Tag Archives: Slave Contract

“Interview” with a Newbie

Question

I was about to go to bed when I got a notification on Facebook that someone sent my fan page a message. I considered ignoring it and checking it in the morning, but curiosity got the better of me and I opened the message. It led to a pretty interesting conversation between a woman who isn’t in the lifestyle, but is definitely interested by it. She had some really great questions and I enjoyed answering them. She has asked that I keep her identity private, so I will refer to her as “Charlotte”. 
Below is our conversation. 

Charlotte: I don’t know whether you are still posting fan questions, but I would like to ask one…
I am just an observer of Y/your lifestyle I don’t practice it in real life, however I do have a lot of interest in it. It’s just that when I read blogs, posts, books there are a lot of mention about Doms, Masters & Daddies-which is actually what I want to ask about. Are they all similar to Y/you all, if not how do you distinguish among them? What do the people in the lifestyle think about each?

Autumn: What do people think about each book?
That REALLY depends on the books and the likes/dislikes of the person reading it. For example, I hated 50 Shades of Grey, as do most of my kink aware friends. But I also have some great friends who love BDSM and really enjoyed 50 Shades.

Charlotte: no as in what is the difference among a Dom/Master/Daddy.? Is there a technical difference among them?
Oh lol! I actually did not even know BDSM existed until I read 50 shades, so I loved it

Autumn: Oh, lol. Sorry I misunderstood, no, there’s not _really_ a difference. It’s like “honey”, “sweetheart”, and “dear”. They’re all nicknames we use at different times but (when said sweetly) usually mean the same thing.
The difference of names in books (Master vs. just “Dom”) can be used by the author to help the reader understand the different experience levels and some clubs do the same thing (only calling people who have been in the lifestyle for years by certain titles) but in the regular world, they’re still just nicknames used.
Don’t get me wrong, the title of Master, Dom, and Daddy (among many, many others) mean more than just “honey” or “dear” to those of us who live the lifestyle, but in comparison between them each, there’s really not that big of a difference. A Daddy Dom can be just as protective and sadistic as “My Sir” and “Master” can be just as kind hearted and yet wonderfully controlling as “My Liege”.

Just as, on the flip side, some idiot claiming to be a Master may actually be an asshole in disguise. I may call someone “sweetie” but my tone and my actions define what I really think of them. I’ve used it as an insult before (especially when I used to waitress). The names we give the ones we love mean something to us individually. They don’t necessarily mean one person is better at BDSM than the next though either. Never judge a book by its cover or a person by their title.

Charlotte: I have been only in 2 vanilla relationships, they did not turn out good. But I read 50 shades during the 1st break up
it just gave me I don’t know a kind of hope that there are loves of all kinds in this world
and since then I have been really into research about it. I am not much a sucker for pain truly but I like the feeling of possession, being cherished & protected

Autumn: You should read Cherise Sinclair or Kallypso Masters. Both are great, and Kallypso goes out of her way to make sure she explains as she writes. It’s so comforting to be reading her stuff and still go “oh I didn’t know that!” Both authors have helped me understand more about the BDSM world back when I was beginning and not sure how it worked. I didn’t have clubs to go to (and honestly I was too scared to go back then) and their books were not only FUN to read, but so full of information it was crazy.
There are lots of BDSM relationships that choose not to incorporate the S&M portions into their relationships Light spanking is totally different from hardcore S&M spankings.

Charlotte: yea! A little bit of spanking that’s something I can take that is a fantasy
this one sentence puts it all in view- The love and respect is what’s real, the bondage is an illusion.

Autumn: BDSM stands for:
Bondage
Dominance
Submission
Sadism
Masochism

Kinksters (anyone involved in something kinkier than vanilla sex) pick and choose what aspects of BDSM they like and what ones they don’t like. You have some people who are “Furries” who dress up as animals (cats and puppies are most popular) and have “owners”, you have some that enjoy the feel of leather or latex more and prefer that over anything furry, you have those who dress up for pony play, you have some that just call it a “more traditional marriage” where the guy does all the work and the woman takes care of the home… and that barely scratches the surface on how many different types of role playing there are.

I am quite fond of saying that a BDSM relationship is a different as the people involved in it. No two are exactly alike. What you like and enjoy might be the very thing someone else refuses to do and doesn’t understand. And vice versa.

That’s also why discussing everything you possibly can up front before playing with anyone, let alone starting a relationship with them, is so important. If you don’t like pain, you definitely don’t want to hook up with someone who prides themselves on being a sadist! Lol.
Yes, I often get flack for pointing out that this is a role we choose to play. People are quick to say “This isn’t a role, its REAL!”
It’s not _real_ though. This isn’t real slavery, we can walk away anytime we choose. There are laws set up to make sure of that. If I want to get out of a relationship with Master he does not have the right to refuse to let me leave. It is important to remember that. ESPECIALLY to those new to the lifestyle.

