Tag Archives: Slave Contract

The Honorable Thing To Do

Wedding Contract

I was all prepared to write a vent blog post. I even had a title picked out “Don’t Interrupt Me When I’m Gaming…” a blog dedicated to how many ways Master has made me feel inadequate and worthless this past week. A blog based on sleep exhaustion, over sensitivity and something that I am to blame for (at least 50% of the blame is on my own shoulders.)

I even did a web search about how “alone and worthless” I’ve felt in the past few weeks as a stay at home wife and mother. I read random blogs, quotes, articles about how many women feel like they aren’t respected and loved and how their husbands make them feel worthless. Most of these stories centered around women with young children who were pregnant and willing to admit they were also hormonal.

I even dragged out my favorite “show me more love” song by Kenny Rogers (Buy me a rose). I sat in my bed, crying about how worthless I feel and listening to the song on repeat… and as I sat there feeling sorry for myself, I noticed the state of the bedroom. I noticed the dirty clothes on the floor. I remembered how I had to jump out of bed this morning, throw on a robe and go find Master a fresh, clean towel. I remembered that he asked me three days ago to make sure he had clean socks (and I remember tasking my daughter to do the laundry because I didn’t feel like doing anything extra for Master.)

I forced myself to think of the song from his point of view. The lyrics start out with “He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants…” and continues with a short list of all the things he’s bought her, provided for her, done for her. And yet, all the woman in the song wants is more time with him. A call from him while he’s at work, flowers for the hell of it and not because he’s wronged her somehow, and for him to open doors for her. It’s a good song, but the message I found myself hearing this time was not “Buy me a rose because I need to be reminded that you love me”. The message I heard today (again while trying to feel sorry for myself and wallow in my misery) was “Look at all the things Master does for you. He is trying to show you he loves you, even if it’s not in the way you want him to.”

I started looking for a parody version of the song, or the male equivalent for it where the man puts it back on the woman. (Maybe something like “Make me a sandwich” lol). But there wasn’t one (at least not one that I found in the short three minutes I dedicated to looking for a parody). I changed search topics and started looking for “Ways to show my husband I respect him”.

That’s when I came across this blog post titled Your Husband Doesn’t Have to Earn Your Respect. Talk about an eye opener. Two things Matt says in this post almost jumped off the page at me:

“You don’t marry someone to give them what they deserve. In marriage, you give them what you’ve promised them, even when they aren’t holding up their end of the bargain.” (Emphasis added)

“If a wife parcels out her respect on some sort of reward system basis, the husband has nothing to strive for. As her respect for him diminishes, so too does his motivation to behave respectably. If respect is wielded like a ransom against him, he will grow more isolated and distant.” (Emphasis again added by me)

Matt makes an excellent point. Here I am, wallowing in tears and (at this point) self-hate, pointing out my own flaws and trying to blame Master for them (not doing laundry, passing off simple chores I can do to children when I know the girls won’t do them properly or efficiently, waiting for Master to come in and ask what’s wrong so I can berate him about how crappy of a job he’s doing in showing me he loves me, etc. and yet I can’t ignore the small voice in my head saying “And what have you done lately to show him how much you respect him? How appreciative you are for the 100+ hours he puts into his job to make sure ends meet? When is the last time I went out of my way for him even when I thought he didn’t deserve it?

Oh don’t get me wrong, I’ve gone out of my way for him… but usually it’s because I want something in return, and I want it instantly. I will happily make Master a cup of espresso…. if he gives me a back massage first. I’ll offer to do something nice for him… if he does something nice for me first. I wasn’t giving him what I promised him simply because I made a promise. I was trading favors with him. “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine, but only if you scratch mine first.”

I bitch at him because I don’t feel appreciated. I make him feel like crap for stupid little things I think he did wrong, or said incorrectly. I am 100% guilty of twisting his words (even compliments) and making them seem like he was insulting me, hurting me, or trying to make me feel small. When I really get going, I can easily ignore all the things he does for me, for our children, for this house and I have hawk-like eyesight when it comes to anything that he does that might possibly be bad.

The beginning of Matt’s blog goes like this:

“I can’t tell you where I was or who was there or when it happened. I don’t want to add to this guy’s humiliation, so I am keeping this vague and generic. I can simply tell you that, some time ago, I found myself in the same vicinity as another married couple.

I certainly can’t read their minds, and I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes, all I know is that the husband couldn’t seem to utter a single phrase that wouldn’t provoke exaggerated eye-rolling from his wife.

