that wouldn’t provoke exaggerated eye-rolling from his wife.
She disagreed with everything he said.
She contradicted nearly every statement.
She even nagged him.
She brought up a “funny” story that made him out to be incompetent and foolish. He laughed, but he was embarrassed.
She was gutting him right in front of us. Emasculating him. Neutering him. Damaging him.
It was excruciating.
It was tragic.”
And here I am, doing exactly that to my husband.
I found myself crying again, but this time it wasn’t in self-pity, it was in self-disgust. I like to think that I am better than some people, that I treat my husband, my Master better than “those vanilla wives” would ever treat their men. I like to think I am above certain attitudes and issues… but here I am, just as guilty as the woman in Matt’s post.
And what makes it worse (in my opinion anyway) is that I am not only his wife, I am his submissive. I want to think of myself as an example to other submissives, and hopefully a good one. I like to believe that I am the person other women look to for lessons on how to be a better submissive, a better wife, a better person. Maybe I’m fooling myself, maybe not, but I do not like being reminded that I am just as flawed as everyone else. I don’t like pointing the finger inward and realizing that I am making mistakes. What I hate even more is having to admit when I am wrong. (I don’t mind being wrong, but having to admit that I am wrong… that’s painful.)
How will I handle this reminder? By trying to remember that I make mistakes too, and that’s okay… but it’s really only okay if I work to correct those mistakes. It’s not enough to admit that I am in the wrong here. (And yes, Master has done some things and said some things that hurt my feelings too, but there’s two of us in this relationship and I cannot, should not, allow him to take all of the blame here.) If I am serious about changing, if I want to be this person I think I am to my fans, I absolutely must make a point to change my behavior, my actions and my words. Even if (and especially when) I don’t think Master deserves my respect, I want to give it to him. Not because he earned it, but because I promised it to him.
When I made my marriage vows, when I wrote up our D/s contract and submitted to him, I made promises. I wrote out rules that I promised I would live by. I write blog posts, fan pages and tweets about what an awesome submissive I am and how much I do for Master… but these are things I choose to do for myself as much as for him. And if I really look hard in the mirror, I can see the facade I’ve created and started to buy into.
I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I have made fun of Master in front of his friends at his expense. I have gone out of my way to say things I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that are intended to leave emotional scars. If Master is isolating himself from me by playing video games, if I feel that he is growing distant and uninterested, I can’t help but wonder how much of that is partly my fault.
I have a lot more emotional growing to do than I thought I would at this age. (31, in case you’re wondering)
So what’s my plan now? To end this blog post, go to Master, get on my knees and apologize and then to do some laundry.
I’m sure I will fail him again, I am equally sure he will fail me at times too, but maybe, just maybe, I can learn from this mistake and work to make sure I keep up my end of the bargain more often, even when he drops the ball. It’s the honorable thing to do.