Charlotte: yes definitely! And the fact that BDSM can be shoved down your throat in from of abuse, is why people should talk it over. Well one thing I would just ask, no disrespect or anything
in fact it is kind of funny and embarrassing to ask
do um people go for contracts and stuff? I mean like what I read 1stly in 50 shades I was like mouth open- relationships with contracts

Autumn: Do keep in mind, the contract is part of the fun for us. It’s not legally binding. In a movie, the actress might not actually be in the military, but she can damn sure pull it off when she puts on the uniform. She needs the script to help her understand her role though and to know her lines.
The contract for us is the script.
The toys we choose to use, the titles we give each other are our uniforms.
In the “real world” we may be lawyers, teachers, CEO’s, or what have you, but when we choose to don our costume, you better believe we can play that role.

Charlotte: there has to be a lot of thought process into what you and your master do obviously, right?

Autumn: Yes, lots of research, lots of discussion, and lots of going over it even after we’ve done a scene.
Constant communication and research actually.
If I am uncomfortable, it is vital that I tell Master, even if it’s “I’m not in the mood because I feel fat today” or “My arm is going numb, I think the cuff is too tight” or “That was good, but I almost faked it to make you hurry up and finish”
Talking those things out helps us build the relationship more and helps him understand me better. He can read my facial expressions IF I’ve been honest with him in what I’m feeling as I make them.

Charlotte: Thanks, this has been helpful!

Autumn: You’re welcome. Feel free to ask me any other questions you have as they come up.

 

Negotiations

contract_negotiation_photo

A bit of a rant post, but I’ve been wanting to get this off my chest for a while.

I’ve noticed that when talking or listening to some couples about their love life (specifically their BDSM love life) they seem to not have done much research on the topic before diving into this kind of relationship. In fact, I had three people message me similar concerns yesterday about the misunderstanding that seems to be associated with BDSM in general.

I get asked all the time if I was allowed to negotiate my rules and if I enjoy being a slave. While I go with the “All questions will be tolerated” rule, I can’t help but feel that these are silly questions. Of course I like being a submissive (I’ll get to the difference between sub and slave in a moment).

If I didn’t like it, why the hell would I be in this relationship to begin with? I am not some weak-minded, weak-willed woman who bends over backwards to do anything she’s told. I do not lay down and write “welcome” on my belly so that people (ANY PEOPLE, family included) can walk all over me.

I am a smart woman. For example: I have a nest egg account that I never touch (I get penalized for withdraws unless I can prove it’s for an emergency – like the car breaking down, hospital stays, death in the family, divorce etc). It’s my fall back, my safety net. Something I wish I didn’t need, but realistically is a smart move on my part. It is not in any way shape or form connected to my husband (unless I die, and even then it goes to the kids).

Negotiating the rules of a BDSM relationship is an ABSOLUTE MUST. It is not a choice, it is something you MUST do. Communication is so vital to this kind of relationship that blindly agreeing to anything is stupid. The difference between “submissive” and “slave” is that slaves have no rights (not in the BDSM world anyway). They aren’t allowed hard limits, safe words, the right to say they don’t want to do something or can’t do something, including but not limited to: sleeping with other men/women, being told to strip naked anywhere, anal, blood play, age play, asphyxiation, masochism, etc. Yes, there are SOME PEOPLE who are into that, who practice that lifestyle and love every moment of it. But even THEY will sit down and discuss the roles, the rules and the expectations of both parties before engaging in this kind of contract. (And again, as humans we all have basic rights, you CAN walk away from any relationship at any time, if you CAN NOT then you are not in a BDSM relationship, you are in an abusive one.)

I am more “submissive” than I am “slave” though Master and I like both terms. We spent an entire year going over our rules and editing them, adding to them, deleting stupid ones (we once had a rule that I had to ask permission to pee. That went out the door real fast, lol). If you compare dating to the “negotiation period” for BDSM couples, they look fairly similar.

When you’re dating someone, the goal is to get to know them better and find out if you’re compatible for a long-term relationship. You don’t just randomly jump into marriage with the first person you have a slight crush on. (Or at least, you really shouldn’t!!!!). There is a reason that people date for years before popping the question and then spend another 6+ months planning the wedding. They want to make sure this is going to work for the long term.

Anyone who just jumps into a BDSM relationship without spending the time discussing, negotiating and getting to know what is expected with the other person is…. well the only term that comes to mind again is “stupid”. I know that’s harsh, but really, common sense is required for this kind of life.