She disagreed with everything he said.

She contradicted nearly every statement.

She even nagged him.

She brought up a “funny” story that made him out to be incompetent and foolish. He laughed, but he was embarrassed.

She was gutting him right in front of us. Emasculating him. Neutering him. Damaging him.
It was excruciating.

It was tragic.”

And here I am, doing exactly that to my husband.

I found myself crying again, but this time it wasn’t in self-pity, it was in self-disgust. I like to think that I am better than some people, that I treat my husband, my Master better than “those vanilla wives” would ever treat their men. I like to think I am above certain attitudes and issues… but here I am, just as guilty as the woman in Matt’s post.

And what makes it worse (in my opinion anyway) is that I am not only his wife, I am his submissive. I want to think of myself as an example to other submissives, and hopefully a good one. I like to believe that I am the person other women look to for lessons on how to be a better submissive, a better wife, a better person. Maybe I’m fooling myself, maybe not, but I do not like being reminded that I am just as flawed as everyone else. I don’t like pointing the finger inward and realizing that I am making mistakes. What I hate even more is having to admit when I am wrong. (I don’t mind being wrong, but having to admit that I am wrong… that’s painful.)

How will I handle this reminder? By trying to remember that I make mistakes too, and that’s okay… but it’s really only okay if I work to correct those mistakes. It’s not enough to admit that I am in the wrong here. (And yes, Master has done some things and said some things that hurt my feelings too, but there’s two of us in this relationship and I cannot, should not, allow him to take all of the blame here.) If I am serious about changing, if I want to be this person I think I am to my fans, I absolutely must make a point to change my behavior, my actions and my words. Even if (and especially when) I don’t think Master deserves my respect, I want to give it to him. Not because he earned it, but because I promised it to him.

When I made my marriage vows, when I wrote up our D/s contract and submitted to him, I made promises. I wrote out rules that I promised I would live by. I write blog posts, fan pages and tweets about what an awesome submissive I am and how much I do for Master… but these are things I choose to do for myself as much as for him. And if I really look hard in the mirror, I can see the facade I’ve created and started to buy into.

I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I have made fun of Master in front of his friends at his expense. I have gone out of my way to say things I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that are intended to leave emotional scars. If Master is isolating himself from me by playing video games, if I feel that he is growing distant and uninterested, I can’t help but wonder how much of that is partly my fault.

I have a lot more emotional growing to do than I thought I would at this age. (31, in case you’re wondering)

So what’s my plan now? To end this blog post, go to Master, get on my knees and apologize and then to do some laundry.

I’m sure I will fail him again, I am equally sure he will fail me at times too, but maybe, just maybe, I can learn from this mistake and work to make sure I keep up my end of the bargain more often, even when he drops the ball. It’s the honorable thing to do.

–Autumn

“Interview” with a Newbie

Question

I was about to go to bed when I got a notification on Facebook that someone sent my fan page a message. I considered ignoring it and checking it in the morning, but curiosity got the better of me and I opened the message. It led to a pretty interesting conversation between a woman who isn’t in the lifestyle, but is definitely interested by it. She had some really great questions and I enjoyed answering them. She has asked that I keep her identity private, so I will refer to her as “Charlotte”. 
Below is our conversation. 

Charlotte: I don’t know whether you are still posting fan questions, but I would like to ask one…
I am just an observer of Y/your lifestyle I don’t practice it in real life, however I do have a lot of interest in it. It’s just that when I read blogs, posts, books there are a lot of mention about Doms, Masters & Daddies-which is actually what I want to ask about. Are they all similar to Y/you all, if not how do you distinguish among them? What do the people in the lifestyle think about each?

Autumn: What do people think about each book?
That REALLY depends on the books and the likes/dislikes of the person reading it. For example, I hated 50 Shades of Grey, as do most of my kink aware friends. But I also have some great friends who love BDSM and really enjoyed 50 Shades.

Charlotte: no as in what is the difference among a Dom/Master/Daddy.? Is there a technical difference among them?
Oh lol! I actually did not even know BDSM existed until I read 50 shades, so I loved it

Autumn: Oh, lol. Sorry I misunderstood, no, there’s not _really_ a difference. It’s like “honey”, “sweetheart”, and “dear”. They’re all nicknames we use at different times but (when said sweetly) usually mean the same thing.
The difference of names in books (Master vs. just “Dom”) can be used by the author to help the reader understand the different experience levels and some clubs do the same thing (only calling people who have been in the lifestyle for years by certain titles) but in the regular world, they’re still just nicknames used.
Don’t get me wrong, the title of Master, Dom, and Daddy (among many, many others) mean more than just “honey” or “dear” to those of us who live the lifestyle, but in comparison between them each, there’s really not that big of a difference. A Daddy Dom can be just as protective and sadistic as “My Sir” and “Master” can be just as kind hearted and yet wonderfully controlling as “My Liege”.

Just as, on the flip side, some idiot claiming to be a Master may actually be an asshole in disguise. I may call someone “sweetie” but my tone and my actions define what I really think of them. I’ve used it as an insult before (especially when I used to waitress). The names we give the ones we love mean something to us individually. They don’t necessarily mean one person is better at BDSM than the next though either. Never judge a book by its cover or a person by their title.

Charlotte: I have been only in 2 vanilla relationships, they did not turn out good. But I read 50 shades during the 1st break up
it just gave me I don’t know a kind of hope that there are loves of all kinds in this world
and since then I have been really into research about it. I am not much a sucker for pain truly but I like the feeling of possession, being cherished & protected

Autumn: You should read Cherise Sinclair or Kallypso Masters. Both are great, and Kallypso goes out of her way to make sure she explains as she writes. It’s so comforting to be reading her stuff and still go “oh I didn’t know that!” Both authors have helped me understand more about the BDSM world back when I was beginning and not sure how it worked. I didn’t have clubs to go to (and honestly I was too scared to go back then) and their books were not only FUN to read, but so full of information it was crazy.
There are lots of BDSM relationships that choose not to incorporate the S&M portions into their relationships Light spanking is totally different from hardcore S&M spankings.

Charlotte: yea! A little bit of spanking that’s something I can take that is a fantasy
this one sentence puts it all in view- The love and respect is what’s real, the bondage is an illusion.

Autumn: BDSM stands for:
Bondage
Dominance
Submission
Sadism
Masochism

Kinksters (anyone involved in something kinkier than vanilla sex) pick and choose what aspects of BDSM they like and what ones they don’t like. You have some people who are “Furries” who dress up as animals (cats and puppies are most popular) and have “owners”, you have some that enjoy the feel of leather or latex more and prefer that over anything furry, you have those who dress up for pony play, you have some that just call it a “more traditional marriage” where the guy does all the work and the woman takes care of the home… and that barely scratches the surface on how many different types of role playing there are.

I am quite fond of saying that a BDSM relationship is a different as the people involved in it. No two are exactly alike. What you like and enjoy might be the very thing someone else refuses to do and doesn’t understand. And vice versa.

That’s also why discussing everything you possibly can up front before playing with anyone, let alone starting a relationship with them, is so important. If you don’t like pain, you definitely don’t want to hook up with someone who prides themselves on being a sadist! Lol.
Yes, I often get flack for pointing out that this is a role we choose to play. People are quick to say “This isn’t a role, its REAL!”
It’s not _real_ though. This isn’t real slavery, we can walk away anytime we choose. There are laws set up to make sure of that. If I want to get out of a relationship with Master he does not have the right to refuse to let me leave. It is important to remember that. ESPECIALLY to those new to the lifestyle.

Charlotte: yes definitely! And the fact that BDSM can be shoved down your throat in from of abuse, is why people should talk it over. Well one thing I would just ask, no disrespect or anything
in fact it is kind of funny and embarrassing to ask
do um people go for contracts and stuff? I mean like what I read 1stly in 50 shades I was like mouth open- relationships with contracts

Autumn: Do keep in mind, the contract is part of the fun for us. It’s not legally binding. In a movie, the actress might not actually be in the military, but she can damn sure pull it off when she puts on the uniform. She needs the script to help her understand her role though and to know her lines.
The contract for us is the script.
The toys we choose to use, the titles we give each other are our uniforms.
In the “real world” we may be lawyers, teachers, CEO’s, or what have you, but when we choose to don our costume, you better believe we can play that role.

Charlotte: there has to be a lot of thought process into what you and your master do obviously, right?

Autumn: Yes, lots of research, lots of discussion, and lots of going over it even after we’ve done a scene.
Constant communication and research actually.
If I am uncomfortable, it is vital that I tell Master, even if it’s “I’m not in the mood because I feel fat today” or “My arm is going numb, I think the cuff is too tight” or “That was good, but I almost faked it to make you hurry up and finish”
Talking those things out helps us build the relationship more and helps him understand me better. He can read my facial expressions IF I’ve been honest with him in what I’m feeling as I make them.