Safe, sane and consensual. That’s the very heart and soul of BDSM (there’s also RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink – but hello, the words RISK AWARE are right in the name. You can’t agree to what you aren’t aware of)

Your rules will evolve, should evolve and should be revisited at least once a year because you as a person and the two, three, four, however many, of you as a couple are evolving. If everything stays the same for years and years you’re in a rut. Possibly a comfortable one, but a rut just the same. Your relationship should grow and your rules should evolve right along with it. Some of you may find that you go from 100+ rules down to a basic 10, others might go from a basic 10 to 100+.

I can not stress enough how important research is. I will be putting up a glossary of terms later on today (in the banner on my blog) to help you all understand what I mean by certain phrases and key words, but in the meantime, RESEARCH THEM on your own, hell even AFTER I post them, do your own research. You know those instruction manuals no one reads? Doing the research for BDSM and what you are and aren’t willing to do is more important than the stupid “Do not use hair dryer in shower” warning tags. It’s more important than any of those instruction manuals. This is basic common sense, but there’s a lot to it that you may not be aware of.

If you aren’t willing to put the time into researching BDSM, then you shouldn’t be involved in a BDSM relationship. Period.

If you aren’t willing to spend time and a lot of it, discussing your limits and expectations and the limits and expectations of others involved in your relationship, then you are becoming a willing part of an abusive relationship.

Rant over.

Until Next Time,

–Autumn

Collars

A collar, in the BDSM sense of the word, is the equivalent to a wedding band in the vanilla world. It means that the person wearing the collar is committed to serving their owner (the person or people who gave the collar) for life or until they are uncollared (for whatever reason).

Putting a “permanent” collar on someone means that you are promising to provide for that person, you are promising to protect them and the gift of submission that they have given you. There are couples who only use a collar in the bedroom or to signify that “play time” has begun and then remove the collar at the end of each session. Those are fun too, but these are not considered “permanent” collars.

Like wedding ceremonies, many people have collaring ceremonies. Usually the slave (or sub) is not wearing anything, or is wearing very little and instead of standing next to her Master, she kneels beside him.

In a collaring ceremony, you sign the Master/slave contract. The final draft, not the first one you ever came up with. Please understand that there should ALWAYS be a negotiation period before the signing of any contract. (Usually at least 30 days). This way you have plenty of time to think through what is being asked of you and what is being promised by the other person(s) before you sign your name to the dotted line.

There are many, many, many different types of collars out there. You have everything from “just a necklace that doesn’t lock but means just as much as the next person’s collar” to tattoos, to leather collars that cover the entire neck and even just a string tied around someone’s neck.

Some people opt for several collars instead of just one they wear 24/7. Master and I decided that several collars fit our lifestyle better than just one collar that I never take off.

I have five collars right now that I wear at different times. My favorite (and most valuable collar) is the first one that Master ever bought me. It is the collar we plan on using for our collaring ceremony (the contract is already signed, but we didn’t have a ceremony and we both plan on doing this sometime in the future)

A year after Master and I started dating and dabbling in BDSM he decided it was high time he put a collar around my neck. The problem was that I was working at the time and could not wear anything that actually looked like a collar. We spent several months looking at different options and stores and ideas before settling on one from Tiffany & Co. It does not lock, but that wasn’t as important to us as the significance behind the idea.

Since then he has bought me several other collars (two for wearing when I’m too casual for a T&C collar around my neck, one for use in the bedroom when he wants to be rougher with me and one that he got at the pet store when I was being particularly bratty – it’s itchy and used as a constant reminder that I am owned and his and I best remember that). I do not wear a collar to sleep in (not always anyway, and when I do it’s usually one of the leather ones) I do not wear a collar in the shower or when swimming (leather and sterling silver are terrible things to wear while swimming!) and I always have a copy of the key on me when wearing a locked collar (for emergencies).

Wearing Master’s collar reminds me that I am owned, that every action I make reflects on him, and that I not only chose to participate in this lifestyle but that I enjoy it. It is as important to me as my wedding band, if not more so. It reminds me of my role in this relationship and the devotion that Master has for me (and I for him).

For those of you looking for the “perfect” collar, I would suggest you stop. Just find one that suits your needs right now. The perfect collar doesn’t exist and the more you search, the more frustrated you will become. As much as I love my Tiffany collar, I can’t wear it when working out and sleeping in it causes it to tarnish faster than usual (I use Weiman Silver Cream to clean it, in case anyone is wondering. It’s cheaper and more effective than the stuff they sell at jewelry counters. You can find it for under $4 on the cleaning products isle at Walmart. It’s main use is cleaning sterling silver dinnerware. I figure, if it’s tough enough for forks and knives and gentle enough for sterling silver, it’s perfect for my collar).

If you have any questions please feel free to ask, or if I’ve forgotten some important tip about collars here let me know in the comment section.

–Autumn

PS I’m currently working on a blog post about my rules and the slave contract I signed when I was collared. Hopefully this post will be posted by the end of this week. I also plan on setting a permanent link on my blog to my rules.

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