Charlotte: Thanks, this has been helpful!

Autumn: You’re welcome. Feel free to ask me any other questions you have as they come up.

 

Negotiations

contract_negotiation_photo

A bit of a rant post, but I’ve been wanting to get this off my chest for a while.

I’ve noticed that when talking or listening to some couples about their love life (specifically their BDSM love life) they seem to not have done much research on the topic before diving into this kind of relationship. In fact, I had three people message me similar concerns yesterday about the misunderstanding that seems to be associated with BDSM in general.

I get asked all the time if I was allowed to negotiate my rules and if I enjoy being a slave. While I go with the “All questions will be tolerated” rule, I can’t help but feel that these are silly questions. Of course I like being a submissive (I’ll get to the difference between sub and slave in a moment).

If I didn’t like it, why the hell would I be in this relationship to begin with? I am not some weak-minded, weak-willed woman who bends over backwards to do anything she’s told. I do not lay down and write “welcome” on my belly so that people (ANY PEOPLE, family included) can walk all over me.

I am a smart woman. For example: I have a nest egg account that I never touch (I get penalized for withdraws unless I can prove it’s for an emergency – like the car breaking down, hospital stays, death in the family, divorce etc). It’s my fall back, my safety net. Something I wish I didn’t need, but realistically is a smart move on my part. It is not in any way shape or form connected to my husband (unless I die, and even then it goes to the kids).

Negotiating the rules of a BDSM relationship is an ABSOLUTE MUST. It is not a choice, it is something you MUST do. Communication is so vital to this kind of relationship that blindly agreeing to anything is stupid. The difference between “submissive” and “slave” is that slaves have no rights (not in the BDSM world anyway). They aren’t allowed hard limits, safe words, the right to say they don’t want to do something or can’t do something, including but not limited to: sleeping with other men/women, being told to strip naked anywhere, anal, blood play, age play, asphyxiation, masochism, etc. Yes, there are SOME PEOPLE who are into that, who practice that lifestyle and love every moment of it. But even THEY will sit down and discuss the roles, the rules and the expectations of both parties before engaging in this kind of contract. (And again, as humans we all have basic rights, you CAN walk away from any relationship at any time, if you CAN NOT then you are not in a BDSM relationship, you are in an abusive one.)

I am more “submissive” than I am “slave” though Master and I like both terms. We spent an entire year going over our rules and editing them, adding to them, deleting stupid ones (we once had a rule that I had to ask permission to pee. That went out the door real fast, lol). If you compare dating to the “negotiation period” for BDSM couples, they look fairly similar.

When you’re dating someone, the goal is to get to know them better and find out if you’re compatible for a long-term relationship. You don’t just randomly jump into marriage with the first person you have a slight crush on. (Or at least, you really shouldn’t!!!!). There is a reason that people date for years before popping the question and then spend another 6+ months planning the wedding. They want to make sure this is going to work for the long term.

Anyone who just jumps into a BDSM relationship without spending the time discussing, negotiating and getting to know what is expected with the other person is…. well the only term that comes to mind again is “stupid”. I know that’s harsh, but really, common sense is required for this kind of life.

Safe, sane and consensual. That’s the very heart and soul of BDSM (there’s also RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink – but hello, the words RISK AWARE are right in the name. You can’t agree to what you aren’t aware of)

Your rules will evolve, should evolve and should be revisited at least once a year because you as a person and the two, three, four, however many, of you as a couple are evolving. If everything stays the same for years and years you’re in a rut. Possibly a comfortable one, but a rut just the same. Your relationship should grow and your rules should evolve right along with it. Some of you may find that you go from 100+ rules down to a basic 10, others might go from a basic 10 to 100+.

I can not stress enough how important research is. I will be putting up a glossary of terms later on today (in the banner on my blog) to help you all understand what I mean by certain phrases and key words, but in the meantime, RESEARCH THEM on your own, hell even AFTER I post them, do your own research. You know those instruction manuals no one reads? Doing the research for BDSM and what you are and aren’t willing to do is more important than the stupid “Do not use hair dryer in shower” warning tags. It’s more important than any of those instruction manuals. This is basic common sense, but there’s a lot to it that you may not be aware of.

If you aren’t willing to put the time into researching BDSM, then you shouldn’t be involved in a BDSM relationship. Period.

If you aren’t willing to spend time and a lot of it, discussing your limits and expectations and the limits and expectations of others involved in your relationship, then you are becoming a willing part of an abusive relationship.

Rant over.

Until Next Time,

–Autumn

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